THEME SONG
In the not too distant future, Saturday A.D.
There was a guy named Jordan, not too different from you or me
He worked at Schembechler Institute, just another face in a maize jumpsuit
He did a good job cleaning up the place, but his bosses kinda liked him so they made him play in space
(Curse you GERG!)
We'll send him speedy runners, the best we can find
He'll have to stop, tackle them all as we monitor his mind
Now keep in mind he can't control when the games begin or end
He'll try to keep his sanity with the help of his D-Line friends...
D-LINE ROLL CALL!
Martin! (I'm Captain!)
Heininger! (Left side!)
Van Bergen! (Where've you been?)
Rooooooooooooooooh! (I'm sophomore!)
If you're wondering how he eats and breathes and other science facts
He's got a meal card and it's set on earth so you can really just relax
For Michigan Defense Theater 3000.
FADE IN TO:
INT. SATELLITE OF YOST
JORDAN
Hi, everyone and welcome to the Satellite of Yost. I'm Jordan Kovacs and since I'm out with a bad knee, I'm helping the D-line make motivational bracelets to keep focus on the field. Mine says "WWERD" for "What would Ed Reed do?" Coach Mattison says I could be like him, if I could run a lot faster. What does yours say, Van Bergen?
VAN BERGEN
Mine says "WWTGD" for "What would Tom Gholston do?" I then try and do the opposite.
JORDAN
Well, that's refreshingly bitter. Roh, what's with the bracelet with all the W's?
ROH
It stands for "What would Wade Wilson, Wes Welker, Warren Wells, Wesley Walls, Will Witherspoon, and Whizzer White do?"
HEININGER
I don't think Coach Hoke would like that bracelet. A lot of those guys didn't play for Michigan.
MAGIC VOICE
[sounds a lot like Evan Caminker] I'd like to take a moment to remind the reader that this script is a parody not based on actual events, and the people appearing in this script are public figures.
JORDAN
Thanks, magic voice. Uh-oh, the Mads are calling.
JORDAN pushes the red button.
