Michigan Defense Theater: The Return - Experiment 1704: Purdilicus

INT. SCHEMBECHLER INSTITUTE

NOAH FURBUSH is piloting a spaceship while hitting a huge pile of AEROSPACE ENGINEERING textbooks.

WARDE MANUEL

What is he doing?

SUSIE HENDERSON

That's Noah Furbush, one of our top linebackers. He's probably working on a drone control algorithm for his capstone project. He's returning with the largest cache of Stephen Ross donations the world has ever seen.

WARDE MANUEL

That's really going to help with our funding problems at Schembechler Institute.

[blows nose with $100 bill]

A DISTRESS SIGNAL appears on the radar.

TV'S SON ON TV'S GERG

Five, four, three, two, one. Blog trap initiated. Mayday!

NOAH

Someone needs my help. This is Noah Furbush from the Schembechler Institute, I'm preparing to land.

A PNEUMATIC TUBE appears and sucks up NOAH FURBUSH.

THEME SONG

In the not-too-distant future, next Saturday A.D.
There was a guy named Noah, so much taller than you or me
He worked at Schembechler Institute
Just another guy in a maize jumpsuit
A distress call came it at five past noon
But an evil Sparty trapped him so he'll have to be a dude

I'll send him speedy runners, the best I can find
He'll have to stop, tackle them all, while I monitor his mind

Now keep it mind that Noah can't control when the runners begin or end
He'll try to keep his sanity with the help of his D-Line friends

Maurice!
Gary!
Chase Wino!
Mooooooone!

If you're wondering how he eats and breathes and other science facts
He's got a meal card and it's set on Earth so you should really just relax
For Michigan Defense Theater 3000!

INT. SATELLITE OF YOST

NOAH

Hi everyone, welcome to the Satellite of Yost. I'm Noah, and these are my friends Chase Wino and Mone.

MONE

You're not my friend!

CHASE WINO

Come on, Mone, Noah is our friend and trusted ally on the rare occasions that a runner gets to the second level.

NOAH

Since we've last been here, we've made a few upgrades. I've added an appetite simulator to Maurice - the good news is that he moves even faster but the bad news is he's always hungry. Gary handles all the higher functions on the Satellite of Yost so I've upgraded him to bigger and faster than you can possible imagine.

And everyone can fly now! But only on the football field.

A RED LIGHT flashes.

NOAH

Dammit, Moon 3-9 is calling.

Michigan Defense Theater 3000 Experiment 1114: Sugar Mutiny

THEME SONG

In the not too distant future, Saturday A.D.

There was a guy named Jordan, not too different from you or me

He worked at Schembechler Institute, just another face in a maize jumpsuit

He did a good job cleaning up the place, but his bosses kinda liked him so they made him play in space

(Curse you GERG!)

We'll send him speedy runners, the best we can find

He'll have to stop, tackle them all as we monitor his mind

Now keep in mind he can't control when the games begin or end

He'll try to keep his sanity with the help of his D-Line friends...

D-LINE ROLL CALL!

Martin! (I'm Captain!)

Heininger! (Left side!)

Van Bergen! (Where've you been?)

Rooooooooooooooooh! (I'm sophomore!)

If you're wondering how he eats and breathes and other science facts

He's got a meal card and it's set on earth so you can really just relax

For Michigan Defense Theater 3000.

FADE IN TO:

INT. SATELLITE OF YOST

JORDAN

Hi, everyone, and welcome to the Satellite of Yost. Since Coach Hoke and Coach Mattison have given us a little time off after we beat Ohio, I've dusted off my old set of encyclopedias so we can study up on our next opponent, Virginia Tech.

VAN BERGEN

Jordan, this encyclopedia is completely worthless for my biography of Gary Danielson.

ROH

Yeah, Jordan, it's really old. It lists Woody Hayes as a "fairly stable young football coach at Denison University."

VAN BERGEN

It mentions the forward pass as a charming theory.

ROH

It calls Lafayette College a perennial power.

VAN BERGEN

Its list of college football's winningest programs is: "McGill: 1."

ROH

It says that using your hands to hold the ball is illegal.

VAN BERGEN

It's got a picture of the Big House.

JORDAN

So?

ROH & VAN BERGEN

Capacity 72,000?

JORDAN

So what you high-minded encyclopedia snobs are saying is that you want a new set? I'll get you a new set. You know, they got me through college.

ROH

You're still in college.

COMMERCIAL BREAK. INSERT ROTEL JOKE HERE.

Michigan Defense Theater Experiment 1112: Brady Hoke Conquers the Buckeyes

THEME SONG

In the not too distant future, Saturday A.D.

There was a guy named Jordan, not too different from you or me

He worked at Schembechler Institute, just another face in a maize jumpsuit

He did a good job cleaning up the place, but his bosses kinda liked him so they made him play in space

(Curse you GERG!)

We'll send him speedy runners, the best we can find

He'll have to stop, tackle them all as we monitor his mind

Now keep in mind he can't control when the games begin or end

He'll try to keep his sanity with the help of his D-Line friends...

D-LINE ROLL CALL!

Martin! (I'm Captain!)

Heininger! (Left side!)

Van Bergen! (Where've you been?)

Rooooooooooooooooh! (I'm sophomore!)

If you're wondering how he eats and breathes and other science facts

He's got a meal card and it's set on earth so you can really just relax

For Michigan Defense Theater 3000.

FADE IN TO:

INT. SATELLITE OF YOST

JORDAN

Hi, everyone. It's just a regular Thursday in most of Windsor, but it's Thanksgiving here at the Satellite of Yost. I'm Jordan Kovacs and the D-line and I are counting the things we are thankful for.

ROH

I'm thankful for Coach Hoke and Coach Mattison for finally teaching me how to play defense. And I'm thankful for Coach Borges for improving the offense to the point where we don't have to carry them anymore.

JORDAN

Roh, I'm not looking for sarcasm right now! We should be genuinely grateful for Coach Borges and the offense, who help us out when we're not at our best. Although, admittedly, it's been a while since we haven't been at our best.

VAN BERGEN

I'm thankful for Jim Delany and Don Beebe, who have worked together to make the Big Ten bigger and better than ever.

HEININGER

I'm thankful for the 100,000+ fans that come out and support us every home game. I'd name every one, but we do need to play a game on Saturday.

JORDAN

Indeed you should thank them, Heininger. And I'm even thankful for the Mads, who have furnished the Satellite of Yost with a fabulous stuffed animal collection. Hey, they're calling right now.

JORDAN pushes the red button.

Michigan Defense Theater Experiment 1109: "Girl In Gold Pants"

THEME SONG

In the not too distant future, Saturday A.D.

There was a guy named Jordan, not too different from you or me

He worked at Schembechler Institute, just another face in a maize jumpsuit

He did a good job cleaning up the place, but his bosses kinda liked him so they made him play in space

(Curse you GERG!)

We'll send him speedy runners, the best we can find

He'll have to stop, tackle them all as we monitor his mind

Now keep in mind he can't control when the games begin or end

He'll try to keep his sanity with the help of his D-Line friends...

D-LINE ROLL CALL!

Martin! (I'm Captain!)

Heininger! (Left side!)

Van Bergen! (Where've you been?)

Rooooooooooooooooh! (I'm sophomore!)

If you're wondering how he eats and breathes and other science facts

He's got a meal card and it's set on earth so you can really just relax

For Michigan Defense Theater 3000.

FADE IN TO:

INT. SATELLITE OF YOST

JORDAN

Hi, everyone and welcome to the Satellite of Yost. I'm Jordan Kovacs and since I'm out with a bad knee, I'm helping the D-line make motivational bracelets to keep focus on the field. Mine says "WWERD" for "What would Ed Reed do?" Coach Mattison says I could be like him, if I could run a lot faster. What does yours say, Van Bergen?

VAN BERGEN

Mine says "WWTGD" for "What would Tom Gholston do?" I then try and do the opposite.

JORDAN

Well, that's refreshingly bitter. Roh, what's with the bracelet with all the W's?

ROH

It stands for "What would Wade Wilson, Wes Welker, Warren Wells, Wesley Walls, Will Witherspoon, and Whizzer White do?"

HEININGER

I don't think Coach Hoke would like that bracelet. A lot of those guys didn't play for Michigan.

MAGIC VOICE

[sounds a lot like Evan Caminker] I'd like to take a moment to remind the reader that this script is a parody not based on actual events, and the people appearing in this script are public figures.

JORDAN

Thanks, magic voice. Uh-oh, the Mads are calling.

JORDAN pushes the red button.

Michigan Defense Theater Experiment 1106: "Zook People/Persa A-Go-Go"

THEME SONG

In the not too distant future, Saturday A.D.

There was a guy named Jordan, not too different from you or me

He worked at Schembechler Institute, just another face in a maize jumpsuit

He did a good job cleaning up the place, but his bosses kinda liked him so they made him play in space

(Curse you GERG!)

We'll send him speedy runners, the best we can find

He'll have to stop, tackle them all as we monitor his mind

Now keep in mind he can't control when the games begin or end

He'll try to keep his sanity with the help of his D-Line friends...

D-LINE ROLL CALL!

Martin! (I'm Captain!)

Heininger! (Left side!)

Van Bergen! (Where've you been?)

Rooooooooooooooooh! (I'm sophomore!)

If you're wondering how he eats and breathes and other science facts

He's got a meal card and it's set on earth so you can really just relax

For Michigan Defense Theater 3000.

INT. SATELLITE OF YOST

JORDAN

Hi, everyone and welcome to the Satellite of Yost. I'm Jordan Kovacs and I'm usually accompanied by my pals Roh and Van Bergen, but I don't see them around right now. Martin, can you get me Rocket Number 9?

Rocket Number 9 shows MARTIN, HEININGER, VAN BERGEN, and ROH holding off a disorganized horde of invaders of Minnesota. The horde retreats, and VAN BERGEN and ROH enter the Satellite of Yost.