HOCKEYBEAR's Guide to Campus Destruction VI: Iowa State University

HOCKEYBEAR is not a bear to argue with success. When I created an army of radioactive ants to destroy the University of Phoenix, not only did they succeed in wiping out all of its locations in HOCKEYBEAR's plane of existence, they breached the very fabric between fiction and reality and caused the closure of 115 Phoenix branches in the universe you small humans inhabit.

So when HOCKEYBEAR fan MGoShoe requested that I follow up my demolition of the University of Phoenix with a rampage of DeVry Unversity, I knew what I had to do. I fueled up my F-16 and set course for the radioactive ant homeworld, where my army of ants had retired after completing their epic destruction. Having built themselves a quiet and tranquil anthill, they were reluctant to return to Earth for this extra mission but agreed on the condition that HOCKEYBEAR provide them with 100 megatons of Earth sugar.

Due to my affiliation with the University of Alaska, HOCKEYBEAR is required to buy American whenever possible. On my way back to Earth, I stopped by the Galactibank to convert enough galactic credits to Earth currency to purchase the sugar. Or so I thought. When I landed in the U.S. to buy my sugar pile, I was ENRAGED to discover that the price of sugar in the U.S. is more than twice its price in Canada!

He eventually tried to nick some sugar from HOCKEYBEAR.
His tea-drinking days are now over.

What could be the cause of this discrepancy? According to the Cato Institute, U.S. sugar prices are artificially inflated to support the corn industry! And what state gains the most from a propped-up corn industry? IOWA. HOCKEYBEAR has always been suspicious of Iowa's mysterious lack of hockey:

For the purposes of this map, HOCKEYBEAR defines the presence
of hockey to mean either a D-I or a D-III team.

And now I learn they game the political process so that their corn industry is protected and HOCKEYBEAR has to pay way too much for sugar! I am ready to RAMPAGE, but which school should I rampage?

You escape this time, Hawkeyes, because your nickname kind of sounds like "hockey." Also because HOCKEYBEAR wants to make references to The Home Economics Story.