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"For over a thousand years, Roman conquerors returning from the wars enjoyed the honor of a triumph - a tumultuous parade. In the procession came trumpeters and musicians and strange animals from the conquered territories, together with carts laden with treasure and captured armaments. The conqueror rode in a triumphal chariot, the dazed prisoners walking in chains before him. Sometimes his children, robed in white, stood with him in the chariot, or rode the trace horses. A slave stood behind the conqueror, holding a golden crown, and whispering in his ear a warning: 'that all glory is fleeting.'"

Those are the last lines from Patton and they remind me of something.  When you have powerful men who trust each other in positions of power to make stupid decisions, there needs to be person in the room empowered to say "No, wait, stop, are you sure this is a good idea?"

Lisa: "What's so special about this game anyway? It's just another chapter in the pointless rivalry between Springfield and Shelbyville. They built a mini-mall, so we built a bigger mini-mall. They made the world's largest pizza, so we burnt down their city hall."
Homer: "Heh, heh, heh. Yeah, they swore they'd get us back by spiking our water supply. But they didn't have the guts."
Marge: (drinks the tap water) "Ooooh. The walls are melting again."

"Homer Loves Flanders" Season 5, Episode 16

I don't have a degree or background in marketing, so someone is going to need to explain to me how skywriting over a rival school's stadium, during a home game for that school, is positive marketing for your program?  Are you going to convince anyone in attendance "Wait, I'm here when I could be a Michigan game?  What the hell am I thinking?  Thank you skywriting.  Thank you!"   You've now made the airspace over Michigan Stadium fair game, no?  Didn't the FAA and Homeland Security say that was a no no?  Are you relying on that to prevent retaliation? All you've done is give your rivals the high ground on this one (especially when they very cleverly turned it into a cancer fundraiser) and pissed off a lot of people in your own fan base wondering why you're spending that kind of money, whatever it is that you spent.  This is where someone needs to be able to ask the question: "What's the goal here?  Is it worth it?  Are we okay with the potential blowback here?"

(Oh, and really, GOBLUE?  That was your plan?  Seriously, not Δ258?  That would have been a mystery and would have at least qualified as clever.  But no.)

"Uh, hi, Mr. Meyers. I've been doing some thinking, and I've got some ideas to improve the show. I got it right here.  One, Poochie needs to be louder, angrier, and have access to a time machine. Two, whenever Poochie's not onscreen, all the other characters should be asking 'Where's Poochie'?"

"The Itchy and Scratchy and Poochie Show", Season Eight, Episode 14.

Why, exactly, does Michigan need to market itself?  I suppose the fact that Akron was the first non-sell out crowd in over a decade answers my question, but for all of the good things that the Athletic Department's marketing arm does (and let's be clear, they do a lot of things very well, starting with their social media presence), it also does stuff where you just scratch your head and yell at people about it.  Stick to what has worked for Michigan, try not to piss off your loyal customers while searching for new ones, and for goodness sakes, do not buy the old line that any publicity is good publicity.

So Many Bears

So, one of the hot trends for Christmas 2011 is NCAA Mascot Pillow Pets.  They're cute, they're spirited, and they're roughly $30.  Looking at the Big Ten's assortment, some of them make perfect sense. (And before I get angry letters, I could not find ones for Indiana or Northwestern.)  To wit:

This Brutus Buckeye looks pretty much like the real thing.

All this Nittany Lion is missing is his traditional jaunty scarf.

Looks like Buckingham Badger, no doubt.  Horrifying, yes, but it does look like him.

Why Goldy Gopher's image comes up like security camera footage, I'm not sure.

I think this is what Herky looks like.  Even has the black pants.

He's big big big.  And he's red red red.  And that's how he came to earn the name Big Red.

And then there are four that completely make you question what the marketing people were thinking, which is exactly what we did.  Please help us decide which of the four of these is the greatest crime:

1). Illinois

"Hey, so what's an Illini anyway?"
"Well, allegedly it used to be an Indian chief, but they dropped that imagery a few years ago.  Ahh, to heck with it, make it a bear with a 1950s style Indian headdress.  We'll say he was at the First Thanksgiving or something."
"Sir, don't you think people will wonder why the bear is a Native American?"
"Do I look like I care?"

2). Michigan State

"Hey, Michigan State has like one of the NCAA's most popular and famous mascots, right?"
"Yeah, whatever, biceps are hard to transfer to a pillow pet.  Make it a dog."
"But sir, what do dogs have to do with Sparta?"
"I don't know.  I'm going to go to my office and watch 300 and I'm sure I'll come up with something."
"Shouldn't we at least make it like a Greek breed of dog?  Like a Molossus or something?"
"You're putting way too much thought into this.  Just make it cute and a little needy, like it's the little brother of the litter."

3). Michigan

"Sir, this one's a bit tricky.  Michigan is legendary for their resistance to the mascot.  They're very big on their symbols like the winged helmet and the block M."
"Good, then we should include those."
"Right, so we'll get the traditional blue jersey, and the block and and the winged helmet, all on a Wolverine.  But wolverines are scary looking.  Since we're targeting small children, do we really want to give them a representation of a godless killing machine, nature's most perfect land based predator?"
"You're right, make it a grizzly bear instead."
"So a wolverbear?"
"No, just a grizzly.  Make it cute though."

4). Purdue

"Not going to lie sir, Purdue Pete is kind of creepy looking. But I think we're OK, because Purdue's actual mascot is the Boilermaker Special and kids love trains.  We'll just make a fun train one."
"Nope, trains are too hard to pull off.  You know, idea, let's..."
"Make it a bear.  Sir, come on, every time we get stuck, you tell me to make it a bear.  Besides, how would people even know the bear was representing Purdue?"
"Put a hardhat on him?"
"I hate you."
"I know."