HSR Exclusive: Mailbag!

Due to the recent email messages that have come to light, Dave Brandon has taken a leave of absence from responding to his email from various alumni and season ticket holders. In his stead, a number of guest authors have taken his place.


Mr. Brandon,

In the long history of my Michigan fandom, I have never been as disappointed in my alma mater as I am right now.  Not for the on the field product, but rather for the continuing litany of gaffes, both small and significant, that the athletic department seems committed to making on an almost daily basis.  I will not be renewing my tickets next year after 35 seasons as a season ticket holder and donor.

Thank you,
David Sanderson

Mr. Sanderson,

Pray tell whatever gaffes do you speak of for this great Meeechingan of ours?  While mistakes have been made, they have been made doing the great things, trying the bold and the innovative, creating a tradition and a future of which all Meeechigan men can be proud.  We hope that our new commitment to the moral benefits young men receive from playing foot ball will bring you back to Ferry Field next fall.

Sincerely,
F. H. Yost,
Coach
Foot Ball Department
Michigan Athletic Association

[Dictated to an urchin while running down State Street upon disembarking from a train]

Mr. Brandon,

My family and I have been season ticket holders since the early 1970's, and it pains me to say that we won't be renewing them this year. The price of the tickets, plus the "voluntary" donation, is just too much for us to bear on our fixed income, as my wife and I recently retired. Michigan Stadium has been so important to us, but squeezing every last cent out of the fan base has left us cold. We feel left out of the Michigan family.

Sincerely,
James Fairfield


Mr. Fairfield,

DISRESPECT. You feel left out? How dare you. I bet you don't respect football enough to earn the right to buy these tickets. This is a game for men, and men do what it takes to get the job done.

Pride goeth before the fall,
Mark Dantonio



Dear David Brandon,

I've been going to football games at Michigan Stadium since I was a young boy, so I've been through the lean times and the good times. But I can't say I've ever seen such a sorry stretch of football.  The RichRod years were a disaster, and hiring Brady Hoke has just made things worse. Until things change, you won't be seeing me on Saturday and my donations will go somewhere they make a difference.

Raylon Bedwards


Dear Raylon,

I think you're aware of my policy. I'm going to need you to bring me something from the dictionary for us to continue this conversation.

Yours,
Lloyd Carr


Dear Coach Carr,

My word is "autoclave". An autoclave is a pressure chamber used to sterilize equipment and supplies with high pressure steam.

Raylon


Dear Raylon,

Thank you.  I appreciate your letter, and I've given it a lot of thought.  It sounds to me like you and Michigan football aren't on the same page. If you want a situation where you can be #1, maybe you should transfer your allegiances to someplace more suitable. Central or Eastern would definitely appreciate you, or any other non-Big Ten institution would be acceptable to us. I've attached the transfer paperwork to this email.

Yours,
Lloyd Carr

PS: If you change your mind and commit to sticking it out, I have a group of young men who run the stairs every morning. It's tremendous.



Mr. Brandon,

It has occurred to me the test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function. One should, for example, be able to see that things are hopeless and yet be determined to make them otherwise.  So here's to hoping for bowl eligibility.

Sincerely,
Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald

Mr. Fitzgerald,

I suggest, once again, you quit drinking and go to bed.

Sincerely,
Fritz

H.O Crisler
Football Coach
Board in Control of Physical Education
Ferry Field, Ann Arbor
University of Michigan



Dear Mr. Brandon,

I'm sick and tired of the athletic department rolling out these idiotic schemes and then having to walk everything back when the students and the alumni get wind of them. The noodle, the Coke incident, and the student ticket policy were just foolish.  Getting stuck with playing MSU and OSU on the road every other year is actively detrimental to our success and the athletic department's bottom line. Please be less embarrassing.

Thanks,

James Lindgren


Dear Mr. Lind,

Well, the noodle...I haven't been fully informed about that.  The Coke thing was something from the marketing...their marketing department which we never approved. The student ticket policy, I've been told that they're OK, just an ankle thing, though we don't usually comment on injuries. I don't think we're playing them both on the road every year, just this time. We wouldn't do  that every other year. Anyway, it's all part of big boy football.  I love our kids, we're just going to go out there and compete.

Brady Hoke
It's Michigan fergodsakes!



Mr. Brandon,

I think the time has come that you have to let Brady Hoke go. The mismanagement of the Shane Morris injury is the last straw for me. I would say anything less than 8-4 and you have to fire him anyway, but leaving a kid in there after a shot like Morris took is just unacceptable.

Thanks,
Al Stapleton


Mr. Stapleton,

The first thing you have to understand is that Adreain Payne has a child's lungs. He can't go like some of the other guys, he just gets gassed. And Gary Harris is out there playing on a wooden pirate leg.  Drew Neitzel has alopecia, and that lack of self-confidence really impacts his game.  Goran Suton is from a different galaxy and he's just getting used to Earth's gravity, so you have to be patient with him. Draymond Green, he gives everything he's got on every play, but he's playing with seal flippers sewed to his arm stumps.  What I'm trying to say is we're pretty banged up, and the refs don't give us the calls because we're Michigan State.

Sincerely,
Tom Izzo

PS: Next year I'm dressing up as Jason Bateman in Teen Wolf Too! The kids are going to go nuts!



Mr. Brandon,

After all the price increases and embarrassing incidents, I don't think you have what it takes to be the athletic director at the University of Michigan. Do everyone a favor and quit now, so the university can save the outrageous three million bucks in your buyout.

James Anderson


Dear Mr. Anderson,

I regret to inform you that we cannot answer your recent email. Coach Hayes is already quite incensed that it made it past his spam filter and has destroyed several chairs and a down marker; I suspect your use of "bucks" is what allowed it to slip through. He has had me print it out and burn it, his computer, and our servers, after which the ashes will be couriered to the state line and dumped, as Coach Hayes is loathe to pollute our fair Ohio with such detritus from That School Up North. Please accept this letter as my personal apology.

Yours truly,
Rachel H. Phillips
Executive Secretary to Coach W.W. Hayes, The Ohio State University
GO BUCKS!



Dear Mr. Brandon,

For all of Michigan's marketing of "legacy" and "history", the future which you so claim to love looks bleak and foreboding.  What steps are you taking to bring Michigan back to the pride of the good old days?  I hope you have a plan and a vision, because right now, it's as dark as midnight round here.

Hopeful for the future,
Sherman Williams

Mr. Williams,

Sincerely,
Gordon Berenson


Coach Berenson,

I've renewed my football season tickets and applied for hockey season tickets. I cut the grass, did the laundry, cleaned the house, helped my kids with their homework, paid my bills, balanced my checkbook, did my taxes, and rescued a puppy. I hope this is satisfactory.


Sherman Williams

Curses

I was sound asleep when the call came in early this morning.  I rolled over, fumbled for my phone, and did my best to answer.

"Hello?"

"Hello, Mr. Barker.  I'd like to speak to you about an exciting opportunity."

"It's 12:53 in the morning, who in their right mind thinks this is a good time to...wait, are you from the Michigan Athletic Department?"

"Yes.  For the purposes of this conversation, you may call me 'The Admiral.'"

"OK Admiral, gotta say, the James Earl Jones voice modulator is a nice touch.  Sounds very professional."

"Yes, voice modulator.  No matter.  Mr. Barker, we have an assignment for you and you're the best man for the job.  We need you to solve a Michigan football mystery."

"I can't say that I'm the best man for that job.  Why didn't you guys call Dooley?"

"The truth is Mr. Barker, Mr. Dooley has been sitting in the Towsley Family Museum, looking at the spot where the Little Brown Jug is supposed to be, gently weeping while he reviews a copy of the deed of gift to see if there's a basketball loophole.  When we could get him refocused for a moment, he mentioned you."

"OK, but how did you get my number?"

"Did you really think those Facebook giveaways for tickets were out of the goodness of our hearts?"

"Fair enough.  OK.  So what's the assignment?"

"The truth, Mr. Barker, is that Michigan football is cursed..."

"Well, I mean, it's been a bit of rough sledding, but cursed seems a bit..."

"No, we have a very well written note, in calligraphy and everything, that just says 'Michigan football is cursed.  Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha.    Ha."

"That many ha's?  Really?"

"Yes.  The note says that if we can discover the curse, the means of removing it will be obvious.  We don't want to tell you what to do, but we do know it has "post 11/18/06" scrawled at the bottom.  We think they're trying to narrow your search field."

"OK, I can look into it.  How many possible explanations do you want?"

"Ten is good.  Brady wore 10 here, let's go with ten.  Give us the curse, the background, the record since, the probability, and what we need to do to remove it."

"Where do you want me to send it?"

"Just post it on your blog.  It gives us plausible deniability, because who would believe we're stealing ideas for a Blogger blog without its own domain?"

"That kind of hurts a little bit."

"Sorry, would you like two free tickets to this Saturday's game?"

"I have tickets."

"Two Coke Zeroes then?"

"OK, I have to be up for work in four hours, can I got back to sleep now?"

"Just one more thing, how is your stock of delicious Chobani yogurt?"

"I don't eat yogurt."

"No matter, we're just contractually obligated to ask in any dealings we have online or on the phone.  Good luck Mr. Barker."

So, with my mission charges to me, I set about to discover what, exactly, was cursing Michigan football since that fateful day in November 2006.

Possibility #1. The Curse of President Ford
Background: Michigan alumnus and 1934 Team MVP, President Gerald Ford passed away on December 26, 2006 in Rancho Mirage, California.  Somehow his passing sapped a part of the spirit of Michigan.

Michigan's record since: 52-43
Reasons for this particular nexus point: The 2007 Rose Bowl, The Horror, Dennis Dixon, Chad Henne's numb elbow would all be explained.
Probability: Medium, 4.8/10
While it would be nice to explain the Horror with something supernatural, a 93-year old man passing away doesn't really feel like a curse.
What do we need to do to remove it: Jack Miller needs to go to the top of a staircar on a rainy day and take a tumble to the tarmac.

Possibility #2. The Curse of Little Brother
Background: Down 10 to Michigan State at East Lansing with just over seven minutes left to play, Chad Henne throws a pair of touchdown passes to win 28-24.  Henne will trip on his way out of Spartan Stadium, and then senior captain Mike Hart says: “I was just laughing.  I thought it was funny. They got excited. It's good. Sometimes you get your little brother excited when you're playing basketball and you let him get the lead. Then you come back and take it from him."

Michigan's record since: 44-41
Reasons for this particular nexus point: Michigan, which had won eight straight after starting 0-2 and had a chance to win the Big Ten, lose their next two games to Wisconsin and Ohio State.
Probability: High, 7.20/10
The words of rebuttal to Hart from Mark Dantonio: "I find a lot of the things they do amusing. They need to check themselves sometimes. But just remember, pride comes before the fall..." kind of feels like a curse.  Or a vow of revenge.
What do we need to do to remove it: Win at Spartan Stadium for the first time since that game, call Michigan State our brothers in arms against our common enemy, Ohio State.

Possibility #3. The Curse of Herbie
Background: On December 1, 2007, ESPN College GameDay's Kirk Herbstreit reports that LSU coach Les Miles, following LSU's participation in the SEC Championship game, barring something extraordinary, will be the next coach at the University of Michigan.

Michigan's record since: 44-39
Reasons for this particular nexus point: Well, it might explain why Bill Martin didn't know how to work his new cell phone.
Probability: Moderate, 6.4/10
I still firmly believe that Herbie was reporting what he had been told, and that Miles planned to announce his intentions to come to Ann Arbor after the game.  By announcing it before the game, LSU had time to counter in a big way, which they did.
What do we need to do to remove it: Cut a check.

Possibility #4. The Curse of Tim Tebow
Background: In the 2008 Capital One Bowl, Michigan sends Coach Lloyd Carr off into the sunset, with a 41-35 win over Urban Meyer and Florida.  Michigan becomes the only team to defeat Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow in a bowl game.

Michigan's record since: 43-39
Reasons for this particular nexus point: 3-9, losing to Toledo, losing 42-7 to Ohio State.
Probability: High, 7.6/10
A lot of this is going to depend on your view of the Judeo-Christian tradition, but this isn't our original thesis:

LRT: OF COURSE. Michigan beat Tebow and displeased God. You can't argue with the evidence.
— Hot Take, Esq. (@pheasantpants) October 6, 2014

What do we need to do to remove it: Devin Gardner needs to go before the Monday press availability and speak these exact words after a conference game you lost when you had a field goal blocked:
"To the fans and everybody of MGoNation, I’m sorry. Extremely sorry. We wanted an undefeated season. That was my goal, something Michigan has done a lot. I promise you one thing, a lot of good will come out of this.

You will never see any player in the entire country play as hard as I will play the rest of the season. You will never see another player push his team as hard as I will push everybody the rest of the season. You will never see a team play harder than we will the rest of the season. God bless."

Possibility #5. The Curse of Yost Bleachers
Background: In the spring of 2012, Michigan undertakes a renovation of Yost Ice Arena, which includes replacement of the bleachers that have been there since its conversion to an ice arena in the 1970s.  When removing the bleachers, they unleash the horrifying creature that Don Canham had successfully trapped under the bleachers, kept alive by the garbage dropped under the stands by patrons.

Michigan's record since: 17-15
Reasons for this particular nexus point: Explains the 2012 and 2013 regression and all of 2014.  It also explains why Michigan Hockey has missed the NCAA Tournament for two years in a row after two decades of making it.
Probability: Moderate, 5.0/10
Once you saw what was under the West End Bleachers, you couldn't unsee it.  I will firmly believe that a horrible beast was being imprisoned there.
What do we need to do to remove it: Get a team of hunters to find it, bring Red Berenson to the creature.  Let him glare at it for a solid minute.  Creature will flee to Munn.

Possibility #6. The Curse of Clowney Comin'
Background: During the 2013 Outback Bowl, Taylor Lewan fails to call "Deuce", allows All-America DE Jadeveon Clowney to do this to this to Vincent Smith.

Michigan's record since: 9-11
Reasons for this particular nexus point: Explains the 2013 regression and all of 2014.  It also explains why Michigan offensive players look somewhat uncertain at times, as if they hear the footsteps of Clowney.
Probability: Low, 0.7/10
Honestly, the Clowney hit was just instant karma for the terrible spot that the refs gave Michigan on the previous play.  Or for the terrible uniforms Michigan wore in that game.
What do we need to do to remove it: Make a sizable donation to Tay Odoms/Vincent Smith's H.O.P.E. for Pahokee charity at a game.

Possibility #7. The Curse of the Noodle
Background: On the W.O.W. Friday before Michigan's 2013 season opener against Central Michigan, a large Kraft Macaroni and Cheese noodle is spotted on the grounds of Michigan Stadium, violating the near sacrosanct rule about no advertising at Michigan Stadium.

Michigan's record since: 9-10
Reasons for this particular nexus point: Explains the extreme cheesiness of recent Michigan Athletic Department decisions.
Probability: Low, 1.0/10
I mean, there's a Cadillac at Michigan Stadium this year, but because it has the Michigan wings, it's OK, right?
What do we need to do to remove it: Get a Giant Ramen Noodle.

Possibility #8. The Curse of Old 98
Possibility #9. The Curse of the Chicken Dance
Possibility #10. The Curse of the Skywriters
Background: At Under the Lights II, Michigan enrolls Tom Harmon's Old 98, the last remaining retired number, into the Legends Program and puts it on Devin Gardner.  Michigan wins, but Gardner throws an amazing 0 yard pick six that has to be seen to be believed.  After the victory, the Michigan Stadium PA plays "The Chicken Dance" in reference to Notre Dame ending the series after the 2014 game.  Prior to the start of Michigan's game against Akron, the next week, the Michigan Athletic Department pays skywriters to make Block M's and write "Go Blue" in the sky over Michigan Stadium...and in the sky over Spartan Stadium in East Lansing.  The Athletic Department denies that they paid for the Spartan Stadium skywriters, until they are outed by the skywriters themselves.  Michigan sheepishly admits they spent $3,000-$5,000 for the stunt.

Michigan's record since: 8-10 (for #8), 7-10 (for #9 and #10)
Reasons for this particular nexus point: Michigan has a losing record ever since these events.
Probability: Very High, 9.8/10
Hubris: extreme pride or self-confidence. When it offends the Gods of ancient Greece, it is usually punished.  Hubris is usually perceived as a characteristic of an individual rather than a group, although the group the offender belongs to may suffer consequences from the wrongful act. Hubris often indicates a loss of contact with reality and an overestimation of one's own competence, accomplishments or capabilities, especially when the person exhibiting it is in a position of power.

What do we need to do to remove it: Devin Gardner calls the Harmon family, thanks them for their kindness and courtesy but says that there is but one Old 98 and it is and always should be, Tom Harmon.  Devin Gardner gets Old #12 back on.  At the 50 yard line of Michigan Stadium, the Michigan Athletic Department Game Day Experience staffers take a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken, cover it in shamrocks, and set it ablaze.  Michigan's Athletic Department hires skywriters to write "Molon Labe" over Spartan Stadium during the Ohio State game and then cuts a check for $72,000 for pediatric cancer research to the Love Like Lacey fund, the latter of which isn't a terrible idea anyway.

In the end, I go back to The Bard:
"Men at some time are masters of their fates.
The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars
But in ourselves, that we are underlings."

Let's be humbled by this and humble ourselves.  If we have offended some football higher power, it certainly can't hurt.




(P.S.: In all seriousness, there is one possibility I left off here, November 22, 2009.  If this is what cursed Michigan, then we probably deserve what it is getting for trying to ignore something so serious and then prevaricating to us about it when people tried to raise the issue.)

So Your Program is Doomed?

DOOOOOOOOOOOOMED.

So your [CHOOSE ONE: once-proud / erratically successful / perennial also-ran / perpetual tire fire / Eastern Michigan] football program is struggling this year?

• Yes.  Oh sweet jebus, yes.
• Nope. Not sure why I'm taking this fake survey.

What do you propose to do about it? (CHOOSE ONE)

• Do nothing. ROLL TIDE.
• Do nothing. Mediocrity is an impossible dream.
• Insist "They just need more time!"
• MAKE 'EM RUN STEPS
• Fire a coordinator
• Fire the coach
• Fire the AD
• FIRE EVERYONE
• BURN IT TO THE GROUND AND SALT THE EARTH.

Do you have any coaching candidates in mind? (CHOOSE ONE)

• HAIL SABAN.
• An absurdly over-qualified alumnus who won't bother answering your phone calls
• Pipe-dream hotshot coach who'd be insane to leave behind his current success / low expectations
• Genius coordinator who's never been a head coach
• Up-and-coming mid-major / FCS coach with no big-time experience
• NFL retread
• NFL coordinator with no college experience in the past decade
• NFL position coach
• NFL position coach who flamed out as a college head coach (and may have slapped himself)
• Your current OC/DC on an interim basis
• Some guy who had one good MAC season
• Charlie Weiss

On a scale of Rodriguez at Michigan to Saban at Alabama, how good of a cultural fit is your dream candidate? (CHOOSE ONE)

• Rich Rodriguez / Michigan (2008)
• Charlie Weiss / Kansas (2012)
• Randy Edsall / Maryland (2011)
• Al Golden / Miami (2011)
• Brian Kelly / Notre Dame (2010)
• Brady Hoke / Michigan (2011)
• Chip Kelly / Oregon (2009)
• Nick Saban / Alabama (2007)

What is making you so angry? (Check all that apply)

• Lost to a rival
• Lost to most-hated rival
• Lost to a perpetual tomato-can
• Can't recruit
• Team is hemorrhaging players
• Fans treated like walking checkbook
• Insolvent athletic department
• NCAA violations
• Players put in danger
• Felonies
• Covering up felonies
• Oversigning
• PEOPLE KEEP TALKIN' BOUT THIS OVERSIGNIN', PAAAAAAWWWLLLL, BUT THEY JUS' JEALOUS!

Would you still be this angry if your team was winning? (CHOOSE ONE)

• No, obviously not, because *something* would be going better.
• No, because winning is the only thing that matters
• No, because my team is perfectly OK except they're terrible.
• Yes, because I am lying.
• Yes, because I don't like football.
• Yes, because I am an incendiary rage-bot. SOMETHING is going to set me off.

What kind of doomed is your program?

• EMU: As DOOMED as DOOMED can be. 
• Toledo: Once in a while we can win the MAC and get our coach a better job.
• Purdue: The Cure as a football team.  
• Indiana: Our greatest teams have the ability to beat almost anyone on any down, so they most often beat themselves. Otherwise a conference doormat. 
• Illinois: Once in a generation Rose Bowl, but usually Zooked. 
• Iowa: Real success every four years; otherwise losing to Iowa State. 
• Pitt: Crushing mediocrity with no hope is the norm forever, despite national championships not that long ago.
• Clemson: Perennial success, but never on a national title scale. See: Wisconsin.
• Notre Dame: We're living in the past, so the present is disappointing even when we're good.
• Texas: We have every advantage possible and are somehow terrible and in the middle of a gut-wrenching transition. See: Florida, Michigan (Michigan bonus: In our darkest hour, we hope to be Notre Dame.)
• Ohio State: Not quite a national title contender this year, but always a threat to win our league. See: Oklahoma
• Michigan State: Suddenly we're the pre-eminent program in our state for the first time in 50 years. Not anyone's default pick for a national championship team, but we have legitimate hope. See: Texas A&M, Stanford.
• Oregon: We don't really have a history, but we don't care because GOT MONEY and are successful now. We watched the first half of a video on the Miami Hurricanes, so we know this never changes!
• Alabama: Whether or not you choose to recognize it, we won every national championship since 1892. ROLL TIDE.

Get a Life!

Start with "Rodriguez says some college football fans need to get a perspective on life"

Mix with this...

And you get...below the jump.

(Addendum: 12:00 PM Wednesday: I just want to point out. In the wake of Brian's post about this topic at MGoBlog, I am well aware of the full context of Rodriguez's statements and this is more about the overblown reaction (and maybe poking a bit of fun at myself, as I am both a fan of Star Trek and Michigan football) than it is thinking that Coach Rod did something wrong. Thank you.)

[ open on an exterior shot of the "Laurel Manor" with a sign reading "Welcome Michigan Fans." ]

[ dissolve inside ]

[ A sign on the wall reads "82nd Annual Michigan Football Bust -- 2008" ]

Mgoblue1997: FireDrewSharp! Check this out!

FireDrewSharp: [ wearing "Worst State Ever" t-shirt ] Oh, outstanding, man!

Mgoblue1997: Original 1998 team photo, right before they added Henson!

FireDrewSharp: Oh, how much was it?

Mgoblue1997: Sixty dollars!

FireDrewSharp: Ohhh.... They got any left?

Carl Grapertine [over loudspeaker:] Attention Michigan fans, now available in the Kipke Room... copies of Gary Moeller's single record, "Any Tie is a Good Tie." Right now, in the Kipke Room.

Victor Valiant: [ making the Michigan "Hail" pump ] Hey guys!

FireDrewSharp & Mgoblue1997: Hey Victor Valiant!

Victor Valiant: How you guys doing on the trivia quiz?

FireDrewSharp: Awesome, you... hey, you got Yost's middle name?

Victor Valiant: [ smugly ] Harris!

FireDrewSharp: Bennie Oosterbaan's career winning percentage?

Victor Valiant: .630!

[ FireDrewSharp and Mgoblue1997 snicker knowingly to each other. ]

Victor Valiant: What? Am I wrong? Am I wrong?

[ more snickers ]

Bill Martin: Attention! Attention! Hello everybody! Welcome to the 82nd Annual Michigan Football Bust... Well! ...here in Livonia, Michigan. A few announcements.... Ah... first... ah... a wonderful new... ah... item has just been added to the M Den. It's a program from the 1975 season!

Michigan Fans: Oooo! Ahhh!

Bill Martin: Yeah! It's a very special item, I'm sure you'll enjoy it, and it's ONLY... thirty dollars.

Secondly, we have some exciting guests at the Bust today, so let me introduce them to you right now. First, we have the amazing safety Marcus Ray. Now you all remember him as the guy who played in the backfield in 1997 with Charles Woodson ... before he played for the Scottish Claymores of the World League.

And next up is Ryan Mundy, the former Michigan defensive back who transferred to West Virginia, and ah... I understand life with the Mountaineers *was* somewhat turbulent... kinda like living with a Buckeye!

Michigan Fans: [ knowing laughter ]

Bill Martin: Yeah! Well you'll all be able to meet Ryan in the Bump Elliot Wing where he'll be signing copies of his new book, "Yards After Mundy"!

And finally, the man you've all been waiting for, this is his first Michigan Football Bust, I know he's thrilled to be here, the head football coach of the University of Michigan himself, RICH RODRIGUEZ! [ Rodriguez walks to the podium. ] Now Rich's here to field a few questions so just fire away!

Michigan Fans: Coach Rodriguez! Coach Rodriguez!

Rich Rodriguez: Alright, the first question, uh, go ahead!

FireDrewSharp: Yeah! Okay, um, when you were gonna have Sheridan pass, okay, for the last time during the Northwestern game? I was wondering, like um, w-w-what was going on with the offense in that particular....

Rich Rodriguez: Uh... the Northwestern game?

FireDrewSharp: Yeah!

Rich Rodriguez: Um... you gotta give me a score and situation, see, cause it's 20 days and it's a long time... a down and distance... uh....

FireDrewSharp: Yeah, the Northwestern game, that's where it was like 30 degrees and you had a lead at the half and you let Northwestern score 14 unanswered points to win the game?

Rich Rodriguez: [ scowling ] Oh oh, yeah right, I remember, okay uh... what's the question?

FireDrewSharp: Well um, I was wondering if you could settle a bet for me and my friends, okay? Um, like, when you... um, called for the pass for the last play? And you rolled Sheridan out to the right? Um... who was his hot read?

Rich Rodriguez: [ lengthy pause, incredulous expression ] I-I-I don't know! I mean, it's been a long time! I, uh... I don't know that! Uh, okay?

FireDrewSharp: [ disappointed ] Okay! Okay!

Rich Rodriguez: Anybody? Oh, all right, go ahead! You? Go ahead! You in the funny shirt!

Victor Valiant: [ wearing Rodriguez style adidas polo] Okay! Another bet... okay... on your 2009 recruiting class... alright? How many total firm recruits do you have?

Rich Rodriguez: Uh... 21.

Victor Valiant: Wait, wait... is that including the kicker that was committed late last week?

Rich Rodriguez: [ stunned pause ] That kicker committed officially?

Victor Valiant: Friday!

Rich Rodriguez: Well I... guess it's 22 then!

Victor Valiant: ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! [ congratulated by his friends ]

Rich Rodriguez: You know, before I answer any more questions there's something I wanted to say. Having received all your emails over the years , and I've read your message board posts, and some of you have traveled... y'know... hundreds of miles to be here, I'd just like to say... GET A LIFE, will you people? I mean, for crying out loud, it's just a college football team! I mean, look at you, look at the way you're dressed! You've turned an enjoyable little job, that I did as a lark for a few years, into a COLOSSAL WASTE OF TIME!

[ a crowd of shocked and dismayed Michigan Fans.... ]

I mean, how old are you people? What have you done with yourselves?

[ to "Mgoblue1997" ] You, you must be almost 30... have you ever kissed a girl?

[ "Mgoblue1997" hangs his head ]

I didn't think so! There's a whole world out there! When I was your age, I didn't watch college football! I PLAYED IT! So... move out of your parent's basements! And get your own apartments and GROW THE HELL UP! I mean, it's just a football team dammit, IT'S JUST A FOOTBALL TEAM!

FireDrewSharp: Are- are you saying then that we should pay more attention to the recruiting trail?

Rich Rodriguez: NO!!! THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M SAYING AT ALL!!! HEY, YOU GUYS ARE... THE LAMEST BUNCH... I'VE NEVER SEEN... [ walks away from podium ] I can't believe these people... I mean, I really can't understand what's....

[ Bill Martin argues with Rodriguez off-mike, shoves him, Rodriguez shoves back harder.... ]

Carl Grapertine: Uh... that was Rich Rodriguez, ladies and gentlemen. Uh, I'd like to remind you Michigan fans that we have some fine refreshments from all over the Big Ten... Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, 7-Up, Orange Crush, I believe. We....

[ Meanwhile, Bill Martin waves the contract in front of Rodriguez, who then reluctantly returns to the podium.... ]

Rich Rodriguez: Of course, that speech was a "re-creation" of the "Angry Coach Rod" from um..., um... [ Bill Martin whispers ] my final game as West Virginia coach... uhh... called... [ another whisper ] "The Pitt Game."

[ Michigan Fans get happy, applaud ]

Rich Rodriguez: Yuh, Yuh, so thank you... and, and... Hail to the Victors...

[ Michigan Fans make "Hail" arm pump.... ]

Rich Rodriguez: So everybody... cheer them again, cause... THIS TEAM'S AHEAD AND WE'RE GONNA WIN THE BIG TEN, Y'KNOW? RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! THE BIG TEN!

[ fade out ]

(The scariest part of this: I thought it would take three hours to pull off. With find/replace, twelve minutes.)

Coach Carr for Governor

As some of you may have seen, George Perles, the one-time Michigan State football coach and athletic director and current member of the MSU Board of Trustees, is considering a run for governor in 2010. We here at the Hoover Street Rag applaud this, largely because it got us thinking.

There is but one man who can lead the State of Michigan out of its current morass and into a cycle of perpetually solid, if unspectacular, years. That man is none other than former Michigan football coach Lloyd Carr. Coach Carr has the managerial and executive experience, the background in civics (he was a high school history teacher after all) and is generally well liked still around the state. Below the jump, some of the highlights we could expect to see from a Carr administration.

No more "you'll be blown away", all State of the State addresses would report that the state of Michigan is "tremendous".

Vocabulary of state officials would be increased thanks to Governor Carr's unabridged dictionary outside the door of the governor's office policy.

Governor Carr schedules one of his first meetings with the press with Maureen Dowd.

Press conferences become testy when WXYZ-TV hires Todd Harris to become its Lansing bureau chief.

LaMarr Woodley offered command of Michigan National Guard.

Mike Hart named director of the Family Independence Agency.

Charles Woodson considered so valuable to the Michigan government, he is compelled to work for the executive, legislative, and judicial branches without regard for the constitutional issues this raises.

This is all we had, but please feel free to add your own in the comments below.

Stuff Maize and Blue People Like

Don’t borrow, steal: a football offseason requires desperate measures, and in a pinch we’ll be happy to do the pinching. In conjunction with Every Day Should Be Saturday, we present our entry in the running series: Stuff _____ People Like, based on the painfully accurate Stuff White People Like. You can find the take from Orson et al here.

Not Losing
Illinois in '99. Purdue in 2000. Minnesota in '05. Everyone remembers the epic, agonizing defeats and rivalry games, but Maize and Blue people can't even let go of the mundane ones. We hate losing. At every point in a Michigan blowout victory, there's a point where we say a quiet prayer of thanks that the team probably won't spectacularly blow this one. We expect to win everything, and it just seems embarrassing when that doesn't come to pass.

Dead Silence
Since the late '80's, the only thing I've heard my dad say inside the Big House was when he grumbled something about "catch the goddamn ball, for chrissakes" during this year's Ohio State game. Sometimes older fans manage to clap, but this is rare. Maize and Blue people over the age of 35 prefer to sit in total silence, gritting their teeth as they prepare for the team to let them down again, because the team has something against them, personally. Maize and Blue people have a shockingly high incidence of early strokes.

Jingling Our Keys
Michigan fans are now instructed by the scoreboard to pull out their keys and wave them around on third down when the team is on defense so as to create noise on this key play. Nothing says "intimidation" quite like the sound 23,357 rustling keys drifting over the football field like far-away sleigh bells.

Activism
It wouldn't be Ann Arbor if someone wasn't complaining about something. The LGBTers are complaining about Quickie Burger's busty sign, SOLE is organizing another endless teach-in about sweatshop labor, BAMN is trying to roll back the ban on affirmative action, and somebody else is yelling about Palestine, the Iraq war, Afghanistan, the Afghan Whigs, Afghans, Afghans, and Afghanistanis with AIDS. In the last decade, the University fought two major affirmative action cases (Gratz and Grutter) all the way to the Supreme Court, winning a victory for the Law School's admissions policy and quietly sweeping the points system employed by the College of Literature, Science & the Arts under the table. The 5.6% of enrollees in the 2007 freshmen class who are African American blend with the suburban white kids from Chicago, the suburban white kids from New York, and the Asian kids from all over in the rich tapestry of student life.

Tradition
If there's one thing Maize and Blue people prize above all else, it's Tradition. The varsity football team played its first game in 1879, Fielding Yost came to town in 1901, and Michigan Stadium hosted its first game in 1927. Maize and Blue people will ramble on about their "13 national championships", even though only one of them came after 1948 and it was a split title. Traditions include: Winged helmets, no in-stadium advertising, touching the GO BLUE banner, anything Bo Schembechler ever said, "The Victors", calling "The Victors" "Hail to the Victors", winning the Big Ten, losing the Rose Bowl, Ron Kramer, having an offense that's a decade past its expiration date, and pretending that beating Minnesota is worth a trophy. Losing to Ohio State at the end of the season is a relatively recent innovation and is not yet a tradition. However, if you told Maize and Blue people that the Wolverines and the Michigan State Normal School had fought over a chamber pot in their 1896 game, Maize and Blue people would immediately adopt their series with Eastern Michigan as a traditional rivalry (All-time record: Michigan 8, Eastern 0).

Jimmy John's
If you find yourself in Ann Arbor on Central Campus, you can walk to the Jimmy John's on South University, the one on State St, the one at Packard and Hill, the one on Anne, or take the bus to the one up on Plymouth Rd near North Campus, because God forbid you should be more than 7 minutes away from Free Smells! and Subs So Fast You'll Freak. Jimmy John's has managed to join Borders as the rare chain embraced by Ann Arbor, which both have done by pretending to be anything but the corporate entity they are. Maize and Blue people can tell you exactly which sandwich is their favorite by number and will then have absolutely no idea what is on said sandwich when asked.

The East Coast
The first thing a Michigan graduate does upon receiving his/her diploma is flee the state. The prospect of a pillowy soft job in the auto industry used to be enough to persuade some Maize and Blue people to cancel their plans of moving to/back to the East Coast, but its collapse has freed everyone to follow their dreams of sharing a closet-sized Williamsburg apartment with seven hipster douchebags. Getting shot "back East" in DC is much more glamorous than getting shot in Detroit.

Being Better Than You
Maize and Blue people like to tell everyone that they went to Michigan. Except for the ones who didn't go to Michigan, and there are a lot of them. But the Maize and Blue people who did will find ways to remind you constantly that they went to Michigan, and that it was hard. Really hard. It was hard to get into, and it was hard work while they were there, and the reward for that is telling anyone and everyone who will listen (and even those who won't) how much better a human being they are because they went to Michigan. They will use this to look down on and/or mock your school, its alumni, its fanbase, and its athletes. If you bring up anything unpleasant, such as facts, they will switch to the "Everyone does it" defense and change the subject to what awful thugs those Buckeyes are.

Tom Brady After He Won the Super Bowl
Maize and Blue people swell with pride when it comes to talking about the most successful NFL skill position player ever to come out of Michigan, New England Patriots quarterback/dreamboat/celebrity baby daddy Tom Brady. They will fondly recall, often with a small tear, the '99 team that would've won a championship if not for Evil Drew Henson, Brady's four TDs in the 2000 Orange Bowl, and their disappointment when he fell to the sixth round of the NFL Draft. What they will fail to mention is that a majority of fans were openly rooting for Henson to be named the starter during both the 1998 and 1999 seasons, and that the Orange Bowl victory only came on a blown extra point by Alabama in overtime, and that they were surprised when he was even selected in the Draft. But those are just pesky details that get in the way of a fine story. And Maize and Blue people hate when that happens.

John Cooper
Maize and Blue people are a little ashamed to admit this, but they probably like John Cooper a little more than the like Lloyd Carr. The reasoning is simple: Lloyd was like your dad; you saw him every day, he was a good hard-working guy, and while he'd slip up occasionally, you still were proud that he was your dad. But John Cooper was like your uncle by marriage who you only saw at Thanksgiving, and every year when he came over he brought you a new toy. Not just like a new board game, no, he'd buy you the brand new Sega Genesis, or one year, a Wii when nobody else could find one. Sure, you love your dad, but your uncle is bribing you with gifts your dad would never give you (even if you knew your dad was probably chipping in to help your uncle buy it). Then, a few years ago, your aunt left him for a heartless bastard who came to Thanksgiving and kicked you in the groin when you answered the door and spent the rest of Thanksgiving hectoring your dad until you went to your room and cried yourself to sleep. So, you really can't blame Maize and Blue people for loving John Cooper. He was a gravy train that was derailed too soon.

Homework
As a school with a high population of overachievers, Maize and Blue people take their fun seriously. We come prepared with a set of talking points on all the subjects we think are going to come up. If there is a set of questions, we will answer them in numerical order while consulting the notes we took on the subject. If there's video, someone will break it down and twelve people will write about it.

The Color "Maize"
It's Maize and Blue. Maize. Yes, like corn. We're going to have to insist on this one. Yes, the alma mater is "The Yellow & Blue". No, we don't know how that one happened. Besides, nobody knows any of the words to that one but the "HAIL!" in the middle. One more time: Maize. Maize.

Hockey
As Maize and Blue people move from the disappointment that is inevitable in the Big Ten football season, they have a choice on how to get through the long, depressing winters in Michigan. They can spend their days in the morgue known as Crisler Arena, watching the basketball team flail its way through another season, reminded of what once was, but is mostly erased from the record books, or they can make their way over to Yost Ice Arena (Yes, the hockey and basketball teams both play in arenas named for football coaches) and watch Michigan's hockey team, where they can spend their winter watching the team look amazing at times, then look disinterested against a lesser opponent, take a mind-boggling loss, and inevitably blow it in the post-season. So Maize and Blue people choose hockey. To most of them, it feels like home. Except for some reason, the people in the stands are surly, profane, and loud. And sometimes there's Frankenberry.

Michigan State
Winston Smith may have ended up loving Big Brother, but Maize and Blue people love Little Brother. No other fanbase has such an inferiority complex when it comes to Michigan, and it's always so easy to push their buttons. They try to get us to care about how good they are at basketball, but it's hard to pay attention when we've beaten them six times in a row in the sport we care about. Sometimes it's a savage beating, sometimes a last-second kick in the groin, but it always leaves them wallowing in petulant agony. It's unpleasant for a whole year when they actually do win (usually by cheating), but mostly it's John L. Smith slapping himself and Bobby Williams not knowing whether he's lost his team. And when they call us "scUM" on their message boards, it's just too adorable.

Wine & Cheese
It's a stereotype for a reason. The closer you get to the stadium, the more likely you are to see a luxury SUV with the tailgate up, shading a dainty little cheese platter sitting on the table next to a moderately-priced pinot noir and a 64-year-old man snoozing in a folding chair. His kids (who went to Calvin and Adrian) are cleaning out the microbrews in the cooler before moving on to the Labatt they bought at the Blue Front as a backup.

House Parties
With the stadium under a mile from the student ghetto south of Central Campus, students at Michigan don't tailgate. Tailgates are for old people who drove in from somewhere like Grand Rapids or Troy. But every house on Division or State or Hill is having a party with a beer pong table on the front lawn. All of them will play "99 Problems", and the frat with the beach volleyball court will play "Block Rockin' Beats" at 10:30 like clockwork, because it's still 1997.

Big Ten Burrito
SEC Burrito may be quicker, but Maize and Blue people love Big Ten Burrito. The Big Ten Conference sued its tortilla-based namesake and forced a name change in 2007. As such, the franchise is now officially known as the redundant "BTB Burrito". "Committee on Institutional Cooperation Burrito" didn't have the same ring to it, and may have provoked another lawsuit.

Zingerman's
The venerable local deli pioneered the $14 artisan sandwich in the '80's. There is no actual Zingerman; founders Paul Saginaw and Ari Weinzweig just wanted a name more Jewish than "Saginaw" and less so than "Weinzweig"*. Students don't actually eat there unless their parents are in town, but once they become alumni, Maize and Blue people wax nostalgic about $8.97 for soup.

*--(I swear I saw this in a Daily article that I can't find at the moment)

Rent
Living in a house in Ann Arbor gives you two options: Pay a reasonable monthly rent and live in absolute squalor, or pay roughly the equivalent of a down payment on a new house to live somewhere suitable. There is a third variable -- distance -- which factors in with this simple formula:

Do you pay less than $500 a month for your room?
AND
Do you live within a 10-minute walk from campus?
IF YES:
You're lying
OR
The ceiling of your kitchen is rotting through and it's going to start raining bathroom floor tiles soon.

Leases are signed ten months before you move in, and few students know enough about their legal rights to pursue shady landlords. On the other hand, some students treat their houses in such a way that not getting their security deposit back is considered a good deal.

Free Beer At Parties
A vastly underrated aspect of Maize & Blue people's night life comes with this open-arms attitude: You will never be asked to pony up that $5 for a cup. Instead, you are expected to pay it forward, and continue the tradition when you live in a house. If you do charge for cups, you are a pretentious jerk, and next time you can expect people to click "not attending" on Facebook. There is no cynical drawback or punch line to this one. This unspoken rule really is that great.

Ignoring Traffic Laws
Maize and Blue people's sense of entitlement extends to the roads they walk across. That crosswalk signal? That's for grandparents and blind people. (Seriously. The signals make a little pinging noise.) To show your true Maize & Blue pride, simply step out in front of that Subaru Outback knowing that nobody will hit a pedestrian. Intersections are below them. The shortest distance between two points is the straight line they're walking, no matter what obstacles are in the way. Or might be in the way at their current 30mph trajectory. Despite this, drivers who fail to reciprocate with impossibly quick reflexes, patience, or tolerance aren't above a honk or crude finger from time to time. But come on. You're driving in front of two dorms between classes. What the hell did you think would happen?

Talking About Things That Aren't Appalachian State
Yeah.

The Blame Game

Saturday was a debacle, and I think there's a lot of blame to go around. Some of it is ours, some of it goes elsewhere, but we have to find out who's responsible so that we can go about correcting the problems. Here are a few reasons why we think Black Saturday happened.

Geoff:

• New Mix CD Sucks
  Fiona Apple? What was I thinking? IT'S DIVISION 1 FOOTBALL, it demands something stronger than that. And you can tell I gave up entirely on track ordering after "Hounds of Love".

• New Season T-Shirt Possessed By The Devil
  I should've stuck with last year's "DOWN IN FRONT IS NOT A CHEER" shirt from the M Zone. Instead I bought this season's shirt at the M Den before kickoff. Maybe I should make some sort of burnt offering of it to appease the football gods.

• Hailey Lafontaine
  Les Miles said it best: "Never...and I mean never...have I seen such a thoroughly mediocre and pisspoor performance by a child in all aspects of her life as in Hayley Lafontaine." She's dragging our program down just by existing, and this honesty and passion are why Les Miles should coach Michigan football and win eleventy-two champeenships for us.

• The Earth
  Stupid Earth, going around the sun that extra time. We were fine up until November 18 of last year, but then the Earth must've passed through some weird radiation field that renders all attempts by Michigan to play defense entirely useless.

• The Iraq

  I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some, uh... people out there in our nation don't have maps, and, uh, I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq everywhere like, such as and... I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., err, uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future for our
  – Appalachian State student/Miss Teen South Carolina Lauren Caitlin Upton

  To steal from Lewis Black, that's the kind of sentence that when you hear it, your brain comes to a screeching halt. And the left hand side of the brain looks at the right hand side and goes, "It's dark in here, and we may die." Don't! Don't think about that response for more than three minutes, or blood'll shoot out your nose. I think too many members of the football team spent too long trying to make sense of that and then all of a sudden it was the third quarter and they'd just come to.

• Jerry Falwell
  Somehow, in time, I'm going to figure out a way to blame this on Jerry Falwell. Until then I will lean on Sports Night references like a crutch.

Craig:

• The New Ride
  For the first time in my life, I am driving a car that is not yellow or blue. I decided in April to go with a Black Mercury Milan instead of a navy one after nine years of loyal service from the Nautic Blue Volvo S70.

• Hats Off
  Last season, I wore my Tigers home cap to every game. This year, I switched to my Michigan football hat with the side view of the winged helmet, forgetting that was my headgear of choice in 2005.

• Damn You, Jim Harbaugh
  While I have several Michigan jerseys, including a pair of home #7s, old and new road #7s, a Tom Brady 2000 Orange Bowl replica (which it turns out should be a white and is a blue, but still looks good), and sewn, unlabeled #4. I wore the #4 last year, but did not want to wear it this year due to the summer of discontent.

• Alumni Showdowns
  Michigan is 1-3 since I started writing the alumni showdown feature with the win coming against Indiana. So that's done.

• Nike
  I should have worn the adidas shoes to the game to appease our new corporate overlords. Instead, it was the Nikes.