Despite HOCKEYBEAR's overwhelming support for education, both traditional and non-traditional, I am ENRAGED by many of the schools that provide non-traditional education in the United States. While I think there is nothing wrong with wanting to have a comfortable career in teaching, HOCKEYBEAR thinks for-profit education always goes wrong for a simple reason. The sort of human who decides to start a business on the model that "People don't know things they need to know. I want to make millions of dollars off of that" is a jerk. And, because that human is a jerk, he/she will decide to do other things like instruct recruiters to mislead potential students about the costs and benefits of attending his/her school, maintain extremely low graduation rates, extract millions of dollars in loans that eventually default from the federal government, and cheat on standardized tests.
|Why wait for Superman when HOCKEYBEAR's already here?|
The problem with destroying for-profit universities is that they open numerous campuses across the country, and so HOCKEYBEAR's methods for destroying traditional campuses would result in far too much collateral damage. However, their destruction is required, so HOCKEYBEAR will have to get creative. University of Phoenix, prepare to meet you're doom!
TARGET: UNIVERSITY OF PHOENIX
Crime: That's for the law to decide
HOCKEYBEAR bears no grudge against the Arizona Cardinals, but all other teams be warned: if you sell the naming rights to your stadium to a company HOCKEYBEAR deems worthy of rampaging, your stadium will also be rampaged. It's probably best to avoid selling your naming rights to wireless companies and large banks then.
So I'll start my rampage by flying down to Glendale, Arizona, where I'll attach a tow line to University of Phoenix Stadium and carry it off for repurposing. (The Pat Tillman Memorial Plaza will, of course, remained untouched.) Using thermonuclear power to recycle the stadium materials, I will unveil HOCKEYBEAR's most destructive creation yet: the Annihil-phoenix.
|The Annihil-phoenix (Artist's Conception)|
|The ants will act independently and not need a human to lead them.|
HOCKEYBEAR has contingency plans in place in case Feeney-X, the University of Phoenix's superhero protector, attempts to stop this plan. Fortunately, I believe his multimillionaire alter ego is too busy running for President right now, so this destructive mission should go according to plan.
Postscript. HOCKEYBEAR and Killface are a lot alike. We're both completely white, we both go around naked most of the time, and we both make weapons of mass destruction. But mine work, dammit!
Next time: HOCKEYBEAR pays a visit to the most notorious cheaters in NCAA history, the California Institute of Technology.
HOCKEYBEAR is a renowned primeval force of destruction known for his appearances in University of Alaska hockey intro videos. When not traveling across the galaxy destroying planets and stars, he lives in Fairbanks and supports his hometown Nanooks. You can follow HOCKEYBEAR's satirical path of destruction and links to cute polar bear videos on Twitter at @AKhockeybear. You can nominate campuses for destruction by messaging HOCKEYBEAR on Twitter too!