Settling Accounts

A couple of years ago, back when he was still HSR's correspondent in the Pacific Northwest, Dave wrote up an awesome Sporcle quiz:
Can you name the Universities & Colleges Michigan has played in a football game?

Take ten minutes and play it and come back here when you're done.

..........

And you're back, good.  As you may have noted, Dave included the last year played in the quiz, and the record against the opponent.  It's actually kind of neat to realize that Michigan actually has a winning record against most schools they have played.

Which brings us to 2014.  David Brandon announced today that Michigan will be playing Appalachian State once more, six years and 363 days after well, you know.

This is Mike Hart, doing those things that Mike Hart did, like find the hole behind Jake Long.

I don't need to recap the events of that day, the media will do that for you all throughout August 2014, but after I got past my anger about this, and my anger that we have scheduled another FCS team (well, maybe, the Mountaineers could be FBS by that point, but that's a whole other thing.) has subsided.  Because I realized something.

Nah, there weren't really eighty-eight of them. They just called themselves "The Crazy 88."

Dave Brandon took one look at Beatrix Kiddo (and her awesome Maize uniform) and decided to settle some scores.  So, with this in mind, the list of future opponents to bring Michigan back to .500 against every still extant school in Division I.

Arizona State (0-1, 1987 Rose Bowl)
You know, this was the game that convinced Ohio State to hire John Cooper, do we really need to "avenge" this.  OK, fine, fine, put them on the list.

Army (4-5, last played in 1962)
Michigan needs to go to Michie Stadium, since they are 0-2 on the banks of the Hudson*.  Also, all of the losses are between 1945 and 1954, so I blame Eisenhower. (*-Whoops, both of the losses came at Yankee Stadium.)

Brigham Young (0-1, 1984 Holiday Bowl)
Michigan was 6-5, BYU was approaching an undefeated season and a national championship.  Robbie Bosco and all.  But now, you know, BYU is an independent, and they need people to play.  Perhaps Michigan can place a call to Provo?

Cornell (6-12, last played in 1952)
OK, this is going to take some time.  Can we count hockey games against them?  I mean, we stole their hockey chants, that has to count for something, right?


Mississippi State (0-1, 2011 Gator Bowl)
Avenge me!!!  Viva Starkvegas and all.


North Carolina (1-2, last played in 1979 Gator Bowl)
We should try to get the Tar Heels in soon, you know, while they're still reeling from hanging out with Butch Davis.


Oklahoma (0-1, 1976 Orange Bowl)
Actually, it amazes me more that we've only played the Sooners once ever.  Let's wait until Stoops retires.  They'll never see it coming.


Southern California (4-6, last played in 2007 Rose Bowl)
OK, firstly, we need to get them out of their SoCal comfort zone.  Secondly, we need to get them while Lane Kiffin is still at the helm.


Tennessee (0-1, 2002 Citrus Bowl)
You know Mr. Brandon, Neyland Stadium is one of the few facilities outside the B1G that could host Michigan and not cost Michigan money if you scheduled a home and home.  Get them before Derek Dooley figures it out.


Texas (0-1, 2005 Rose Bowl)
It could be a huge selling point for the Longhorn Network!!!


Toledo (0-1, last played in 2008)
Yeah, if this shows up on the 2014 schedule, I know my thesis has validity.


In the end, we cannot fully avenge every losing record since we're 0-1 against Wesleyan, but there is the list.  Let's get to work.

Michigan Books $400K Punching Bag

Appalachian State has been signed to fill the open September 1 slot on Michigan’s schedule, and I’m none too happy about it. Yes, the Mountaineers have won the 1-AA national championship the last two years and would give your average MAC team fits, but they're still a 1-AA team. As of now Michigan is still part of the tiny group of programs never to play a 1-AA (AKA “Football Championship Subdivision”) opponent. The other members of this club are USC, UCLA, Notre Dame, and Ohio State, and the Buckeyes will also be leaving the fraternity when they play Youngstown State this season. I’m disappointed that Michigan would ever settle for this. There’s no way to get the distinction of "never" back, and it's one I'm proud of, even if the distinction between a bad MAC team and a good 1-AA one is marginal. I hate this.

Bill Martin spoke to the Free Press about it, saying “"It wasn't because of the money, I can tell you that," a statement I’d call disingenuous at best. Of course it’s because of the money. It might not be about squeezing your cupcake opponent for a bigger percentage of the gate, but it is about getting that eighth home game on the schedule without having to pencil in a reciprocal visit in the future. That open date provides for a future home game, allowing the athletic department to fill its coffers in the future. And you know it’ll be filled with whoever will agree to the same terms, since Martin has also said "We need eight home games in order to pay the bills." When you have that kind of debt looming, you tend to take the cash whenever you can.

These issues of scheduling 1-AA opponents and ridiculous numbers of home games deserve to be kicked upstairs to the NCAA, or would if the NCAA weren’t so toothless and gun-shy. Member institutions’ athletic directors have a vested interest in maximizing revenue at their institutions. At big schools, it means scheduling every home game possible. For what it’s worth, Michigan clears a good $4 million from every home game. Appalachian State will also walk away with a guaranteed $400K, demonstrating that it’s also in the best financial interests of a small school to take the paycheck and the pounding. It’s a win-win from an AD’s perspective, but the loser is college football. The NFL long ago recognized that selling the league as a whole was more important than any one team. Obviously, there are many ways in which the NFL model is incompatible with the college game, but the NCAA needs to recognize that real competition is integral to growing the brand. That isn’t helped by 8-home-game seasons and 1-AA opponents. Simply capping the number of home games at seven would be a good start. In a better world, 1-A teams would be banned from putting 1-AA cannon fodder on the schedule, but – barring that – wins over 1-AA opponents shouldn’t count for the BCS or towards bowl eligibility.

I also want a pony.

Despite my complaining, I’ll almost certainly still go to the game. My season ticket doesn’t allow for leaving games off, so I can’t make any principled stand on that front. I guess I’ll just have to refuse to buy any concessions. That’ll show them…or at least Domino’s.