HOCKEYBEAR's Guide to Campus Destruction VI: Iowa State University

HOCKEYBEAR is not a bear to argue with success. When I created an army of radioactive ants to destroy the University of Phoenix, not only did they succeed in wiping out all of its locations in HOCKEYBEAR's plane of existence, they breached the very fabric between fiction and reality and caused the closure of 115 Phoenix branches in the universe you small humans inhabit.

So when HOCKEYBEAR fan MGoShoe requested that I follow up my demolition of the University of Phoenix with a rampage of DeVry Unversity, I knew what I had to do. I fueled up my F-16 and set course for the radioactive ant homeworld, where my army of ants had retired after completing their epic destruction. Having built themselves a quiet and tranquil anthill, they were reluctant to return to Earth for this extra mission but agreed on the condition that HOCKEYBEAR provide them with 100 megatons of Earth sugar.

Due to my affiliation with the University of Alaska, HOCKEYBEAR is required to buy American whenever possible. On my way back to Earth, I stopped by the Galactibank to convert enough galactic credits to Earth currency to purchase the sugar. Or so I thought. When I landed in the U.S. to buy my sugar pile, I was ENRAGED to discover that the price of sugar in the U.S. is more than twice its price in Canada!

He eventually tried to nick some sugar from HOCKEYBEAR.
His tea-drinking days are now over.

What could be the cause of this discrepancy? According to the Cato Institute, U.S. sugar prices are artificially inflated to support the corn industry! And what state gains the most from a propped-up corn industry? IOWA. HOCKEYBEAR has always been suspicious of Iowa's mysterious lack of hockey:

For the purposes of this map, HOCKEYBEAR defines the presence
of hockey to mean either a D-I or a D-III team.

And now I learn they game the political process so that their corn industry is protected and HOCKEYBEAR has to pay way too much for sugar! I am ready to RAMPAGE, but which school should I rampage?

You escape this time, Hawkeyes, because your nickname kind of sounds like "hockey." Also because HOCKEYBEAR wants to make references to The Home Economics Story.

Michigan Backcourt Theater Episode 1119: Timeout Chasers

ZACK NOVAK, STU DOUGLASS, TIM HARDAWAY JR., and TREY BURKE leave the Crisler Center after an intense practice.

ZACK NOVAK

Oh man, that was brutal! I could sleep for days!

STU DOUGLASS

Yeah, I haven't worked so hard since that time I managed to dunk against Tennessee. I'm exhausted.

TIM HARDAWAY JR.

I'd love to get some shuteye too, but Trey and I promised the girls we'd deliver the leis we picked up for them at the Maui Invitational.

JENNY RYAN enters.

JENNY RYAN

Hey guys, finally got some flowers for your ladies?

TREY BURKE

[carrying a large box] Yeah, we got 'em right here.

TREY notices a suspicious looking red and green van parked nearby.

TREY BURKE

Hey, there's usually nobody parked here this late except for Coach B and the staff. I hope nobody's in troub...

ZACK, STU, TIM, TREY, and JENNY are simultaneously hit in the backs of their heads with blunt objects, knocking them unconscious.

CUT TO:

INT. SATELLITE OF YOST

Our heroes awaken.

STU

What the heck is this place? Where are we? [notices a video camera] Hey cool, that is one awesome camera!

JENNY

This place stinks. It smells like Van Bergen dropped a deuce in here. I'm going to figure out how to get the life support systems running.

ZACK

Hey, Tim and Trey, we should go exploring. That's weird...a bunch of numbered doors...and behind them...a theater? What the hell?

CUT TO:

THEME SONG

In the not too distant future, Saturday A.D.

There was a guy named Zack, not too different from you or me

He worked at Schembechler Institute, just another face in a maize jumpsuit

He distributed mail all throughout the place, but his bosses kinda liked him so they made him set the pace

(Slow it down!)

We'll send him tall defenders, the best we can find

He'll have to thread it through them all as we monitor his mind

Now keep in mind he can't control when the games begin or end

He'll try to keep his sanity with the help of his backcourt friends...

BACKCOURT ROLL CALL!

Douglass! (Polarize!)

Jenny! (Hustle!)

Tim Jr.! (It gets better!)

Treeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyy! (I'm awesome!)

If you're wondering how he eats and breathes and other science facts

He's got a meal card and it's set on earth so you can really just relax

For Michigan Backcourt Theater 3000.

FADE IN TO:

INT. SATELLITE OF YOST

STU has ensconced himself behind the camera and is devoting his time to recording the proceedings for eventual use in a court of law.

JENNY

Zack, Trey, Tim! There's a bunch of weird buttons here. And there's a red one that's flashing.

TIM JR.

Since things can't get much worse, we might as well push it.

ZACK pushes the red button.

Michigan Defense Theater 3000 Experiment 1114: Sugar Mutiny

THEME SONG

In the not too distant future, Saturday A.D.

There was a guy named Jordan, not too different from you or me

He worked at Schembechler Institute, just another face in a maize jumpsuit

He did a good job cleaning up the place, but his bosses kinda liked him so they made him play in space

(Curse you GERG!)

We'll send him speedy runners, the best we can find

He'll have to stop, tackle them all as we monitor his mind

Now keep in mind he can't control when the games begin or end

He'll try to keep his sanity with the help of his D-Line friends...

D-LINE ROLL CALL!

Martin! (I'm Captain!)

Heininger! (Left side!)

Van Bergen! (Where've you been?)

Rooooooooooooooooh! (I'm sophomore!)

If you're wondering how he eats and breathes and other science facts

He's got a meal card and it's set on earth so you can really just relax

For Michigan Defense Theater 3000.

FADE IN TO:

INT. SATELLITE OF YOST

JORDAN

Hi, everyone, and welcome to the Satellite of Yost. Since Coach Hoke and Coach Mattison have given us a little time off after we beat Ohio, I've dusted off my old set of encyclopedias so we can study up on our next opponent, Virginia Tech.

VAN BERGEN

Jordan, this encyclopedia is completely worthless for my biography of Gary Danielson.

ROH

Yeah, Jordan, it's really old. It lists Woody Hayes as a "fairly stable young football coach at Denison University."

VAN BERGEN

It mentions the forward pass as a charming theory.

ROH

It calls Lafayette College a perennial power.

VAN BERGEN

Its list of college football's winningest programs is: "McGill: 1."

ROH

It says that using your hands to hold the ball is illegal.

VAN BERGEN

It's got a picture of the Big House.

JORDAN

So?

ROH & VAN BERGEN

Capacity 72,000?

JORDAN

So what you high-minded encyclopedia snobs are saying is that you want a new set? I'll get you a new set. You know, they got me through college.

ROH

You're still in college.

COMMERCIAL BREAK. INSERT ROTEL JOKE HERE.

Michigan Defense Theater Experiment 1112: Brady Hoke Conquers the Buckeyes

THEME SONG

In the not too distant future, Saturday A.D.

There was a guy named Jordan, not too different from you or me

He worked at Schembechler Institute, just another face in a maize jumpsuit

He did a good job cleaning up the place, but his bosses kinda liked him so they made him play in space

(Curse you GERG!)

We'll send him speedy runners, the best we can find

He'll have to stop, tackle them all as we monitor his mind

Now keep in mind he can't control when the games begin or end

He'll try to keep his sanity with the help of his D-Line friends...

D-LINE ROLL CALL!

Martin! (I'm Captain!)

Heininger! (Left side!)

Van Bergen! (Where've you been?)

Rooooooooooooooooh! (I'm sophomore!)

If you're wondering how he eats and breathes and other science facts

He's got a meal card and it's set on earth so you can really just relax

For Michigan Defense Theater 3000.

FADE IN TO:

INT. SATELLITE OF YOST

JORDAN

Hi, everyone. It's just a regular Thursday in most of Windsor, but it's Thanksgiving here at the Satellite of Yost. I'm Jordan Kovacs and the D-line and I are counting the things we are thankful for.

ROH

I'm thankful for Coach Hoke and Coach Mattison for finally teaching me how to play defense. And I'm thankful for Coach Borges for improving the offense to the point where we don't have to carry them anymore.

JORDAN

Roh, I'm not looking for sarcasm right now! We should be genuinely grateful for Coach Borges and the offense, who help us out when we're not at our best. Although, admittedly, it's been a while since we haven't been at our best.

VAN BERGEN

I'm thankful for Jim Delany and Don Beebe, who have worked together to make the Big Ten bigger and better than ever.

HEININGER

I'm thankful for the 100,000+ fans that come out and support us every home game. I'd name every one, but we do need to play a game on Saturday.

JORDAN

Indeed you should thank them, Heininger. And I'm even thankful for the Mads, who have furnished the Satellite of Yost with a fabulous stuffed animal collection. Hey, they're calling right now.

JORDAN pushes the red button.

Michigan Defense Theater Experiment 1109: "Girl In Gold Pants"

THEME SONG

In the not too distant future, Saturday A.D.

There was a guy named Jordan, not too different from you or me

He worked at Schembechler Institute, just another face in a maize jumpsuit

He did a good job cleaning up the place, but his bosses kinda liked him so they made him play in space

(Curse you GERG!)

We'll send him speedy runners, the best we can find

He'll have to stop, tackle them all as we monitor his mind

Now keep in mind he can't control when the games begin or end

He'll try to keep his sanity with the help of his D-Line friends...

D-LINE ROLL CALL!

Martin! (I'm Captain!)

Heininger! (Left side!)

Van Bergen! (Where've you been?)

Rooooooooooooooooh! (I'm sophomore!)

If you're wondering how he eats and breathes and other science facts

He's got a meal card and it's set on earth so you can really just relax

For Michigan Defense Theater 3000.

FADE IN TO:

INT. SATELLITE OF YOST

JORDAN

Hi, everyone and welcome to the Satellite of Yost. I'm Jordan Kovacs and since I'm out with a bad knee, I'm helping the D-line make motivational bracelets to keep focus on the field. Mine says "WWERD" for "What would Ed Reed do?" Coach Mattison says I could be like him, if I could run a lot faster. What does yours say, Van Bergen?

VAN BERGEN

Mine says "WWTGD" for "What would Tom Gholston do?" I then try and do the opposite.

JORDAN

Well, that's refreshingly bitter. Roh, what's with the bracelet with all the W's?

ROH

It stands for "What would Wade Wilson, Wes Welker, Warren Wells, Wesley Walls, Will Witherspoon, and Whizzer White do?"

HEININGER

I don't think Coach Hoke would like that bracelet. A lot of those guys didn't play for Michigan.

MAGIC VOICE

[sounds a lot like Evan Caminker] I'd like to take a moment to remind the reader that this script is a parody not based on actual events, and the people appearing in this script are public figures.

JORDAN

Thanks, magic voice. Uh-oh, the Mads are calling.

JORDAN pushes the red button.

Michigan Defense Theater Experiment 1106: "Zook People/Persa A-Go-Go"

THEME SONG

In the not too distant future, Saturday A.D.

There was a guy named Jordan, not too different from you or me

He worked at Schembechler Institute, just another face in a maize jumpsuit

He did a good job cleaning up the place, but his bosses kinda liked him so they made him play in space

(Curse you GERG!)

We'll send him speedy runners, the best we can find

He'll have to stop, tackle them all as we monitor his mind

Now keep in mind he can't control when the games begin or end

He'll try to keep his sanity with the help of his D-Line friends...

D-LINE ROLL CALL!

Martin! (I'm Captain!)

Heininger! (Left side!)

Van Bergen! (Where've you been?)

Rooooooooooooooooh! (I'm sophomore!)

If you're wondering how he eats and breathes and other science facts

He's got a meal card and it's set on earth so you can really just relax

For Michigan Defense Theater 3000.

INT. SATELLITE OF YOST

JORDAN

Hi, everyone and welcome to the Satellite of Yost. I'm Jordan Kovacs and I'm usually accompanied by my pals Roh and Van Bergen, but I don't see them around right now. Martin, can you get me Rocket Number 9?

Rocket Number 9 shows MARTIN, HEININGER, VAN BERGEN, and ROH holding off a disorganized horde of invaders of Minnesota. The horde retreats, and VAN BERGEN and ROH enter the Satellite of Yost.

Seal Block Week 4: We're Not in Kansas Anymore

The hardest part of this week's ranking of the Big XII seals was keeping track of which schools are in the Big XII. My most shocking discovery was that this blog has never used an "mst3k" label before.

10. Iowa State
What it's trying to say: The dog ate our original seal.
What it's actually saying: We just didn't give a fuck.

Looks like Kay didn't do so well in her graphic design course.