Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Calibrating the Borges-O-Meter

So a certain somewhat popular Michigan sports blog took a break from its usual obsessing over teenage boys to criticize the settings of our illustrious Borges-O-Meter  (on the sidebar over there --> ). Its chief proprietor asks:
What does Al Borges have to do to get Tlon, Uqbar, Orbus Tertius, Hoover Street Rag? Is 41 points and nearly 500 yards without an effective basic running game against a defense that returned seven starters from the #2 scoring D in the country insufficient? WHAT MORE CAN HE DO, HOOVER STREET RAG?
Imagine how upset Brian Cook would have been if we'd forgotten to update it after the game, like we almost did.

To avoid any further confusion, there are at least three feats of co-ordinating derring-do that will permit Al Borges to reach the pinnacle that is Tlön. Those three feats are:

  • Repeat what just happened against Notre Dame on November 30. 
  • Lead the offense to 41 points and almost 500 yards, with or without an effective basic running game, in Pasadena this January.
  • Recognize that the primary goal of the Michigan State defense will not be to win the game, but rather to injure his players, and then devise a dominant offensive game plan that never exposes a player to a dangerous Tom Gholston-style cheap shot.
Against regional rivals and other schools of lesser renown, we have no choice but to place higher standards on Al Borges before he can ascend to Orbus Tertius. The minimum standards for each game are:

Akron: Randomly select the offensive players from the student section 20 minutes before game time and lead them to a double-digit victory.
@Connecticut: Nothing. This team lost by 15 points to Towson.
Minnesota: Win the game while fielding an actual brown jug at guard.
@Penn State: Get half of the team's yardage from walk-ons.
Indiana: Indiana scored 73 points against Indiana State. It only seems fair to demand that a Michigan offense be twice as good as Indiana's and put up 146.
Nebraska: What will impress us against a defense that gave up over 600 yards to Wyoming? Wyoming was a little unbalanced; we'll need both 300 yards passing and 300 yards rushing.
@Northwestern: Before putting up 35 points, ratchet up the difficulty level by packing Kyle Field full of Northwestern fans.
@Iowa: Beat the Hawkeyes so badly that they buy out Ferentz's contract the next day. Make Adam Jacobi seem happy about the state of Iowa football for once.

There you have it! Easy peasy Uqbar squeezy!

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