Walk the #M00N

GIF via EDSBS's Erase This Game.

Oh won’t you take a sack
Make it 4th and 23
I said “Stuff my tailback”
She said “Shut up and punt with me”
Turnovers are my destiny
She said “Oooooh, shut up and punt with me”

We were victims of the night
The end zone is our kryptonite
Helpless tries to pass and fading routes
Oh we were bound to fail together
Bound to fail together

He took the snap, I don’t know how it happened
He hit the ground and she said

Why can’t you hit the gap
Get stuffed for a loss of three
I said “You’re holding my defensive back”
She said “Shut up and punt with me”
A touchback is my destiny
She said “Oooooh, shut up and punt with me”

A bottled-up run and some failed sneaks
Downfield completion is my third-down dream
I felt the ball hit my chest since he threw to me
I knew we wouldn’t hit the ground together
Go out of bounds together

He took the snap, I don’t know how it happened
He hit the ground and she said

We’re going to march backwards
We’re too close to scoring three
I said “You’ll lose thirty yards”
She said “Shut up and punt with me”
Five and seven is my destiny
She said “Oooooh, shut up and punt with me”

Overtime, can’t let it be the future
I realize this is my last chance
He took the snap, I don’t know how it happened
He hit the ground and she said

Oh don’t you scratch your back
Forget this game could ever be
Please don’t happen again
She said “shut up and punt with me”
A new coach is my destiny
She said “Oooooh, shut up and punt with me”
Don’t you dare look back
It’s now 2015
Forget about last year
She said “shut up and punt with me”
Jim Harbaugh is my destiny
She said “Oooooh, shut up and punt with me”
”Oooooh, shut up and punt with me”
”Oooooh, shut up and punt with me”

Regulate, by Gordon Gee f. Frank Dogg

Gordon Gee and Frank Dogg will regulate higher eduction in Ohio and the final resting place of your soul.

[Gee:]
Regulators
We regulate any stealing on the Olentangy
And we damn good too
But you can't be any geek off the street,
Gotta be handy with the football if you know what I mean, earn your keep!
REGULATORS!!! MOUNT UP!

[Gee:]
It was a dark gray night, a scarlet moon
Gordon Gee was on the streets, trying to consume
Diet Dr. Pepper for the eve, so I can get some funk
Just rollin' in my ride, chillin' with Urban

[Frank:]
Just hit the Eastside of the B-1-G
On a mission trying to find Mr. Gordon Gee.
Seen a car full of girls, promised not to score
All you nuns know what's up in the 614

[Gee:]
So I hooks a left on the 5th and Summit
Some brothas fillin' paperwork so I said "Let's do it"
I jumped out the ride, and said "What's up?"
Emmert made some allegations so I said "I'm stuck."

[Frank:]
Since these girls peepin' me I'ma wash their feet
Social justice for the poor would keep them off the street
Turn their lives around like nabbing a pick-six
Then I see my homies and some suckers all in their mix

[Gee:]
I'm gettin jacked, I'm breakin' myself
I can't believe they taking Gordon's wealth
They vacated my rings, they vacated my Rolex
I looked at Urban and said damn, what's next?

[Frank:]
They got my homies hemmed up and they all around
Ain't none of them seeing if they going straight pound for pound
I gotta come up real quick before they start to clown
I best pull off my hat and lay them busters down

[Gee:]
NCAA's got guns to my head
I think I'm going down
I can't believe this happenin' in my own town
SEC speed would let me fly
But twelve and oh won't let me pull rank
Then I glanced in the cut and I see my homey Frank

[Frank:]
Sixteen rosaries in the clip to help my clientele
Frank Dogg is about to send some demons back to hell
Now they droppin' and writhin'
It's a tad bit late
Frank Dogg and Gordon Gee had to regulate

I laid all them devils down
I let God's love explode
Now I'm switching my mind back into virtue mode
If you want to help the poor sit back and observe
I just left a gang of those over there on the curb

[Gee:]
Now Frank can't be trusted and that's a known fact
All of them Papists are on the wrong track
But that's OK, back up cause it's on
F R A N K and me
The Gordon to the Gee

[Frank:]
Just like I thought they were in the same spot in need of some desperate help
The Frank Dogg and the Gee-child were in need of something else
One of them dames was desparate to flow, she said "O-H" and Urban said "I-O."
She said "my car's broke down and you seem real nice, would ya help me get to go?"
Popemobile's full of girls and it's going real swell, the next stop is Gee's house on North Drexel

[Gee:]
I'm tweaking B-1-G into a whole new era
Gee-Funk, step to this, I dare ya
Funk on a presidential level

[Frank:]
64K for bow ties cause the ties are worth the trouble

[Gee:]
Ties
Suspenders
We brings
Spectacles
Gee-Funk
Where argyle is socks
And socks are argyle

[Frank:]
If you know like I know
You don't wanna step to this
It's the Gee-Funk era
Funked out with a papal twist
If you burn incense like I burn
Then you high like everyday
We're the Knights of Columbus
614 will regulate

Thanks to Craig, Michael Davies, and others for suggesting particular couplets.

Stauskas: A Romance of Many Dimensions

Chapter 16. How the Stranger Vainly Endeavoured to Reveal to Me in Words the Mysteries of Spaceland

From dreams I proceed to facts.

It was the last day of the first month of the 2013th year of our era. The patterning of the rain had long ago announced nightfall; and I was sitting in the company of my wife, musing on the events of the past and the prospects of the coming months, the coming year, the coming Tournament.

Straightway I became conscious of a Presence in the arena, and a chilling breath thrilled through my very being. Looking around in every direction I could see nothing; yet still I FELT a Presence, and shivered as the cold whisper came again. I started up. There was nothing; and I resumed my seat, again exclaiming, "The boy is a fool, I say; a Two-Point Shot can have no meaning in Basketball." At once there came a distinctly audible reply, "The boy is not a fool; and a Two-Point Shot has an obvious Basketball meaning."

Desperate with fear, I rushed forward to the Stranger with an unceremonious, "You must permit me, Sir—" and felt him. There was not the trace of an angle, not the slightest roughness or inequality: never in my life had I met with a more perfect Circle. He remained motionless while I walked around him, beginning from his eye and returning to it again. Circular he was throughout, a perfectly satisfactory Circle; there could not be a doubt of it. Then followed a dialogue, which I will endeavour to set down as near as I can recollect it, omitting only some of my profuse apologies—for I was covered with shame and humiliation that I, a Square, should have been guilty of the impertinence of feeling a Circle. It was commenced by the Stranger with some impatience at the lengthiness of my introductory process.

Stranger: Have you felt me enough by this time? Are you not introduced to me yet?

I: Sir, excuse my awkwardness, which arises not from ignorance, but from a little surprise and nervousness. Would my Lordship deign to satisfy the curiosity of one who would gladly know whence his Visitor came?

Stranger: From Space, from Space, Sir: whence else?

I: Pardon me, my Lord, but is not your Lordship already in Space, your Lordship and his humble servant, even at this moment?

Stranger: Pooh! What do you know of Space? Define Space.

I: Space, my Lord, is the ability to make Three-Point Shots, infinitely prolonged.

Stranger: Exactly: you see you do not even know what Space is. You think it is of One Dimension only; but I have come to announce to you More: three-point shots, backdoor cuts, assists, and stout defense.

Via MGoBlog, Obviously.

Hoover Street Rag's Top 25 Or So: But We're Using Our Whole Ass

It’s time for a new installment of Hoover Street Rag’s college football rankings. As always, the teams are ranked according to the logic and values of Tom Scocca's weekly Deadspin column, no matter how bizarre or contradictory they may be. We’re making this quick, after a brief pause to wonder how Scocca's writing could decline so quickly after he left Slate.

1. Alaska (0-0)

Undefeated in football, as they are every year.

2. Indiana (3-5)

Some people consider the most horrifying thing about the Big Ten this year is the fact that Indiana still controls its own destiny for a trip to the Rose Bowl. Those people forget the more horrifying thing that makes this possible.

3. McMaster (8-0)

As the highest-ranked team in Canadian Interuniversity Sport football, McMaster is in the driver's seat to win college football's only truly legitimate national championship, provided they can pass through four rounds of playoffs. Canada: it's like a whole other country up there.

4. North Dakota State (7-1)

Similarly, NDSU is back in the driver's seat to defend their national championship, as a loss by Eastern Washington and a 3OT squeaker by Georgia Southern jumped them back to #1 in The Sports Network FCS poll.

5. OHIO! (8-1)

They may not control their own destiny in the MAC East, but they produced a legendary GIF on Thursday, and, in the long run, that's far more important.

6. David Roher

Proved it's still possible to write a decent article on Deadspin. Come back, Katie!

7. [vacant]

The state of mind I tried to reach before writing this post.

HOCKEYBEAR's Guide to Campus Destruction IV: University of Phoenix

Let no one say that HOCKEYBEAR is not a supporter of non-traditional education, especially since I have a non-traditional education myself. You small humans may know that the traditional education for terrestrial polar bears is very basic -- essentially just swimming lessons and a reminder to cover your nose while stalking prey. For space polar bears, the level of education is more advanced. We need to cover Bernoulli's principle and other basics of fluid mechanics, flight school and aerodynamics, and, or course, hockey. HOCKEYBEAR's education is non-traditional because I have obtained several advanced degrees in order to gain the knowledge necessary to have a successful career in epic destruction. I have Ph.D.s in aerospace engineering, optics (for laser hockey stick building), civil engineering (to know the weak points of structures that need to be destroyed) and vulcanology. I also have numerous honorary degrees; I am most proud of the day when UAF granted me an honorary MFA -- MASTER OF FRAKKIN' AWESOMENESS.

Despite HOCKEYBEAR's overwhelming support for education, both traditional and non-traditional, I am ENRAGED by many of the schools that provide non-traditional education in the United States. While I think there is nothing wrong with wanting to have a comfortable career in teaching, HOCKEYBEAR thinks for-profit education always goes wrong for a simple reason. The sort of human who decides to start a business on the model that "People don't know things they need to know. I want to make millions of dollars off of that" is a jerk. And, because that human is a jerk, he/she will decide to do other things like instruct recruiters to mislead potential students about the costs and benefits of attending his/her school, maintain extremely low graduation rates, extract millions of dollars in loans that eventually default from the federal government, and cheat on standardized tests.

Why wait for Superman when HOCKEYBEAR's already here?

The problem with destroying for-profit universities is that they open numerous campuses across the country, and so HOCKEYBEAR's methods for destroying traditional campuses would result in far too much collateral damage. However, their destruction is required, so HOCKEYBEAR will have to get creative. University of Phoenix, prepare to meet you're doom!

It's Always Denard Time...

[Author's note: I regret nothing!]

Denard Time

Woah-oh-oh-oh

It's always Denard time

Woah-oh-oh-oh

It's always Denard time

Rolled out to right side of the line

Doesn't matter that the situation is third and nine.

Hands up if you're open for a first down tonight,

Cuz It's always Denard time.

Threw off my back foot like I didn't care

Lost a shoe, still couldn't tackle me anywhere

I'm in if you need a touchdown tonight

Cuz It's always Denard time

Good morning and good night

I do my best work Under the Lights

It's gonna be alright

Doesn't matter if were down by nine,

It's always Denard time

Woah-oh-oh-oh Woah-oh-oh-oh

It's always Denard time

Woah-oh-oh-oh

Doesn’t matter if we're down by nine,

It's always Denard time.

Freaked out missed the open man again

Checked out of coverage and hit my tight end

Let's find you if you're open for a first down tonight

Cuz It's always Denard time

Good morning and good night

I do my best work Under the Lights

It's gonna be alright

Doesn't matter if we're down by nine

It's always Denard time.

Woah-oh-oh-oh Woah-oh-oh-oh

It's always Denard time

Woah-oh-oh-oh

Doesn't matter if we're down by nine

It's always Denard time.

Woah-oh-oh-oh Woah-oh-oh-oh

It's always Denard time

Woah-oh-oh-oh

Doesn't matter if we're down by nine

It's always Denard time.

Doesn't matter when

Denard just made 'em miss again.

Doesn't matter where

Denard just made 'em miss by a hair.

Doesn't matter when

Denard just made 'em miss again.

It's always Denard time

Woah-oh-oh-oh Woah-oh-oh-oh

It's always Denard time

Woah-oh-oh-oh

Doesn't matter if we're down by nine,  

It's always Denard time

Woah-oh-oh-oh Woah-oh-oh-oh

It's always Denard time

Woah-oh-oh-oh

Doesn't matter if we're down by nine, 

It's always Denard time.

Hoke of the Rising Sun

So, inspired by this:


and coupled with a distinct love of Eric Burdon and the Animals, as seen here:


We now present "Hoke of the Rising Sun"

There is a game in New Orleans
They call the Sugar Bowl
And it's part of the reviled BCS
The debate can take its toll.

Now Johnny is our tailor
He sewed my new jerseys
Our head coach is a gamblin' man
who wouldn't settle for three.

Now the only thing a gambler needs
Is to go on fourth and one.
And the only time he's needs to punt
Is when the game is won.

(Organ solo)

Oh Brady tell Al Borges
Not to do what he has done
Don't put Denard under center
He's better in shotgun.

Well, Mattison dials up blitzes
And a Michigan defense regained
Just play a stout run stopping D,
Don't let them move the chains

Well, there is a game in New Orleans
They call the Sugar Bowl
And it's part of the reviled BCS
The debate can take its toll.

Glengarry Dave Brandon

We here at HSR were able to get a portion of the transcript of the continuing evaluation of Coach Rodriguez from inside 1000 South State Street.  While it is incomplete, our source, a Mr. David Mamet, assures us that it is very accurate from his transcript.  (Mr. Mamet, every apology in the world.)

Brandon: Let me have your attention for a moment! So you're talking about what? You're talking about...(puts out his cigarette)...bitching about that Gator Bowl you blew up, some recruit that doesn't want to commit, somebody in the media who wrote something unflattering, some scheme you're trying to implement and so forth. Let's talk about something important. Are they all here?
Ablauf: All but one.
Brandon: Well, I'm going anyway. Let's talk about something important! (to Robinson) Put that coffee down!! Coffee's for closers only. (Robinson scoffs) Do you think I'm messing with you? I am not messing with you. I'm here from the Fleming. I'm here from Mary Sue. And I'm here on a mission of mercy. Your name's Robinson?
Robinson: Yeah.
Brandon: You call yourself a defensive coordinator, you son of a bitch?
Rodriguez: I don't have to listen to this.
Brandon: You certainly don't pal. 'Cause the good news is -- you're fired. The bad news is you've got, all you got, just one night to regain your jobs, starting tonight. Starting with tonight's sit. Oh, have I got your attention now? Good. 'Cause we're adding a little something to next year's football season.  As you all know, first prize is a BCS Championship. Anyone want to see second prize? Second prize's a Legends Division championship. Third prize is you're fired. You get the picture? You're laughing now? You got leads. Mary Sue and the alumni paid good money. Get their games to sell them out! You can't close the leads you're given, you can't close shit, you ARE shit, hit the bricks pal and beat it 'cause you are going out!!!
Robinson: The leads are weak.
Brandon: 'The leads are weak.' Fucking leads are weak? You're weak. I've been in this business fifteen years.
Rodriguez: What's your name?
Brandon: FUCK YOU, that's my name!! You know why, Mister? 'Cause you drove a Dodge Stratus to get here tonight, I drove an eighty thousand dollar BMW. That's my name!! (to Robinson) And your name is "you're wanting." And you can't play in a man's game. You can't close them. (at a near whisper) And you go home and tell your wife your troubles. (to everyone again) Because only one thing counts in this life! Get more points on your side of the scoreboard! You hear me, you fucking maggots?
(Brandon flips over a whiteboard which has two sets of letters on it: ABC, and HAIL.)
Brandon: A-B-C. A-always, B-be, C-coaching. Always be coaching! Always be coaching!! H-A-I-L. Head's Up, Attacking, Interceptions, Leadership. Head's Up-- do the players have your attention? Are you using some form of stuffed animal? Attacking-- are you attacking? I know you are because it's sack or six with your defense. You stop them or you hit the bricks! Interceptions -- are you protecting the ball when you have it and taking the ball away when you doing.  And leadership. H-A-I-L; get out there!! You got the prospects comin' in; you think they came in to get out of the rain? Guy doesn't walk on campus unless he wants to play. Sitting out there waiting to give you their effort! Are you gonna take them? Are you man enough to take them? (to Rodriguez) What's the problem pal? You. Rodriguez.
Rodriguez: You're such a hero, you're so rich. Why you coming down here and waste your time on a bunch of bums?
(Brandon sits and takes off his gold watch)
Brandon: You see this watch? You see this watch?
Rodriguez: Yeah.
Brandon: That watch cost more than your car. I made $1,970,000 last year. How much you make? You see, pal, that's who I am. And you're nothing. Nice guy? I don't give a shit. Good father? Forget you -- go home and play with your kids!! (to everyone) You wanna work here? WIN!! (to Gibson) You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you special teams coach? You can't take this -- how can you take the abuse you get on a sit?! You don't like it -- leave. I can go out there tonight with the materials you got, make myself a 10 and 2 season! Tonight! In two hours! Can you? Can you? Go and do likewise! H-A-I-L!! Get mad! You sons of bitches! Get mad!! You know what it takes to sell win football games?
(He pulls something out of his briefcase)
Brandon: It takes a tiny white hat to win football games.
(He's holding a tiny white hat with a purple LSU on its crown, over his head--he puts them away after a pause)
Brandon: Go and do likewise, gents. The wins are out there, you pick it up, it's yours. You don't--I have no sympathy for you. You wanna go out on those sits tonight and close, close, it's yours. If not you're going to be shining my shoes. Bunch of losers sitting around in a bar. (in a mocking weak voice) "Oh yeah, I used to be a college football coach, it's a tough racket." (he takes out large stack of red index cards tied together with string from his briefcase) These are the new defensive recruiting leads. These are the ESPN150 leads. And to you, they're gold. And you don't get them. Because to give them to you is just throwing them away. (he hands the stack to Ablauf) They're for closers.
I'd wish you good luck but you wouldn't know what to do with it if you got it. (to Rodriguez as he puts on his watch again) And to answer your question, pal: why am I here? I came here because Mary Sue asked me to, she asked me for a favor. I said, the real favor, follow my advice and fire your fucking ass because a loser is a loser.
(He stares at Rodriguez for a sec, and then picking up his briefcase, goes into inner office with Ablauf)

(Addition: Two bits of thanks which I thought I had initially included:

• http://www.whysanity.net/monos/ggr2.html for providing me the transcript framework from which to work 
• Our puppet based aspirational peers at http://houserockbuilt.blogspot.com/2010/12/stuffing-passer-boiler-room.html for reminding me this could work.

Thanks to both of you.  And apologies for the swearing.  But, well, it's Mamet.)

Forty-Two Ways to Beat Indiana

Forty-Two Ways to Beat Indiana

(with so many apologies to Paul Simon)

"The problem is all with your defense", they said to me
The answer is the offense, as you'll see logically
We'd like to help you in your struggle for bowl eligibility
There must be forty-two ways to beat Indiana

They said I should look at the stats they've accrued.
Furthermore, what about the QB's ability to elude
But they repeated themselves about this opening Big Ten feud
There must be forty-two ways to beat Indiana
Forty-two ways to beat Indiana

Just cut it this instant, Vincent
Hit the jets hard, Denard
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free

Put us up by seven, Kevin
You don't need to ponder therein
Just burn that Hoosier, Junior
And get yourself free

Just cut it this instant, Vincent
Hit the jets hard, Denard
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free

Put us up by seven, Kevin
You don't need to ponder therein
Just burn that Hoosier, Junior
And get yourself free

They said it grieves us so to see you in such pain
We wish there was something we could do to make you smile again
I said I appreciate that and would you please explain
About the forty-two ways

They said "Why don't we just watch it the U?", to no one's delight
And I believe in the evening, you'll begin to see the light
And then they smiled and I realized they were probably right
There must be forty-two ways to beat Indiana
Forty-two ways to beat Indiana

Just cut it this instant, Vincent
Hit the jets hard, Denard
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free

Put us up by seven, Kevin
You don't need to ponder therein
Just burn that Hoosier, Junior
And get yourself free

Just cut it this instant, Vincent
Hit the jets hard, Denard
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free

Put us up by seven, Kevin
You don't need to ponder therein
Just burn that Hoosier, Junior
And get yourself free