Wednesday, December 05, 2012

HOCKEYBEAR's Guide to Campus Destruction VI: Iowa State University

HOCKEYBEAR is not a bear to argue with success. When I created an army of radioactive ants to destroy the University of Phoenix, not only did they succeed in wiping out all of its locations in HOCKEYBEAR's plane of existence, they breached the very fabric between fiction and reality and caused the closure of 115 Phoenix branches in the universe you small humans inhabit.

So when HOCKEYBEAR fan MGoShoe requested that I follow up my demolition of the University of Phoenix with a rampage of DeVry Unversity, I knew what I had to do. I fueled up my F-16 and set course for the radioactive ant homeworld, where my army of ants had retired after completing their epic destruction. Having built themselves a quiet and tranquil anthill, they were reluctant to return to Earth for this extra mission but agreed on the condition that HOCKEYBEAR provide them with 100 megatons of Earth sugar.

Due to my affiliation with the University of Alaska, HOCKEYBEAR is required to buy American whenever possible. On my way back to Earth, I stopped by the Galactibank to convert enough galactic credits to Earth currency to purchase the sugar. Or so I thought. When I landed in the U.S. to buy my sugar pile, I was ENRAGED to discover that the price of sugar in the U.S. is more than twice its price in Canada!

He eventually tried to nick some sugar from HOCKEYBEAR.
His tea-drinking days are now over.
What could be the cause of this discrepancy? According to the Cato Institute, U.S. sugar prices are artificially inflated to support the corn industry! And what state gains the most from a propped-up corn industry? IOWA. HOCKEYBEAR has always been suspicious of Iowa's mysterious lack of hockey:

For the purposes of this map, HOCKEYBEAR defines the presence
of hockey to mean either a D-I or a D-III team.
And now I learn they game the political process so that their corn industry is protected and HOCKEYBEAR has to pay way too much for sugar! I am ready to RAMPAGE, but which school should I rampage?

You escape this time, Hawkeyes, because your nickname kind of sounds like "hockey." Also because HOCKEYBEAR wants to make references to The Home Economics Story.


  1. benefiting for protectionist trade policies that force HOCKEYBEAR to pay too much for sugar
  2. insisting that its state's caucus be first in the nation, thereby making the presidential election campaign last forever and driving the American populace to almost HOCKEYBEARLIKE levels of rage
  3. making a recruitment video so sexist it was even sexist by 1950s standards
It was just the usual sort of day...or was it? HOCKEYBEAR wonders if he'll ever find his away around campus. Which way to the tennis courts? They need to be turned into rubble ASAP.

That hat better not be made from polar bear fur.
HOCKEYBEAR would be less confused by Iowa State's failure to embrace hockey if their foot-ball team had won anything ever in the last 100 years. ISU is celebrating the 100th anniversary of their last foot-ball conference championship. You thinks it's Farmageddon when Kansas State comes to visit? Well, HOCKEYBEAR's in town, so you don't need that "F" anymore.

Polar bears exhibit more sexual dimorphism than humans, but female polar
bears would still utterly destroy you for this.
Seriously, Iowa State, seriously? "The kind of physics a girl would like?" By the 1950s it had been well-established that the kind of physics girls like includes developing foundational models of enzyme kinetics, establishing correspondences between differentiable symmetries of action and conservation laws, and discovering fission and all the radioactive elements. HOCKEYBEAR uses the results of these research breakthroughs to build laser hockey sticks, break air-speed records in my jet, and breed armies of radioactive ants.

You know what, Iowa State? You're not worth it. HOCKEYBEAR is just going to throw the entire campus into a giant blender. Let's see if that's the kind of physics you like.

What? You mean I need to be subservient to HOCKEYBEAR?
No, tiny human. While you should be careful not to enrage HOCKEYBEAR, you do not need to be subservient. There is far too much to see in the universe for HOCKEYBEAR to spend my time enslaving humans.

With Iowa State's campus converted into a concrete smoothie, HOCKEYBEAR will get back into my jet and head to D.C., where I'll tell Congress they'll be on their way over a most-definitely-not fiscal cliff if they don't repeal the corn protectionism laws, posthaste. Once Congress has done its job for the first time in several decades, HOCKEYBEAR will purchase 100 megatons of made-in-America sugar to coax his radioactive ants out of retirement. After a round-trip to their homeworld, the radioactive ants are unleashed in Downers Grove, Illinois and set out across the continent, devouring all 95 DeVry locations. HOCKEYBEAR thinks DeVry's shareholders will find that day to be a real downer!

Next time: HOCKEYBEAR has to go to North Pole to help Santa get his new radar-cloaking devices installed in time for Christmas, but I'll be back in time for Alaska's visit to Yost in January!

HOCKEYBEAR is a renowned primeval force of destruction known for his appearances in University of Alaska hockey intro videos. When not traveling across the galaxy destroying planets and stars, he lives in Fairbanks and supports his hometown Nanooks. You can follow HOCKEYBEAR's satirical path of destruction and links to cute polar bear videos on Twitter at @AKhockeybear.

No comments: