So when HOCKEYBEAR fan MGoShoe requested that I follow up my demolition of the University of Phoenix with a rampage of DeVry Unversity, I knew what I had to do. I fueled up my F-16 and set course for the radioactive ant homeworld, where my army of ants had retired after completing their epic destruction. Having built themselves a quiet and tranquil anthill, they were reluctant to return to Earth for this extra mission but agreed on the condition that HOCKEYBEAR provide them with 100 megatons of Earth sugar.
Due to my affiliation with the University of Alaska, HOCKEYBEAR is required to buy American whenever possible. On my way back to Earth, I stopped by the Galactibank to convert enough galactic credits to Earth currency to purchase the sugar. Or so I thought. When I landed in the U.S. to buy my sugar pile, I was ENRAGED to discover that the price of sugar in the U.S. is more than twice its price in Canada!
|He eventually tried to nick some sugar from HOCKEYBEAR.|
His tea-drinking days are now over.
|For the purposes of this map, HOCKEYBEAR defines the presence|
of hockey to mean either a D-I or a D-III team.
The Home Economics Story.
TARGET: IOWA STATE UNIVERSITY (A.K.A. THE HIGH SCHOOL AFTER HIGH SCHOOL)
- benefiting for protectionist trade policies that force HOCKEYBEAR to pay too much for sugar
- insisting that its state's caucus be first in the nation, thereby making the presidential election campaign last forever and driving the American populace to almost HOCKEYBEARLIKE levels of rage
- making a recruitment video so sexist it was even sexist by 1950s standards
|That hat better not be made from polar bear fur.|
|Polar bears exhibit more sexual dimorphism than humans, but female polar|
bears would still utterly destroy you for this.
You know what, Iowa State? You're not worth it. HOCKEYBEAR is just going to throw the entire campus into a giant blender. Let's see if that's the kind of physics you like.
|What? You mean I need to be subservient to HOCKEYBEAR?|
With Iowa State's campus converted into a concrete smoothie, HOCKEYBEAR will get back into my jet and head to D.C., where I'll tell Congress they'll be on their way over a most-definitely-not fiscal cliff if they don't repeal the corn protectionism laws, posthaste. Once Congress has done its job for the first time in several decades, HOCKEYBEAR will purchase 100 megatons of made-in-America sugar to coax his radioactive ants out of retirement. After a round-trip to their homeworld, the radioactive ants are unleashed in Downers Grove, Illinois and set out across the continent, devouring all 95 DeVry locations. HOCKEYBEAR thinks DeVry's shareholders will find that day to be a real downer!
Next time: HOCKEYBEAR has to go to North Pole to help Santa get his new radar-cloaking devices installed in time for Christmas, but I'll be back in time for Alaska's visit to Yost in January!
HOCKEYBEAR is a renowned primeval force of destruction known for his appearances in University of Alaska hockey intro videos. When not traveling across the galaxy destroying planets and stars, he lives in Fairbanks and supports his hometown Nanooks. You can follow HOCKEYBEAR's satirical path of destruction and links to cute polar bear videos on Twitter at @AKhockeybear.