Sunday, January 26, 2014

History Time! Michigan Enabling and Statehood Acts

Many states proudly post the text of the legislation establishing their statehood on their governmental web site. Michigan does not do this, probably because the Enabling Act of 1836 has the shameful title of "An Act to establish the northern boundary line of the State of Ohio, and to provide for the admission of the State of Michigan into the Union upon the conditions therein expressed." So, as a public service at the start of Year 178, here is the text of the Michigan statehood act of January 26, 1837.

An Act to admit the State of Michigan into the Union, upon an equal footing with the original States.

Whereas, in pursuance of the act of Congress of June the fifteenth, eighteen hundred and thirty-six, entitled “An act to establish the northern boundary of the State of Ohio, and to provide for the admission of the State of Michigan into the Union upon the conditions therein expressed,” a convention of delegates, elected by the people of the said State of Michigan, for the sole purpose of giving their assent to the boundaries of the said State of Michigan as described, declared, and established, in and by the said act, did, on the fifteenth of December, eighteen hundred and thirty-six, assent to the provisions of the said act, therefore:

Be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America in Congress assembled, That the State of Michigan shall be one, and is hereby declared to be one, of the United States of America, and admitted into the Union on an equal footing with the original States, in all respects whatever.

SEC. 2. And be it further enacted, That the Secretary of the Treasury, in carrying into effect the thirteenth and fourteenth sections of the act of the twenty-third of June, eighteen hundred and thirty-six, entitled, “An act to regulate the deposites of the public money,” shall consider the State of Michigan as being one of the United States.

APPROVED, January 26, 1837.

After the jump, the aforementioned Enabling Act of 1836.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Long live the Nussmeter!

Doug Nussmeier presents a quandary for fans of arbitrary meters ranking offensive coordinators. He is the most famous Nussmeier in the world. There has never been a Jorge Luis Nussmeier out there writing Nobel Prize-winning magic realism. He is no Todd Grantham, who allows Louisville's defense to be ranked according to Downton Abbey characters (I rank his hire a solid Ethel).

We therefore turn to etymology. Nussmeier comes from Low German and means, roughly, nut farmer. So, to replace the Borges-O-Meter, please welcome the Nussmeter. From this day, we shall rank Michigan's offensive performance by comparing it to the appropriate kind of nut. We refer to "nut" in the culinary sense: botanical drupes and nut-like seeds are part of the Nussmeter.

The Nussmeter has 12 levels, listed below:

0. Buckeye

The Nussmeter already has a big advantage over the Borges-O-Meter: there is clearly a nut we can call the absolute zero of nuts. The Nussmeter can never go negative. Thanks to Craig for finding the appropriately terrifying buckeye image over two years ago.

1. Filbert

According to Wikipedia, filberts are "are commonly used as 'filler' in mixed nut combinations." So that's pretty bad.

2. Brazil nut

Brazil nuts are a pain in the butt to crack and not worth the trouble of cracking. They're a good source of selenium, which makes them better than filberts.

3. Chestnut

For when the offense gets roasted on an open fire.

4. Almond

"Eating even a few dozen at one sitting can be fatal." The offense is all right but you wouldn't want large doses of it.

5. Red Pistachio Nut
6. All-Natural White Pistachio Nut

7. Walnut
8. Pecan

The walnut and pecan are the only nuts associated with bowl games. Diamond Walnut sponsored the San Francisco Bowl before it became the Fight Hunger Bowl we know and acknowledge. I was surprised to learn that the pecan is the only nut to ever have a bowl game itself named for it. The walnut and pecan thus symbolize bowl-capable offensive performance.

9. Cashew

The opposite of the filbert: the nut you pick out of the mixed nuts.

10. Macadamia

The most expensive of the nuts by weight. Can survive in Hardiness Zone 10. Would be at the top of the charts, if not for:

11. Nuts and Gum

Together at last! The Tlön of the nut world.

The Nussmeter starts out at Level 5, red pistachio nut. There are a lot of flaws that are being dyed over right now but, if they get straightened out, we could have something Wonderful.

Here is the Nussmeter in its GIFfy glory:

Wednesday, January 08, 2014

It's not all good news

The Borges-O-Meter is sadly retired. Perhaps the new offensive co-ordinator will be Larry Paz, Steve Neruda, or Mike Garcia Marquez. Until then, we soldier on and learn as much as we can about the works of Adolfo Mazzone.