A secret society of the eight wealthiest mascots in the Northeast has just convened at an estate in Providence, RI, otherwise known as John Marinatto's basement. Chip crumbs, an almost empty bowl of mango-peach salsa, and an apology note to Sean Keeley form a still-life on an otherwise empty table. The basement itself is a 16-sided room, from which the mascots control the Northeastern bank money supplies, Fort Dix, ESPN and the Wesleyan College student newspaper.
On the walls of this room are eight seals. They are known as The Octosigillion.
Parental discretion is advised.
(holding a copy of C.F. Gauss's Disquisitiones Arithmeticae)
Listen up, ladies and gentlemen and neuters. TCU's going to be joining us soon, so we have to renovate this room so that it is a regular 17-sided polygon. In order to do that, the contractors have asked us to rate ourselves from best to worst-designed. Since we don't have names, I propose we adopt the names of our school's mascots for this discussion. Are you OK with that, Otto?
For pete's sake, Bull, it was 1766. Even I was in the west then. I controlled Cleveland for some reason. And since when do you know anything about geography? You're called SOUTH Florida and yet you're in Tampa.
Yeah, but the guy who's chronicling this conversation is Canadian, and he's gonna be pissed. So are we in agreement, Bull is a major "needs improvement" on the geographic accuracy? (Everyone yells out: aye!)
Get lost, Otto. You think your laurel is impressive, but it's about as lazy as seal design goes. And you're so insecure that you need to paint your initials orange? I think even a Syracuse student could figure out the school's initials are "SU."
Screw you cultores, I'm outta here! (leaves, plans this)
(wakes up) You whippersnapper! In 1766 a seal had to actually seal scrolls of paper shut. And we were hard at work those days preparing for a little war called the American Goshdarn Revolution! I spent winter at Valley Forge with a fellow named Darrell that lost so much weight you'd swear you couldn't see him from sideways. After the war, he swore he'd never be hungry again. I wonder what became of him.
What's an Oompa-Loompa? And our state's overtanning epidemic is due to those infernal machines, not the sun. Curse Thomas Edison and his distribution of electricity! Back in the day, we tanned by candlelight and we liked it that way!
And quit lying about your age. I appreciate that you're trying to protect us from that splenetic Frances Trollope, but I've got it covered. If she'd had some Skyline chili, she'd never have been so upset.
Needless to say, Bearcat, Panther, and I are all better than those two. I have Greek and Latin, and I even didn't wuss out and use English on my establishment date like everybody else. Husky's 5th and Cardinal's 4th. Ok, guys, what do you got? I've got a drawing of my original school buildings, mountains in the background to symbolize stability, and, to keep it real with my state, the charred remains of couches out in front.
Oh, fuck you and your stupid ACC. You didn't put any effort into your seal. "Oh, we're in Pittsburgh, let's use the Pitt family coat of arms!" Real original.
We changed it up a little, asscat! We put the city and the Cathedral of Learning on top instead of a helmet. It has 2529 windows, you know. Windows into motherfuckin' knowledge!
Ok then. Bull, release the Lord Palmerston. (A spring-loaded boxing glove emerges from a door beside Bull and clobbers Panther, knocking the Pitt seal to the ground.)
Have fun in Dukiana, douche! So Panther, as usual, blows his chance to win a Big East Championship in the finals.
(wakes up) Why don't we hire Frank Gehry to design a room where nobody has any idea how many sides it actually has, and make it reconfigurable for when I inevitably leave you for the MAC or ACC? (falls asleep again)
Works for me! And if we end up letting Iowa State in, they get the spot next to the toilet.
(enters, no one seems upset by the trespassing) Congratulations, Big East! You've taken over first place in the conference rankings, knocking SEC into 2nd, ACC into 3rd, PAC into 4th, B1G into 5th, and Big XII into last. Really the only thing about your seals that sucks is Bull's crappy-ass globe. But if you merge with the Big XII North, you'll be taking a big tumble quickly. Next week we'll see what TCU and the rest of the Mountain West are up to.