ZACK NOVAK, STU DOUGLASS, TIM HARDAWAY JR., and TREY BURKE leave the Crisler Center after an intense practice.
ZACK NOVAK
Oh man, that was brutal! I could sleep for days!
STU DOUGLASS
Yeah, I haven't worked so hard since that time I managed to dunk against Tennessee. I'm exhausted.
TIM HARDAWAY JR.
I'd love to get some shuteye too, but Trey and I promised the girls we'd deliver the leis we picked up for them at the Maui Invitational.
JENNY RYAN enters.
JENNY RYAN
Hey guys, finally got some flowers for your ladies?
TREY BURKE
[carrying a large box] Yeah, we got 'em right here.
TREY notices a suspicious looking red and green van parked nearby.
TREY BURKE
Hey, there's usually nobody parked here this late except for Coach B and the staff. I hope nobody's in troub...
ZACK, STU, TIM, TREY, and JENNY are simultaneously hit in the backs of their heads with blunt objects, knocking them unconscious.
CUT TO:
INT. SATELLITE OF YOST
Our heroes awaken.
STU
What the heck is this place? Where are we? [notices a video camera] Hey cool, that is one awesome camera!
JENNY
This place stinks. It smells like Van Bergen dropped a deuce in here. I'm going to figure out how to get the life support systems running.
ZACK
Hey, Tim and Trey, we should go exploring. That's weird...a bunch of numbered doors...and behind them...a theater? What the hell?
CUT TO:
THEME SONG
In the not too distant future, Saturday A.D.
There was a guy named Zack, not too different from you or me
He worked at Schembechler Institute, just another face in a maize jumpsuit
He distributed mail all throughout the place, but his bosses kinda liked him so they made him set the pace
(Slow it down!)
We'll send him tall defenders, the best we can find
He'll have to thread it through them all as we monitor his mind
Now keep in mind he can't control when the games begin or end
He'll try to keep his sanity with the help of his backcourt friends...
BACKCOURT ROLL CALL!
Douglass! (Polarize!)
Jenny! (Hustle!)
Tim Jr.! (It gets better!)
Treeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyy! (I'm awesome!)
If you're wondering how he eats and breathes and other science facts
He's got a meal card and it's set on earth so you can really just relax
For Michigan Backcourt Theater 3000.
FADE IN TO:
INT. SATELLITE OF YOST
STU has ensconced himself behind the camera and is devoting his time to recording the proceedings for eventual use in a court of law.
JENNY
Zack, Trey, Tim! There's a bunch of weird buttons here. And there's a red one that's flashing.
TIM JR.
Since things can't get much worse, we might as well push it.
ZACK pushes the red button.
