So Your Program is Doomed?

DOOOOOOOOOOOOMED.

So your [CHOOSE ONE: once-proud / erratically successful / perennial also-ran / perpetual tire fire / Eastern Michigan] football program is struggling this year?

• Yes.  Oh sweet jebus, yes.
• Nope. Not sure why I'm taking this fake survey.

What do you propose to do about it? (CHOOSE ONE)

• Do nothing. ROLL TIDE.
• Do nothing. Mediocrity is an impossible dream.
• Insist "They just need more time!"
• MAKE 'EM RUN STEPS
• Fire a coordinator
• Fire the coach
• Fire the AD
• FIRE EVERYONE
• BURN IT TO THE GROUND AND SALT THE EARTH.

Do you have any coaching candidates in mind? (CHOOSE ONE)

• HAIL SABAN.
• An absurdly over-qualified alumnus who won't bother answering your phone calls
• Pipe-dream hotshot coach who'd be insane to leave behind his current success / low expectations
• Genius coordinator who's never been a head coach
• Up-and-coming mid-major / FCS coach with no big-time experience
• NFL retread
• NFL coordinator with no college experience in the past decade
• NFL position coach
• NFL position coach who flamed out as a college head coach (and may have slapped himself)
• Your current OC/DC on an interim basis
• Some guy who had one good MAC season
• Charlie Weiss

On a scale of Rodriguez at Michigan to Saban at Alabama, how good of a cultural fit is your dream candidate? (CHOOSE ONE)

• Rich Rodriguez / Michigan (2008)
• Charlie Weiss / Kansas (2012)
• Randy Edsall / Maryland (2011)
• Al Golden / Miami (2011)
• Brian Kelly / Notre Dame (2010)
• Brady Hoke / Michigan (2011)
• Chip Kelly / Oregon (2009)
• Nick Saban / Alabama (2007)

What is making you so angry? (Check all that apply)

• Lost to a rival
• Lost to most-hated rival
• Lost to a perpetual tomato-can
• Can't recruit
• Team is hemorrhaging players
• Fans treated like walking checkbook
• Insolvent athletic department
• NCAA violations
• Players put in danger
• Felonies
• Covering up felonies
• Oversigning
• PEOPLE KEEP TALKIN' BOUT THIS OVERSIGNIN', PAAAAAAWWWLLLL, BUT THEY JUS' JEALOUS!

Would you still be this angry if your team was winning? (CHOOSE ONE)

• No, obviously not, because *something* would be going better.
• No, because winning is the only thing that matters
• No, because my team is perfectly OK except they're terrible.
• Yes, because I am lying.
• Yes, because I don't like football.
• Yes, because I am an incendiary rage-bot. SOMETHING is going to set me off.

What kind of doomed is your program?

• EMU: As DOOMED as DOOMED can be. 
• Toledo: Once in a while we can win the MAC and get our coach a better job.
• Purdue: The Cure as a football team.  
• Indiana: Our greatest teams have the ability to beat almost anyone on any down, so they most often beat themselves. Otherwise a conference doormat. 
• Illinois: Once in a generation Rose Bowl, but usually Zooked. 
• Iowa: Real success every four years; otherwise losing to Iowa State. 
• Pitt: Crushing mediocrity with no hope is the norm forever, despite national championships not that long ago.
• Clemson: Perennial success, but never on a national title scale. See: Wisconsin.
• Notre Dame: We're living in the past, so the present is disappointing even when we're good.
• Texas: We have every advantage possible and are somehow terrible and in the middle of a gut-wrenching transition. See: Florida, Michigan (Michigan bonus: In our darkest hour, we hope to be Notre Dame.)
• Ohio State: Not quite a national title contender this year, but always a threat to win our league. See: Oklahoma
• Michigan State: Suddenly we're the pre-eminent program in our state for the first time in 50 years. Not anyone's default pick for a national championship team, but we have legitimate hope. See: Texas A&M, Stanford.
• Oregon: We don't really have a history, but we don't care because GOT MONEY and are successful now. We watched the first half of a video on the Miami Hurricanes, so we know this never changes!
• Alabama: Whether or not you choose to recognize it, we won every national championship since 1892. ROLL TIDE.