Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Long live the Nussmeter!

Doug Nussmeier presents a quandary for fans of arbitrary meters ranking offensive coordinators. He is the most famous Nussmeier in the world. There has never been a Jorge Luis Nussmeier out there writing Nobel Prize-winning magic realism. He is no Todd Grantham, who allows Louisville's defense to be ranked according to Downton Abbey characters (I rank his hire a solid Ethel).

We therefore turn to etymology. Nussmeier comes from Low German and means, roughly, nut farmer. So, to replace the Borges-O-Meter, please welcome the Nussmeter. From this day, we shall rank Michigan's offensive performance by comparing it to the appropriate kind of nut. We refer to "nut" in the culinary sense: botanical drupes and nut-like seeds are part of the Nussmeter.

The Nussmeter has 12 levels, listed below:

0. Buckeye

The Nussmeter already has a big advantage over the Borges-O-Meter: there is clearly a nut we can call the absolute zero of nuts. The Nussmeter can never go negative. Thanks to Craig for finding the appropriately terrifying buckeye image over two years ago.

1. Filbert

According to Wikipedia, filberts are "are commonly used as 'filler' in mixed nut combinations." So that's pretty bad.

2. Brazil nut

Brazil nuts are a pain in the butt to crack and not worth the trouble of cracking. They're a good source of selenium, which makes them better than filberts.

3. Chestnut

For when the offense gets roasted on an open fire.

4. Almond

"Eating even a few dozen at one sitting can be fatal." The offense is all right but you wouldn't want large doses of it.

5. Red Pistachio Nut
6. All-Natural White Pistachio Nut

7. Walnut
8. Pecan

The walnut and pecan are the only nuts associated with bowl games. Diamond Walnut sponsored the San Francisco Bowl before it became the Fight Hunger Bowl we know and acknowledge. I was surprised to learn that the pecan is the only nut to ever have a bowl game itself named for it. The walnut and pecan thus symbolize bowl-capable offensive performance.

9. Cashew

The opposite of the filbert: the nut you pick out of the mixed nuts.

10. Macadamia

The most expensive of the nuts by weight. Can survive in Hardiness Zone 10. Would be at the top of the charts, if not for:

11. Nuts and Gum

Together at last! The Tlön of the nut world.

The Nussmeter starts out at Level 5, red pistachio nut. There are a lot of flaws that are being dyed over right now but, if they get straightened out, we could have something Wonderful.

Here is the Nussmeter in its GIFfy glory:


Unknown said...

I'm a white male, aged 18-49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.

Daniel Efosa Uyi said...
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