An incomplete inventory of Brady Hoke's Office Bookshelf

Based on this video
An incomplete, but hopefully accurate list Things on Brady Hoke's Bookshelf: 

• A replica of a Navy SEAL Trident
• A copy of The Big House: Fielding Yost and the Building of Michigan Stadium by Robert M. Soderstrom
• A copy of the Michigan Football Vault
• A copy of Jim Brandstatter's Tales from Michigan Stadium
• A photo of Charles Woodson's LEAPING Interception vs. MSU 1997 
• A photo of a real wolverine in the wild
• A photo of the Rose Bowl marquee
• A copy of Michael Rosenberg's War As They Knew It
• A photo of the offensive line in the trenches vs. MSU (year unknown)
• An Under the Lights stadium poster
• A photo of Charles Woodson with Heisman Trophy
• A photo of Desmond Howard in Heisman pose
• A photo of Jake Long
• A replica helmet from 1950
• A replica Ron Kramer helmet from 1956
• A replica Don Moorhead helmet from 1969
• A replica 1997 helmet 
• An original redwood seat from Michigan Stadium 
• A photo of his daughter 
• A poster of the 1/2/98 Detroit Free Press front page 
• A Personalized Michigan license plate that says THETEAM
• A photo of Charles Woodson's INT vs WSU in Rose Bowl
• A photo of Jerame Tuman
• A 100th Game Game Ball from OSU 2003
• A paper cutout of the Michigan helmet wings, side view
• An additional game ball
• 1997 National Champions hat (navy blue)
• A copy of the Sports Illustrated 1997 National Champions commemorative issue.
• A copy of the Alabama Game Week plan.

In addition, photos on the wall adjacent to the bookshelf, Team 133 congratulating Brendan Gibbons after his Sugar Bowl winning kick, a sea of helmets picture, and some others.

I will say, Brady Hoke's office is like the dream version of what I would want my office to be.

Happy Valentine's Day '13 from HSR

Silver Linings Playbook

Now there's no reason to go to Indianapolis.

Unless it's an elimination game, the following statement is almost always true about court-stormings: it's better to be the team quietly slipping away down the tunnel than the team partying with its fans at center court. What's worthy of storming the court? Beating the best when you're not among the best yourself. Defeating Michigan basketball is worth storming the court again. That's a good sign.

No denying it though: that loss hurt. That loss fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fucking hurt and there are no non-profane words to describe how much it hurt. Getting the #1 overall seed in March will be tough. Getting to play at close to home at the Midwest Regional in Indianapolis will be tough. But, you know what? The day after, once the pain has died down a little, not having those things may not be so bad.

Michigan has lost three tough, close games on the road, in three extremely hostile environments, to three teams ranked in the kenpom's Top 15. Michigan also one road win (@Minnesota), one home win (vs. OSU), and one neutral-site win (vs. Pitt) against the kenpom Top 15.  It's not that they can't win against the top teams. They've never been blown off the court for a whole game like Duke or Florida have. This team can't quite seem to get it done in a hostile road environment. Fortunately, there are no true road games in March. The question is: are there practical road games, where the arena will be pulling against the Wolverines?

Barring a total late season collapse, Michigan has already done enough to earn the right to play its first and second round second and third round games in Auburn Hills in front of a friendly crowd. It won't be as good as Crisler if Michigan State is playing there too, but it's still the best place to be.

But what about the regionals? I took a look at today's kenpom Top 40 teams and, for each team, I looked at which regional site they're closest to and ordered them from closest to farthest. Teams that are within a four-hour drive of their nearest regional site are bolded. Georgetown is included in the Midwest Region because they are hosting the East Regional and can't be played there.

Midwest	East	South	West
Butler	VCU	Baylor	San Diego State
Indiana	Virginia	Oklahoma State	UNLV
Louisville	Pittsburgh	Wichita State	Arizona
Cincinnati	Duke	Kansas State	Stanford
Ohio State	N.C. State	Kansas	St. Mary's
Kentucky	Syracuse	Southern Miss	Gonzaga
St. Louis	Florida	Mississippi
Michigan State	Miami	New Mexico
Michigan		Colorado State
Marquette
Wisconsin
Iowa
Missouri
Iowa State
Creighton
Minnesota
Georgetown*

Not only is the Big Ten the best conference in college basketball this year, but a lot of Big East powers are located at its western edge, and Butler, Kentucky, and St. Louis are also nearby. On top of this, Notre Dame and Illinois are located in the 40s in kenpom and a short distance from Indianapolis.

Michigan showed it can acquit itself well against potential high seeds at a neutral site with its Preseason NIT victory. Based on where the top teams are located, Indianapolis is the worst place for them to be: it's the only place where Michigan fans could be drowned out by any number of opposing fanbases. The only other possibility that comes close is have to face a resurgent UCLA at the Staples Center.

So, let's posiblog. If Indiana gets the top seed in Midwest Regional, Michigan is probably not going to be forced into hostile territory. No regional site is within four hours of Duke, Kansas, Florida, Arizona, or Gonzaga. Outside the Midwest, the highest-ranked schools that are close to a regional site are #21 VCU and #22 Virginia. No major power is particularly close to the Georgia Dome.

If Michigan ends up a low #1 seed or a #2, we'll travel. We'll be all right. Someone's going to have to go to Arlington. It'll probably turn out better than the last time.

But still, Ben Brust: fuck that guy.

REPOST: Here's my cat, still napping in the baby bouncer

DEJA VU BONUS: This video features my stepnephew:

Aaron Craft and the Four Factors of Hate

While thinking about Tuesday's game against Ohio State, I was struck like I walked through a plate-glass window by the observation that, although Deshaun Thomas is clearly OSU's most valuable player, Michigan fans didn't experience massive schadenfreude in seeing him lose. Instead, we were filled with glee to see Aaron Craft lying on the floor in defeat. Part of the reason I find Craft so annoying is that he's the beneficiary and victim of Ecksteinism, or "scrappy white guy media affection." Another part of the reason is that his aggressive defense always makes you wonder, "How on earth was that not a foul?"

I'm not going to try and quantify media overexposure in this post. What I'm going to try to do here is use nothing but freely-avaiable statistics to try and predict which players in Big Ten men's basketball inspire the most hatred in opposing fanbases solely by the way they play. I downloaded data for all Big Ten men's players this season, including conference and non-conference games through February 7, and then eliminated the players who haven't seen the court for at least 100 minutes. This left a dataset of 113 players for which I attempted to determine "The Four Factors of Hate."

The first factor I came up, inspired by Craft, is steals per personal foul. There are two kinds of players who can rack up the steals and not the fouls: the player who never gets whistled for overaggressive defense and the player who is actually really good at stealing the ball. Both of those players will drive you crazy when there's on the other team. Here's the leaderboard for ST/PF:

Rank	Player	Team	ST/PF
1	Tim Frazier	PSU	1.125
2	Austin Hollins	MINN	1.023
3	Branden Dawson	MSU	1.000
4	Victor Olapido	IND	0.931
5	Aaron Craft	OSU	0.860
6	Shannon Scott	OSU	0.857
7	Julian Welch	MINN	0.818
8	D.J. Richardson	ILL	0.809
9T	Josh Oglesby	IOWA	0.800
9T	Joe Coleman	MINN	0.800

The second factor is the ability to draw fouls. Sports Reference College Basketball doesn't have this listed as a stat, so I estimated it with the formula ADF = Free Throw Attempts/(Minutes Played * Usage %). This stat favors the frontcourt, with centers and forwards occupying eight of the top nine spots. Two factors in and it's clear Penn State really misses Tim Frazier.

Rank	Player	Team	ADF
1	Amir Williams	OSU	1.268
2	Aaron White	IOWA	1.080
3	Tim Frazier	PSU	1.020
4	Cody Zeller	IND	1.006
5	Trevor Mbakwe	MINN	0.972
6	Andre Ingram	MINN	0.894
7	Abodunrin Gabriel Olaseni	IOWA	0.861
8	Maurice Walker	MINN	0.852
9	Melsahn Basabe	IOWA	0.801
10	Pat Ingram	IOWA	0.793

The third factor measures three-point specialization: it's the fraction of made field goals that are three-pointers, of 3FG/FG. A whopping 92% of Penn State's Nick Colella's made shots are from outside the arc, almost 14% more that #2 Josh Oglesby.

Rank	Player	Team	3FG/FG
1	Nick Colella	PSU	0.920
2	Josh Oglesby	IOWA	0.784
3T	Kale Abrahamson	NU	0.733
3T	Travis Trice	MSU	0.733
5	Maurice Creek	IND	0.727
6	D.J. Byrd	PUR	0.712
7	George Marshall	WISC	0.700
8	Jordan Hulls	IND	0.667
9	Nik Stauskas	MICH	0.624
10	Maverick Ahamnisi	MINN	0.600

After the jump, read about the fourth factor and see the leaderboards of hate.

Seal Block: Special ohio Unit

Land-Grant Holy Land is reporting that ohio is updating their athletic logo and their official seal and, in the words of Luke Zimmerman, this "ruins everything." As the sports blogosphere's leading authority on university seals, we can't let this change go unremarked. Let's take a look at the old and the new:

Image modified from Land-Grant Holy Land.

So there is one big change and one big no-change. The big no-change is simple: this was the time to get rid of the small caps and put "THE" on equal footing with the rest of the university name. If you insist on calling your school "The Ohio State University," why wouldn't you make your seal say it? Just shift that ribbon down a little and you've got room.

The big change is something that should be problematic for any academic institution. The circular O on the shield has been replaced with the Block O that has signified ohio's athletics since 1958. That's the tail wagging the dog. It's not just something Mark Emmert says to himself to feel better at night, it's actually true: academics come first. Among other FBS schools, only TCU, East Carolina, and Rice have obvious links to their athletic team names on their official seals, and Rice in particular is forgiven because Owls are a well-established symbol of wisdom. (We're even forgiving ohio the buckeye leaf. It predates the athletic department.)

Last year's failed University of California System rebranding failed because the new logo was both modern and dated: it looked like it was made around 2010, and if it had been permanently adopted, it would look like it was made around 2010 a hundred years from now. Having an obviously dated seal isn't necessarily horrible - when we ranked the seals of the Big Ten, Purdue's 1960s-style seal had a modest amount of support - but it's not as good as a well-established classic. Even if classics are the best, a new seal can still have a timeless feel: Memphis's recent rebranding (warning: PDF) is a great example of a well-designed new university seal.

But seriously, ohio, you can't put your athletic logo on your official seal. This supports every stereotype you hear in Ann Arbor. That ohio only cares about winning The Game and mucking Fichigan and, in order to do that, they'll let their athletic department run roughshod over the university to the point that it actually changed the official seal. If you want to update the seal, just add some color: put in some scarlet and gray to replace the pencil shading. Be a university your athletic department can be proud of.

As for your hideous new athletic logo and wordmark: we have no particular opinion on that. We're a Michigan blog. As far as we're concerned, all your athletic designs are hideous.

Stauskas: A Romance of Many Dimensions

Chapter 16. How the Stranger Vainly Endeavoured to Reveal to Me in Words the Mysteries of Spaceland

From dreams I proceed to facts.

It was the last day of the first month of the 2013th year of our era. The patterning of the rain had long ago announced nightfall; and I was sitting in the company of my wife, musing on the events of the past and the prospects of the coming months, the coming year, the coming Tournament.

Straightway I became conscious of a Presence in the arena, and a chilling breath thrilled through my very being. Looking around in every direction I could see nothing; yet still I FELT a Presence, and shivered as the cold whisper came again. I started up. There was nothing; and I resumed my seat, again exclaiming, "The boy is a fool, I say; a Two-Point Shot can have no meaning in Basketball." At once there came a distinctly audible reply, "The boy is not a fool; and a Two-Point Shot has an obvious Basketball meaning."

Desperate with fear, I rushed forward to the Stranger with an unceremonious, "You must permit me, Sir—" and felt him. There was not the trace of an angle, not the slightest roughness or inequality: never in my life had I met with a more perfect Circle. He remained motionless while I walked around him, beginning from his eye and returning to it again. Circular he was throughout, a perfectly satisfactory Circle; there could not be a doubt of it. Then followed a dialogue, which I will endeavour to set down as near as I can recollect it, omitting only some of my profuse apologies—for I was covered with shame and humiliation that I, a Square, should have been guilty of the impertinence of feeling a Circle. It was commenced by the Stranger with some impatience at the lengthiness of my introductory process.

Stranger: Have you felt me enough by this time? Are you not introduced to me yet?

I: Sir, excuse my awkwardness, which arises not from ignorance, but from a little surprise and nervousness. Would my Lordship deign to satisfy the curiosity of one who would gladly know whence his Visitor came?

Stranger: From Space, from Space, Sir: whence else?

I: Pardon me, my Lord, but is not your Lordship already in Space, your Lordship and his humble servant, even at this moment?

Stranger: Pooh! What do you know of Space? Define Space.

I: Space, my Lord, is the ability to make Three-Point Shots, infinitely prolonged.

Stranger: Exactly: you see you do not even know what Space is. You think it is of One Dimension only; but I have come to announce to you More: three-point shots, backdoor cuts, assists, and stout defense.

Via MGoBlog, Obviously.

Sidebar Additions: Introducing the Borges-O-Meter

First off, your thorough analysis of tonight's basketball game: Michigan is better at basketball than Northwestern.

We've made a couple of additions to the blog sidebar. We've added links to our most popular Michigan-related quizzes on Sporcle, including our infamous "Sparty, No!" quiz.

Also, now that Al Borges has the personnel in place to run his desired pro-style offense, we're introducing the "Borges-O-Meter" to measure fan satisfaction on a scale from 1 to 10. Since we're nerds, each level corresponds to an appropriate short story by Jorge Luis Borges.

Here's a handy-dandy animated GIF of the Borges-O-Meter and a table of the associated stories:

Level	Story	Offensive Perfomance
10	Tlön, Uqbar, Orbus Tertius	otherworldly
9	Funes the Memorious	unforgettable
8	The Aleph	capable of anything
7	The Garden of Forking Paths	cunning
6	The Lottery of Babylon	fortunate
5	On Exactitude in Science	precise
4	Pierre Menard, Author of the Quixote	predictable
3	The Library of Babel	baffling
2	The Disk	one-dimensional
1	The Gospel According to Mark	housefire

With the return of Taylor Lewan and the successful recruitment of Derrick Green, we're bumping the Borges-O-Meter up to a 6 (The Lottery of Babylon, fortunate). This is up two spots from its post-Outback Bowl rating of 4 (Pierre Menard, Author of the Quixote, predictable).

In deference to Charlie Blockham, the Borges-O-Meter is, and always will be, in Aachen typeface.

Update! Following MGoBlog's suggestion, we have swapped levels 5 and 6. So The Lottery of Babylon is now Level 5 and now the current state of the Borges-O-Meter.

In which Craig is entitled to a victory lap

One thought, which may take a couple of tweets. To @desmondhoward 's credit, I remember very distinctly that he very purposefully seemed (1/
— Hoover Street Rag (@hooverstreet) January 16, 2013

to avoid using the word "girlfriend" when discussing Manti Te'o's emotional weeks in September. I wonder if he had a notion. (2/2)
— Hoover Street Rag (@hooverstreet) January 16, 2013

@hooverstreet thanks for noticing
— Desmond Howard (@DesmondHoward) January 17, 2013

HOCKEYBEAR thought real friends would have stayed

1/11/2013 – Alaska 5, Michigan 4 – 7-8-4, 5-7-3-1 CCHA
1/12/2013 – Alaska 4, Michigan 1 – 8-8-4, 6-7-3-1 CCHA
1/13/2013 – Michigan 53, Ohio State 56 – 16-1, 3-1 Big Ten

Photo by Paul McCarthy via alaskananooks.com

YOU CAN'T GO ON. YOU'LL GO ON.

Yost Arena getting pretty empty. Fans making there way to the exits as the 'Nooks lead 4-1.
— Nanooks Hockey Blog (@NanookHockey) January 13, 2013

Primeval forces of destruction like me do not usually have Twitter accounts. HOCKEYBEAR remembers many æons ago in Internet time, when there was something of a fad among commenter trolls that they weren't really "trolling," they were engaging in a "sociological experiment." Of course, I scoff at this notion — these so-called experimenters did not collect the required informed consent forms, did not follow the principles set forth in the Declaration of Helsinki, and did not publish their results in any peer-reviewed publications. However, the term came to mind as HOCKEYBEAR watched the Michigan fanbase melt down this weekend, and it wasn't the good kind of meltdown that destroys evil planets.

HOCKEYBEAR finds foot-ball and basket-hockey to be inferior to ice hockey, but I support Michigan in their endeavors in those sporting competitions because the human I force to write tweets for me supports Michigan in those sports. My human found it most strange that I required him to root for my Nanooks and against the Wolverines this past weekend. However, small humans of Michigan, he recommends you try it sometime. Pick a team that's not a huge rival that you're somewhat partial towards — for some of the posters on this most excellent blog, this team could be EMU, or Oklahoma, or Missouri — and don't just wish them well when they're not playing your Wolverines. Root for them to beat your team and see what it's like to be an outsider looking at how Michigan fans behave. HOCKEYBEAR was sometimes impressed, but sometimes I was also very, very ENRAGED.

Michigan fans expect a lot from their teams and are right to be disappointed by this weekend's hockey and basket-ball defeats. Michigan fans are lucky to have some of the most educated and well-reasoned blogs and forums of the Internet, and I am IMPRESSED at how well you self-police against the infinity of human stupidity. Even HOCKEYBEAR has problems policing that. It is good to have high expectations and demand that athletes that represent your school be the leaders and best. HOCKEYBEAR expects this of the Nanooks; HOCKEYBEAR expects it of every school, really.

I am going to quote what I wrote in my hockey series preview on Yost Built: "I am INFURIATED that the Michigan 'faithful' are so willing to abandon their team during a down season, by which they mean a season where the Wolverines might not make the tournament that my 'nooks have made ONCE."

It is one thing to be disappointed when your team doesn't meet expectations. It is another thing to abandon them and disrespect them and write things like "What a shame it would be to waste time on these [delete] [revise] [delete again] fellows when the basketball team is such a joy." This is especially true when your team is not a professional team. Support your team through thick and thin. You are lucky that most of your times are good times. You are disappointed because your foot-ball team went 8-5. You are frustrated that your hockey team might not make the NCAA tournament for the first time since 1990. You are upset because your basket-ball team lost for the first team all season. (How quickly you forget that it wasn't that long ago that you were very happy that your basket-ball team won the NIT.)

HOCKEYBEAR's Guide to Campus Destruction VII: University of Michigan, South Campus

Greetings once again, small creatures of the University of Michigan! HOCKEYBEAR can only assume that's what the acronym scUM stands for -- I probably should have asked someone at Michigan State or Ohio State before I destroyed their campuses.

Anyway, the day of reckoning you've feared since the CCHA schedule was released is at hand! The mighty HOCKEYBEAR, leading my indomitable team of Alaska Nanooks, is heading to Yost Ice Arena for the ultimate conference showdown. And I'm going to be making a few changes when I get there.

Before getting into those changes, I must tell you an AMAZING HOCKEYBEAR FACT! Did you know I can change my size at will? It's true! You can see it my famous intro videos. Here, I'm large enough to dwarf an icebreaker:

But one cut later, I'm small enough to fit in an F-16 cockpit. A little bit later, I'm back to normal space polar bear size, skating comfortably on the Carlson Center ice:

If necessary, HOCKEYBEAR can also shrink in size as well. You may think that, in this still from my 2011-12 season video, I'm standing on a giant hockey puck:

That's not true. I miniaturized myself and was standing on top of a regulation three-inch diameter puck. Saved UAF thousands in set construction.

My ability to change size extends to objects I'm touching when I expand or contract. Because you scUM have been so respectful to HOCKEYBEAR over the past several years, I will use my powers less to destroy your athletic campus and more to renovate it. Don't worry, destruction fans: there will be lots of collateral damage.

Finale

There is no way I am featuring a picture of the gawdawful uniforms that adidas and Dave Brandon put Michigan in today.
(Al Messerschmidt/Getty Images)

Endings are difficult.  Arthur Miller famously once said "If I see an ending, I can work backwards."  But now, on the day meant to signify new beginnings, Michigan has one, in part by ending one of the most fascinating, mercurial, and maddening chapters in Michigan football history, the Denard Robinson era.

The oddest thing about today is I'm not even that mad.  Like, not even close.  I figured with the suspensions that Michigan was going to get blown out of the water by the Gamecocks as if they have loaded up the cannons on the Raymond James Stadium pirate ship and fired a broadside.  Early on, it looked like that was going to be the script for the day, with the depleted secondary getting gashed for huge plays by South Carolina, and a punt return touchdown by Ace Sanders.  But, as they had done all year, somehow Michigan was only down 21-13 at the half and they had a chance.  A scoreless third quarter for the Michigan defense, coupled with a field goal and a touchdown (with a failed two point conversion) and Michigan had its first lead of the day.  Carolina jumped back into the lead, only to see Michigan stake themselves back to a slim one point lead on Jeremy Gallon's second TD catch of the day.  So you need a hold, you need a stop, not letting the Gamecocks get in to field goal position.  But missed tackles, missed opportunities, and the next thing you know, Spurrier digs deep into the Fun 'n' Gun archives, pulled up four verts, and as Mike Leach famously said, well, it gets the prom queen.  Touchdown Gamecocks, and Michigan's one last chance was a batted Devin Gardner pass from behind, a fitting cap to a somewhat frustrating season.

But you know, I've come to accept that this happens.  This is what happens when you have holes in your depth from a previous regime, when you face a difficult road schedule, when you have gaps on your lines.  You can outscheme, you can maximize your talent, and sometimes, you can pull off miracles.  But you cannot expect miracles, less they become less miraculous.  But what I love about college football is as much about the flaws as it is about perfection.  Denard Robinson was never the greatest pure passing quarterback, but when I think back about him, I'm not going to remember the shaky passes off the back foot, I'm going to remember the bursts, the cuts, the way he slaps the turf every time he gets tackled, as if he believed in his mind he was just one quick cut away from breaking it for another touchdown.  But yes, there were flaws, and we can spend time pondering whether the coaches should have reevaluated the talent situation back in the spring.  But that's hindsight and it gets you nowhere.  You can make every case every which way about what could have been, what might have been, but in the end, 8-5, losses to the two national title game participants, an undefeated Ohio State team, and very good Nebraska and South Carolina teams.

So I'm not sure when I look back on 2012 if I'm going to remember the losses, because the wins gave us a couple of amazing moments.  Brendan Gibbons making good on the Drew Dileo "the threat" catch to end the losing streak to Michigan State for Win 900.  The improbable Roy Roundtree catch to set up the tie that led to Michigan's eventual win over Northwestern.  The smile on Al Wistert's face when he got an ovation for the Legends jersey that will be the #11 of the Wistert brothers.  Denard making two Ohio State players hit him simultaneously from the left and right and keep on chugging for a touchdown.  It doesn't mean that I'm happy with this season.  It's more about choosing to see the positives while acknowledging, but not dwelling upon, the flaws.

So we see the Denard era begin to take on the sepia tones of the past, the Jordan Kovacs era become part of the larger tapestry of 132 other teams of Michigan football.  April will bring us spring practice, and more questions.  August will bring us fall camp and some answers.  And on August 31, Michigan will face Central Michigan at the Big House for the start of Team 134's time in the spotlight.  There will be great moments, there will be cringes, there will be highs and lows, and a lot of in between.  But thank you Team 133.  I don't think this year was what you wanted it to be, but it doesn't mean that it wasn't something we'll remember.

Nik Stauskas is from Canada? Hey, I'm from Canada!

The second in a hopefully-not-ongoing series.

Stauskamania has taken Ann Arbor by storm, and it's brought a wave of Canadaphilia with it! Tim Horton's locations are popping up everywhere! Not only has Timmie's opened up a 24/7 location on South University, they are starting construction on a new location at S. State and Ellsworth! Most ominously of all, the Tim Horton's website claims the Big House is a Tim's location!

But there's more to Canada than Tim Horton's! There's also Justin Bieber!

You know what, guys? I can't fake this anymore. If you want to make a big deal out of a guy who's played eight college games, we're cool with that. We like it when 'mer'ca pays attention. We get passive-aggressive when you don't and do things like let Aaron Sorkin name his crappy show The Newsroom when there already was a Canadian show called The Newsroom which was a million times better. And we're not joking when we say that, by having scored 111 points against D-I competition, Nik Stauskas is already a lock for the Canadian Basketball Hall of Fame. (Craig can chime in here and testify that it is, in the literal sense, a hallway.) But we're not cool with the obvious Canadian stereotypes. If you want to impress your Canadian girlfriend, you have to go the extra kilometre and know all the non-obvious stereotypes. When we say "Sorry, eh?" you don't get any cred for noticing the "eh." You get your cred for noticing the subtle vowel shift in the "o."

Archer went with the non-obvious stereotypes and created the funniest
Canadian-themed episode ever! They even cast the Trailer Park Boys and
didn't care that they were horrible voice actors!

Bieber? Although I am loathe to slag my hometown bro, we do have other musicians. Some of them are even widely considered to be good! And if you say Nickelback or Carly Rae Jepsen, you'll learn how false the stereotype of Canadian politeness can be. Bieber's not even the best musician from London, Ontario. We have listenable rap in Canada now! And if you can't name ten good musicians from Vancouver, not only should you not be slagging Canada for Nickelback, you really shouldn't be discussing popular music at all.

"The Old Prince Still Lives At Home" video should have gone viral.

HOCKEYBEAR's Guide to Campus Destruction VI: Iowa State University

HOCKEYBEAR is not a bear to argue with success. When I created an army of radioactive ants to destroy the University of Phoenix, not only did they succeed in wiping out all of its locations in HOCKEYBEAR's plane of existence, they breached the very fabric between fiction and reality and caused the closure of 115 Phoenix branches in the universe you small humans inhabit.

So when HOCKEYBEAR fan MGoShoe requested that I follow up my demolition of the University of Phoenix with a rampage of DeVry Unversity, I knew what I had to do. I fueled up my F-16 and set course for the radioactive ant homeworld, where my army of ants had retired after completing their epic destruction. Having built themselves a quiet and tranquil anthill, they were reluctant to return to Earth for this extra mission but agreed on the condition that HOCKEYBEAR provide them with 100 megatons of Earth sugar.

Due to my affiliation with the University of Alaska, HOCKEYBEAR is required to buy American whenever possible. On my way back to Earth, I stopped by the Galactibank to convert enough galactic credits to Earth currency to purchase the sugar. Or so I thought. When I landed in the U.S. to buy my sugar pile, I was ENRAGED to discover that the price of sugar in the U.S. is more than twice its price in Canada!

He eventually tried to nick some sugar from HOCKEYBEAR.
His tea-drinking days are now over.

What could be the cause of this discrepancy? According to the Cato Institute, U.S. sugar prices are artificially inflated to support the corn industry! And what state gains the most from a propped-up corn industry? IOWA. HOCKEYBEAR has always been suspicious of Iowa's mysterious lack of hockey:

For the purposes of this map, HOCKEYBEAR defines the presence
of hockey to mean either a D-I or a D-III team.

And now I learn they game the political process so that their corn industry is protected and HOCKEYBEAR has to pay way too much for sugar! I am ready to RAMPAGE, but which school should I rampage?

You escape this time, Hawkeyes, because your nickname kind of sounds like "hockey." Also because HOCKEYBEAR wants to make references to The Home Economics Story.

How Freekbass woke up the echoes

During last Friday's MAC Championship game, I happened to catch the PSA that Northern Illinois's Department of University Relations ran during the game. By the hammer of Grabthar, it was horrible! Good university ads do not use a font that's a seemingly random mixture of small and capital letters. Good university ads do not use a bizarre strobe effect when showing their title cards. Good university ads typically spotlight more photogenic professors or, better still, don't spotlight any professors at all.

NIU won the game 40-37 in double overtime and crashed the BCS, overcoming the losing psychology of weasel ex-head coach Dave Doeren, whose bizarre decision to sit on two timeouts at the end of regulation would have been blamed for their defeat.

Dating back to Every Day Should be Saturday's classic "YOUR SCHOOL'S PROMOTIONAL AD IS TEH SUX0RZ" series, every university-produced ad that has been met with howls of derisive laughter from both the university's rivals and disinterested observers has been followed by an upswing in the school's football fortunes. Sitting up on their clouds, the football gods must smile upon schools that don't waste their money on media relations. This is also why the football gods love gritty NFL players from small colleges with cheap ads instead of the glory-boy types from the big-spending schools.