Friday, October 03, 2014

So Your Program is Doomed?


So your [CHOOSE ONE: once-proud / erratically successful / perennial also-ran / perpetual tire fire / Eastern Michigan] football program is struggling this year?
  • Yes.  Oh sweet jebus, yes.
  • Nope. Not sure why I'm taking this fake survey.

What do you propose to do about it? (CHOOSE ONE)
  • Do nothing. ROLL TIDE.
  • Do nothing. Mediocrity is an impossible dream.
  • Insist "They just need more time!"
  • Fire a coordinator
  • Fire the coach
  • Fire the AD

Do you have any coaching candidates in mind? (CHOOSE ONE)
  • An absurdly over-qualified alumnus who won't bother answering your phone calls
  • Pipe-dream hotshot coach who'd be insane to leave behind his current success / low expectations
  • Genius coordinator who's never been a head coach
  • Up-and-coming mid-major / FCS coach with no big-time experience
  • NFL retread
  • NFL coordinator with no college experience in the past decade
  • NFL position coach
  • NFL position coach who flamed out as a college head coach (and may have slapped himself)
  • Your current OC/DC on an interim basis
  • Some guy who had one good MAC season
  • Charlie Weiss

On a scale of Rodriguez at Michigan to Saban at Alabama, how good of a cultural fit is your dream candidate? (CHOOSE ONE)
  • Rich Rodriguez / Michigan (2008)
  • Charlie Weiss / Kansas (2012)
  • Randy Edsall / Maryland (2011)
  • Al Golden / Miami (2011)
  • Brian Kelly / Notre Dame (2010)
  • Brady Hoke / Michigan (2011)
  • Chip Kelly / Oregon (2009)
  • Nick Saban / Alabama (2007)

What is making you so angry? (Check all that apply)
  • Lost to a rival
  • Lost to most-hated rival
  • Lost to a perpetual tomato-can
  • Can't recruit
  • Team is hemorrhaging players
  • Fans treated like walking checkbook
  • Insolvent athletic department
  • NCAA violations
  • Players put in danger
  • Felonies
  • Covering up felonies
  • Oversigning

Would you still be this angry if your team was winning? (CHOOSE ONE)
  • No, obviously not, because *something* would be going better.
  • No, because winning is the only thing that matters
  • No, because my team is perfectly OK except they're terrible.
  • Yes, because I am lying.
  • Yes, because I don't like football.
  • Yes, because I am an incendiary rage-bot. SOMETHING is going to set me off.

What kind of doomed is your program?
  • EMU: As DOOMED as DOOMED can be. 
  • Toledo: Once in a while we can win the MAC and get our coach a better job.
  • Purdue: The Cure as a football team.  
  • Indiana: Our greatest teams have the ability to beat almost anyone on any down, so they most often beat themselves. Otherwise a conference doormat. 
  • Illinois: Once in a generation Rose Bowl, but usually Zooked. 
  • Iowa: Real success every four years; otherwise losing to Iowa State. 
  • Pitt: Crushing mediocrity with no hope is the norm forever, despite national championships not that long ago.
  • Clemson: Perennial success, but never on a national title scale. See: Wisconsin.
  • Notre Dame: We're living in the past, so the present is disappointing even when we're good.
  • Texas: We have every advantage possible and are somehow terrible and in the middle of a gut-wrenching transition. See: Florida, Michigan (Michigan bonus: In our darkest hour, we hope to be Notre Dame.)
  • Ohio State: Not quite a national title contender this year, but always a threat to win our league. See: Oklahoma
  • Michigan State: Suddenly we're the pre-eminent program in our state for the first time in 50 years. Not anyone's default pick for a national championship team, but we have legitimate hope. See: Texas A&M, Stanford.
  • Oregon: We don't really have a history, but we don't care because GOT MONEY and are successful now. We watched the first half of a video on the Miami Hurricanes, so we know this never changes!
  • Alabama: Whether or not you choose to recognize it, we won every national championship since 1892. ROLL TIDE.

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