Breaking! Must credit HSR. Urban Meijer hires assistant coaches.

Although some news reports indicate that Urban Meijer is, in fact, not a store and actually a human being who goes by the unlikely name of "Urban Meyer," this is a clearly-perpetrated smokescreen designed by the Ohio athletic department in order to misdirect Michigan from knowing their true plans. However, we here at Hoover Street Rag have not fallen for the ruse, and we have discovered that Urban Meijer has all but locked up the following assistant coaches, who will be revealed after the jump.