Michigan Defense Theater: The Return - Experiment 1704: Purdilicus

INT. SCHEMBECHLER INSTITUTE

NOAH FURBUSH is piloting a spaceship while hitting a huge pile of AEROSPACE ENGINEERING textbooks.

WARDE MANUEL

What is he doing?

SUSIE HENDERSON

That's Noah Furbush, one of our top linebackers. He's probably working on a drone control algorithm for his capstone project. He's returning with the largest cache of Stephen Ross donations the world has ever seen.

WARDE MANUEL

That's really going to help with our funding problems at Schembechler Institute.

[blows nose with $100 bill]

A DISTRESS SIGNAL appears on the radar.

TV'S SON ON TV'S GERG

Five, four, three, two, one. Blog trap initiated. Mayday!

NOAH

Someone needs my help. This is Noah Furbush from the Schembechler Institute, I'm preparing to land.

A PNEUMATIC TUBE appears and sucks up NOAH FURBUSH.

THEME SONG

In the not-too-distant future, next Saturday A.D.
There was a guy named Noah, so much taller than you or me
He worked at Schembechler Institute
Just another guy in a maize jumpsuit
A distress call came it at five past noon
But an evil Sparty trapped him so he'll have to be a dude

I'll send him speedy runners, the best I can find
He'll have to stop, tackle them all, while I monitor his mind

Now keep it mind that Noah can't control when the runners begin or end
He'll try to keep his sanity with the help of his D-Line friends

Maurice!
Gary!
Chase Wino!
Mooooooone!

If you're wondering how he eats and breathes and other science facts
He's got a meal card and it's set on Earth so you should really just relax
For Michigan Defense Theater 3000!

INT. SATELLITE OF YOST

NOAH

Hi everyone, welcome to the Satellite of Yost. I'm Noah, and these are my friends Chase Wino and Mone.

MONE

You're not my friend!

CHASE WINO

Come on, Mone, Noah is our friend and trusted ally on the rare occasions that a runner gets to the second level.

NOAH

Since we've last been here, we've made a few upgrades. I've added an appetite simulator to Maurice - the good news is that he moves even faster but the bad news is he's always hungry. Gary handles all the higher functions on the Satellite of Yost so I've upgraded him to bigger and faster than you can possible imagine.

And everyone can fly now! But only on the football field.

A RED LIGHT flashes.

NOAH

Dammit, Moon 3-9 is calling.

More Bye Week Follies: Pro Football 1861

There's no kind of post I enjoy writing more than a post that confuses the hell out of Brian Cook. Since dipping for the Adventure Time well worked out last time, here's a review for their fine football video game, Pro Football 1861.

Pro Football 1861 is available in the free version of the Beemo app. B-MO is a character who is essentially a walking, talking, GameBoy. The paid version of the app also include Kompy's Kastle and the delightful Conversation Parade. You also get some ringtones and wallpaper and other stuff kids might like.

Pro Football 1861 features two dueling Abe Lincolns, one controlled by the human (or other sentient creature), and the other by Beemo. CPU Abe throws passes at human Abe, and human Abe moves to kick the passes back over CPU Abe's head.

Each time you successfully kick the football over CPU Abe's head, you earn 33 points. If you need help understanding Al Borges's disapproval of bubble screens, imagine that each pass that CPU Abe throws is a bubble screen and that, if a player on the opposing team kicks it back over Devin Gardner's head, then his team earns 33 points. Under such rules, using bubble screens would indeed by absolute folly.

I'm losing 99-0 because I stopped to take the screenshot.

First one to 999 points wins. You can see why college football has never adopted this rule, as no Michigan State game would ever end.

But I came back to win because I wanted the "YOU WIN" screenshot.

1861 was actually a low point in the history of college football, as Harvard followed Yale's lead and banned all football-type games as overly violent. There was also a war going on which college administrators hopefully thought was of greater importance. However, it would be fun to see an actual football game based on actual reconstructions of various 19th-century rules. Imagine being able to control Team 1 as they battled mighty Racine College!

Pro Football 1861 gets three stars out of four, as it will keep you occupied for 5 to 10 minutes if you need to keep yourself occupied for 5 to 10 minutes. However, it is still a joke game from a cartoon for kids and not an authentic football simulation game; those seeking the latter should consider the Madden series of games, which I understand is quite popular.

Michigan Defense Theater Experiment 1109: "Girl In Gold Pants"

THEME SONG

In the not too distant future, Saturday A.D.

There was a guy named Jordan, not too different from you or me

He worked at Schembechler Institute, just another face in a maize jumpsuit

He did a good job cleaning up the place, but his bosses kinda liked him so they made him play in space

(Curse you GERG!)

We'll send him speedy runners, the best we can find

He'll have to stop, tackle them all as we monitor his mind

Now keep in mind he can't control when the games begin or end

He'll try to keep his sanity with the help of his D-Line friends...

D-LINE ROLL CALL!

Martin! (I'm Captain!)

Heininger! (Left side!)

Van Bergen! (Where've you been?)

Rooooooooooooooooh! (I'm sophomore!)

If you're wondering how he eats and breathes and other science facts

He's got a meal card and it's set on earth so you can really just relax

For Michigan Defense Theater 3000.

FADE IN TO:

INT. SATELLITE OF YOST

JORDAN

Hi, everyone and welcome to the Satellite of Yost. I'm Jordan Kovacs and since I'm out with a bad knee, I'm helping the D-line make motivational bracelets to keep focus on the field. Mine says "WWERD" for "What would Ed Reed do?" Coach Mattison says I could be like him, if I could run a lot faster. What does yours say, Van Bergen?

VAN BERGEN

Mine says "WWTGD" for "What would Tom Gholston do?" I then try and do the opposite.

JORDAN

Well, that's refreshingly bitter. Roh, what's with the bracelet with all the W's?

ROH

It stands for "What would Wade Wilson, Wes Welker, Warren Wells, Wesley Walls, Will Witherspoon, and Whizzer White do?"

HEININGER

I don't think Coach Hoke would like that bracelet. A lot of those guys didn't play for Michigan.

MAGIC VOICE

[sounds a lot like Evan Caminker] I'd like to take a moment to remind the reader that this script is a parody not based on actual events, and the people appearing in this script are public figures.

JORDAN

Thanks, magic voice. Uh-oh, the Mads are calling.

JORDAN pushes the red button.

Michigan vs. Michigan State: Remedial Chaos Theory

Ever wonder why they called it "Greendale" and not "Maizedale"?

INT. DANNY PUDI AND DONALD GLOVER'S APARTMENT, GREENDALE, CO (TIMELINE 2: WHEREIN I WISH IT WERE SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT)

The PIZZA GUY rings the buzzer. EVERYONE touches their noses simultaneously.

JOEL MCHALE

Ugh. OK, staring on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.

DANNY PUDI

Just so you know, Joel, you are now creating six different timelines.

JOEL MCHALE

Of course I am, Danny.

The DIE lands with the number TWO facing up.

Michigan Defense Theater Experiment 1106: "Zook People/Persa A-Go-Go"

THEME SONG

In the not too distant future, Saturday A.D.

There was a guy named Jordan, not too different from you or me

He worked at Schembechler Institute, just another face in a maize jumpsuit

He did a good job cleaning up the place, but his bosses kinda liked him so they made him play in space

(Curse you GERG!)

We'll send him speedy runners, the best we can find

He'll have to stop, tackle them all as we monitor his mind

Now keep in mind he can't control when the games begin or end

He'll try to keep his sanity with the help of his D-Line friends...

D-LINE ROLL CALL!

Martin! (I'm Captain!)

Heininger! (Left side!)

Van Bergen! (Where've you been?)

Rooooooooooooooooh! (I'm sophomore!)

If you're wondering how he eats and breathes and other science facts

He's got a meal card and it's set on earth so you can really just relax

For Michigan Defense Theater 3000.

INT. SATELLITE OF YOST

JORDAN

Hi, everyone and welcome to the Satellite of Yost. I'm Jordan Kovacs and I'm usually accompanied by my pals Roh and Van Bergen, but I don't see them around right now. Martin, can you get me Rocket Number 9?

Rocket Number 9 shows MARTIN, HEININGER, VAN BERGEN, and ROH holding off a disorganized horde of invaders of Minnesota. The horde retreats, and VAN BERGEN and ROH enter the Satellite of Yost.