HOCKEYBEAR thought real friends would have stayed

1/11/2013 – Alaska 5, Michigan 4 – 7-8-4, 5-7-3-1 CCHA
1/12/2013 – Alaska 4, Michigan 1 – 8-8-4, 6-7-3-1 CCHA
1/13/2013 – Michigan 53, Ohio State 56 – 16-1, 3-1 Big Ten

Photo by Paul McCarthy via alaskananooks.com

YOU CAN'T GO ON. YOU'LL GO ON.

Yost Arena getting pretty empty. Fans making there way to the exits as the 'Nooks lead 4-1.
— Nanooks Hockey Blog (@NanookHockey) January 13, 2013

Primeval forces of destruction like me do not usually have Twitter accounts. HOCKEYBEAR remembers many æons ago in Internet time, when there was something of a fad among commenter trolls that they weren't really "trolling," they were engaging in a "sociological experiment." Of course, I scoff at this notion — these so-called experimenters did not collect the required informed consent forms, did not follow the principles set forth in the Declaration of Helsinki, and did not publish their results in any peer-reviewed publications. However, the term came to mind as HOCKEYBEAR watched the Michigan fanbase melt down this weekend, and it wasn't the good kind of meltdown that destroys evil planets.

HOCKEYBEAR finds foot-ball and basket-hockey to be inferior to ice hockey, but I support Michigan in their endeavors in those sporting competitions because the human I force to write tweets for me supports Michigan in those sports. My human found it most strange that I required him to root for my Nanooks and against the Wolverines this past weekend. However, small humans of Michigan, he recommends you try it sometime. Pick a team that's not a huge rival that you're somewhat partial towards — for some of the posters on this most excellent blog, this team could be EMU, or Oklahoma, or Missouri — and don't just wish them well when they're not playing your Wolverines. Root for them to beat your team and see what it's like to be an outsider looking at how Michigan fans behave. HOCKEYBEAR was sometimes impressed, but sometimes I was also very, very ENRAGED.

Michigan fans expect a lot from their teams and are right to be disappointed by this weekend's hockey and basket-ball defeats. Michigan fans are lucky to have some of the most educated and well-reasoned blogs and forums of the Internet, and I am IMPRESSED at how well you self-police against the infinity of human stupidity. Even HOCKEYBEAR has problems policing that. It is good to have high expectations and demand that athletes that represent your school be the leaders and best. HOCKEYBEAR expects this of the Nanooks; HOCKEYBEAR expects it of every school, really.

I am going to quote what I wrote in my hockey series preview on Yost Built: "I am INFURIATED that the Michigan 'faithful' are so willing to abandon their team during a down season, by which they mean a season where the Wolverines might not make the tournament that my 'nooks have made ONCE."

It is one thing to be disappointed when your team doesn't meet expectations. It is another thing to abandon them and disrespect them and write things like "What a shame it would be to waste time on these [delete] [revise] [delete again] fellows when the basketball team is such a joy." This is especially true when your team is not a professional team. Support your team through thick and thin. You are lucky that most of your times are good times. You are disappointed because your foot-ball team went 8-5. You are frustrated that your hockey team might not make the NCAA tournament for the first time since 1990. You are upset because your basket-ball team lost for the first team all season. (How quickly you forget that it wasn't that long ago that you were very happy that your basket-ball team won the NIT.)

HOCKEYBEAR's Guide to Campus Destruction VII: University of Michigan, South Campus

Greetings once again, small creatures of the University of Michigan! HOCKEYBEAR can only assume that's what the acronym scUM stands for -- I probably should have asked someone at Michigan State or Ohio State before I destroyed their campuses.

Anyway, the day of reckoning you've feared since the CCHA schedule was released is at hand! The mighty HOCKEYBEAR, leading my indomitable team of Alaska Nanooks, is heading to Yost Ice Arena for the ultimate conference showdown. And I'm going to be making a few changes when I get there.

Before getting into those changes, I must tell you an AMAZING HOCKEYBEAR FACT! Did you know I can change my size at will? It's true! You can see it my famous intro videos. Here, I'm large enough to dwarf an icebreaker:

But one cut later, I'm small enough to fit in an F-16 cockpit. A little bit later, I'm back to normal space polar bear size, skating comfortably on the Carlson Center ice:

If necessary, HOCKEYBEAR can also shrink in size as well. You may think that, in this still from my 2011-12 season video, I'm standing on a giant hockey puck:

That's not true. I miniaturized myself and was standing on top of a regulation three-inch diameter puck. Saved UAF thousands in set construction.

My ability to change size extends to objects I'm touching when I expand or contract. Because you scUM have been so respectful to HOCKEYBEAR over the past several years, I will use my powers less to destroy your athletic campus and more to renovate it. Don't worry, destruction fans: there will be lots of collateral damage.

HOCKEYBEAR's Guide to Campus Destruction

Greetings once again, small humans of Michigan! I, HOCKEYBEAR, destroyer of planets, planetesimals, continents, nations, states, provinces, universities, colleges, etc., am pleased to announced that I will be writing a guest column at the Hoover Street Rag during college egghockey season!

Sometimes, as I curl up in my den to relax after completing a destructive mission of vital importance, I think back to the fear and trembling I leave in my wake, which leads my to think of Fear and Trembling by Søren Kierkegaard - a great northern soul, just like HOCKEYBEAR - and I ask myself, "Is it all worth it, HOCKEYBEAR? The destruction, the collateral damage, the smoking craters? Wouldn't it be better to just relax in my den, venture out occasionally to eat every part of some Chena River fish and some locally-grown potatoes, and pursue a life of quiet contemplation?"

But eventually I come to my senses and say Fah! to that line of thinking. Destruction can be a force for good. Destruction can inspire, or pump up, a crowd, as viewers of my videos are well aware. Destruction is necessary so that the old can be replaced by the new. Nowhere is this more true as in the modern academy, where new advances in knowledge and in technology make constant rebuilding and renovation necessary. With those thoughts in mind, I present to you:

HOCKEYBEAR's Guide to Campus Destruction!

The naive reader may think that my first column will be about how to destroy the University of Alabama, the first opponent the small humans of Michigan play in egghockey. But that is not the case: HOCKEYBEAR has no interest in your dull egghockey rivalries. The University of Michigan is clearly superior to the University of Alabama in Tuscaloosa because it has a high-level hockey team, and Alabama does not. The finest institution of higher learning in Alabama is Alabama-Huntsville, a school that bravely tries to compete in the highest levels of college hockey despite being located in a sweltering southeastern clime.

Instead, the first campus I shall destroy in my column is one that will hit close to home for many readers from Michigan, but fortunately, an adequate distance away from home itself: North Campus shall feel my wrath!

Northeast #4: Alaska

University of Alaska Nanooks

4 seed vs. Boston College, Northeast Regional (DCU Centre, Worcester, MA)
At-large bid from the CCHA
Record: 18-11-9
Coach: Dallas Ferguson<

Last year, Alaska found itself on the outside looking in. Behind a stingy defense and superb goaltending from senior Chad Johnson, it had secured a first-round bye in the CCHA playoffs and home ice in the second round, which it used to eliminate Ohio State in a hard-fought 3-game series, winning the rubber match 1-0. But the Nanooks ran into Michigan in the CCHA semifinals and then dropped the third place game to Northern Michigan, which left them on the wrong side of the bubble.

Still, it was a successful first year for coach Dallas Ferguson, and the Nanooks have built on it to earn the program's first ever trip to the NCAA tournament. Chad Johnson was practically irreplaceable, with his .940 SV% and 1.66 GAA, but sophomore Scott Greenham is sporting a respectable .918/2.20. One area of considerable improvement is on the offensive side of the ice. Last year's team desperately needed Johnson, as they scored only 1.90 goals per game. This year, the Nanooks are up to a much healthier 2.82 GPG. They're led in goals and points by senior center Dion Knelsen (19-23--42), who nearly doubled his team-leading 10 (10!) goals from last year. Freshman RW Andy Taranto (17-24--25) is the leader in assists and penalty minutes (50).

And then hockey bear destroyed the world, was trapped in an underwater ice prison, escaped, sunk a freighter, and flew an F-16 that bombed MSU, OSU, and Miami, before blowing up the Earth.