Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Seal Block Week 4: We're Not in Kansas Anymore

The hardest part of this week's ranking of the Big XII seals was keeping track of which schools are in the Big XII. My most shocking discovery was that this blog has never used an "mst3k" label before.

10. Iowa State
What it's trying to say: The dog ate our original seal.
What it's actually saying: We just didn't give a fuck.

Looks like Kay didn't do so well in her graphic design course.

9. Oklahoma State
What it's trying to say: Every triangle has three corners, every triangle has three sides. No more no less, you don't have to guess.
What it's actually saying: We're just waiting for T. Boone Pickens to die so we can put his face on the seal.

Lazy seal + only tiny version of seal on Internet = bad rating. I hope this seal wasn't designed by a 19-year-old so Mike Gundy won't yell at me.

8. Texas
What it's trying to say: We're in Texas!
What it's actually saying: We'll use burnt orange whether it makes sense or not.

What we learn here is that white on a burnt orange background is a good color scheme, but that burnt orange on a white background is a terrible one. Points for putting writing in the book, even if it can barely be read.

7. Texas A&M
What it's trying to say: We're in Texas!
What it's actually saying: This is what Iowa State's seal would have looked like if they had given a fuck.

It's got a star and a capital "T." What more do you need if you're in Texas?

6. Texas Tech
What it's trying to say: We're in Texas!
What it's actually saying: The look, the touch, the feel of Lubbock.

Violates Seal Rule #5: Write something in the book. The symbols in the cross of the shield are not acorns; they are in fact cotton bolls. Texas Tech has never won the Cotton Bowl.

5. Kansas
What it's trying to say: We're in the Sinai!
What it's actually saying: No need to study. The answers will come to you from on high.

According to KU, "Moses is thought to represent the humble attitude of the scholar who recognizes the unquenchable nature of the pursuit of truth and knowledge." While Moses was a scholar who wrote the Pentateuch, I don't think his pursuit of knowledge was unquenchable. If God couldn't quench his pursuit of knowledge, that opens up a lot of theological issues.

4. Baylor
What it's trying to say: We're in Texas!
What it's actually saying: It really used to be a whole other country, and we liked it that way!

I really want to hate the inclusion of the phrase "Chartered in 1845 by the Republic of Texas," but being chartered by a nation that only existed for nine years is awesome. Replace Texas with Vermont or California if you don't believe me.

3. Missouri
What it's trying to say: We support the welfare of the people and of the bears.
What it's actually saying: In your first year at Missouri, it's really exciting and interesting. By the end of your sixth year there, you're left wondering what the hell it was all about.

What the fuck is a polar bear doing in Columbia, Missouri? According to Missouri-Rolla graduate Jeremy, "Officially, the University of Missouri seal depicts a grizzly bear in reference to Missouri's state seal. Why it is a white grizzly bear, I have no idea. With this kind of shoddy work, you understand why the Rolla campus changed its name in order to distance itself from the Columbia campus."

2. Kansas State
What it's trying to say: Rule by obeying Nature's laws.
What it's actually saying: Rule by plowing Nature's fields.

Every man a wildcat? Every person a wildcat? Everyone a wildcat? According to the seal, every hay bale a wildcat. At least they put more effort into this than they did with their mascot.

1. Oklahoma
What it's trying to say: We sow the seeds of knowledge.
What it's actually saying: We spent our farm equipment budget on National Merit Finalist scholarships.

In the institutional commercial that airs during every Oklahoma football game, university President David Boren boasts that OU has more National Merit Finalists than any other university. He leaves out the quite salient fact that every National Merit Finalist that attends OU gets a free ride.

"Sowing the seeds of knowledge" is about the best metaphor you could get on the great plains, so this week's champion is Oklahoma. Next week, we'll see how they would have done in the Pac-12.

The Big XII takes fourth place behind the SEC, ACC, and B1G, and will soon be announcing plans to disband in shame.


Craig Barker said...

I, too, am shocked (and mildly appalled) that we've never used the MST3K label. That seems like a natural for us.

Ed Cormany said...

the unorthodox abbreviation of the Latin on the Missouri seal makes it sound like Esperanto or Interlingua or something. i wonder what their diplomas look like.