THEME SONG
In the not too distant future, Saturday A.D.
There was a guy named Jordan, not too different from you or me
He worked at Schembechler Institute, just another face in a maize jumpsuit
He did a good job cleaning up the place, but his bosses kinda liked him so they made him play in space
(Curse you GERG!)
We'll send him speedy runners, the best we can find
He'll have to stop, tackle them all as we monitor his mind
Now keep in mind he can't control when the games begin or end
He'll try to keep his sanity with the help of his D-Line friends...
D-LINE ROLL CALL!
Martin! (I'm Captain!)
Heininger! (Left side!)
Van Bergen! (Where've you been?)
Rooooooooooooooooh! (I'm sophomore!)
If you're wondering how he eats and breathes and other science facts
He's got a meal card and it's set on earth so you can really just relax
For Michigan Defense Theater 3000.
FADE IN TO:
INT. SATELLITE OF YOST
JORDAN
Hi, everyone and welcome to the Satellite of Yost. I'm Jordan Kovacs and since I'm out with a bad knee, I'm helping the D-line make motivational bracelets to keep focus on the field. Mine says "WWERD" for "What would Ed Reed do?" Coach Mattison says I could be like him, if I could run a lot faster. What does yours say, Van Bergen?
VAN BERGEN
Mine says "WWTGD" for "What would Tom Gholston do?" I then try and do the opposite.
JORDAN
Well, that's refreshingly bitter. Roh, what's with the bracelet with all the W's?
ROH
It stands for "What would Wade Wilson, Wes Welker, Warren Wells, Wesley Walls, Will Witherspoon, and Whizzer White do?"
HEININGER
I don't think Coach Hoke would like that bracelet. A lot of those guys didn't play for Michigan.
MAGIC VOICE
[sounds a lot like Evan Caminker] I'd like to take a moment to remind the reader that this script is a parody not based on actual events, and the people appearing in this script are public figures.
JORDAN
Thanks, magic voice. Uh-oh, the Mads are calling.
JORDAN pushes the red button.
CUT TO:
INT. FREEP 13
DREW SHARP
Enjoy your W's while you can, you fools! We've discovered a little fact that is going to leave Brady Hoke with no choice but to suspend Roh, maybe permanently.
TV'S GERG
That's right! According to this week's script, you guys are going to be having some beer, and Roh is underage! That minor in possession charge will knock him out for good.
DREW and TV'S GERG
Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
CUT TO:
INT. SATELLITE OF YOST
JORDAN
But sirs, you've forgotten something important. For tax purposes you built the Satellite of Yost in Windsor. Roh's 20, so it's legal for him to drink here. Martin, can you open up the hexfield?
MARTIN opens up the hexfield to reveal a shopping centre containing ZELLERS, SHOPPERS DRUG MART, a combination HARVEY'S and SWISS CHALET, and an LCBO.
ROH
Whew! That's good news I won't get suspended. But it's bad news that we're in Windsor, eh. [long pause] Wanna go gambling?
CUT TO:
INT. FREEP 13
DREW SHARP
You won't have time to go gambling! I'll put 100:1 odds in favor of you being horrified and appalled by this week's experiment, the mephitic Girl in Gold Pants. Gerg, send up the movie.
CUT TO:
INT. SATELLITE OF YOST
JORDAN, ROH and VAN BERGEN
We've got game film sign!!!
JORDAN, ROH and VAN BERGEN enter the theater.
CUT THROUGH NUMBERED DOORS TO:
EXT. "EAT" DINER AND GAS STATION, DEKALB, ILLINOIS
GOLDY GOPHER
[singing]
Everything I touch turns to gold
Everything I touch turns to gold
Everything I touch turns to gold
QUICK CUT TO:
INT. "EAT" DINER AND GAS STATION, DEKALB, ILLINOIS
JAMIE VANDENBURG
[singing into a spatula]
Everything I touch turns to gold
Everything I touch... turns... to... gold!
KIRK 'BUZ' FERENTZ
[applauds] You know, kid, you've got the ability to be a real star. Come with me to Iowa City and I'll get you set up, just like that! And all I'll ask for in return is companionship and a little gas money.
STEELE JANTZ enters from the kitchen.
STEELE JANTZ
[drunk] Jamie, how many times have I told you to wash those dirty dishes!
JAMIE VANDENBURG
Steele, I've got a customer!
STEELE JANTZ
I'll take care of the customer, you go wash those dishes!
JAMIE VANDENBURG
Mr. Delany hired me to work in the front, and you to work in the back. Do you want to get us fired again? It's only been two months since we lost our jobs at the trophy factory.
STEELE JANTZ
You're just like Bo Pelini! [STEELE slaps JAMIE]
JAMIE VANDENBURG
You're right, I am like him. At least he had the good sense to get away from you!
JAMIE goes to the cash register and takes some money, and then leaves "EAT" together with BUZ.
CUT TO:
INT. SATELLITE OF YOST
ROH
Jordan, what would you say is your most beloved object?
JORDAN
I'd have to say it's my antique, heirloom, drinking jug.
ROH
Well, you're going to take this beer here and pour it all over your precious drinking jug.
HEININGER
Roh, don't you know he'll kill you for that?
JORDAN pours a tall can of NATIONAL BEER into the drinking jug.
JORDAN
[monotonically] Oh no, please don't make me. [stops pouring the beer] You know, Roh, you are also very beloved to me.
ROH
Well then, you take that can of beer and pour it all over me! [JORDAN pours beer over ROH] Yeah, that'll show you, you big oaf!
JORDAN takes his jug and leaves.
ROH
That didn't go the way I imagined it.
VAN BERGEN
We got commercial sign.
CUT TO:
COMMERCIAL BREAK
JOE PATERNO
Come to PENN STATE!
FADE IN TO:
EXT. U.S. ROUTE 30 NEAR ROCK FALLS, ILLINOIS
BUZ and JAMIE are riding in a Ford Escape SUV when they see MARVIN 'CRITTER' MCNUTT, a stranded traveler with a broken motorcycle on the side of the road.
KIRK 'BUZ' FERENTZ
Critter, what the heck are you doing here?
MARVIN 'CRITTER' MCNUTT
My good people, my bike Traveler broke down on the side of this here road on my way to Iowa City. If it would not trouble your kindness too much, would I be able to catch a ride? I can pay my own way with this $100 bill I have.
JAMIE VANDENBURG
A $100 bill? I've never even seen one before.
ROH
He's never seen a hundred dollar bill? I guess that means he's never played for the school in Ohio!
KIRK 'BUZ' FERENTZ
Come on, Critter, this is northwest Illinois! Every man, women, and child here can fix a motorcycle with his or her bare hands. [pauses] Put that thing in the back of the car and let's go.
FADE TO:
INT. FRANK'S PIZZERIA, SILVIS, ILLINOIS, HOME TO THE ORIGINAL QUAD CITIES-STYLE PIZZA AND THAT IS A REAL THING I AM NOT MAKING IT UP AND IT'S ACTUALLY QUITE GOOD
JAMIE and CRITTER are sitting at a table eating thin, rectangular slices of pizza on a crust that is more CRACKER-LIKE than that of your typical pizza.
JAMIE VANDENBURG
I can't get over your name, Critter. What an unusual nickname!
MARVIN 'CRITTER' MCNUTT
Well my good friend, I got my nickname because of my ability to burrow through opposing team's secondaries, and turn what should be short pass plays into 80+ yard touchdowns. Also, my last name is "McNutt," and that reminds people of squirrels.
KIRK 'BUZ' FERENTZ magically and instantaneously appears at the table.
VAN BERGEN
Thank goodness only their coach can do that or we'd never be able to keep contain.
KIRK 'BUZ' FERENTZ
This place only takes cash and they seem like the kind of place that'd be able to break a hundred. Whaddaya say, Critter, old pal?
MARVIN 'CRITTER' MCNUTT
Aren't you the coach whose salary makes him the highest paid public employee in the state of Iowa while I'm just a player barely scraping through on inadequate scholarship funds?
KIRK 'BUZ' FERENTZ
I, uh, left my wallet in my other pants.
FADE TO:
INT. NILE KINNICK STADIUM, IOWA CITY, IOWA
KIRK 'BUZ' FERENTZ
OK, guys, we need an offensive game plan to stop the resurgent Michigan defense. Now that TV's Gerg is no longer in charge, we can't assume they'll make 15 boneheaded calls per drive.
JAMIE VANDENBURG
Why don't I throw some quick slants and hitches to Critter here, and he can take them downfield to the house? He's dangerous in space.
KIRK 'BUZ' FERENTZ
True, but under Mattison the Michigan D doesn't give up on plays anymore. Did you see the way they forced Ronnie Hillman into fumbling twenty yards downfield?
VAN BERGEN
Woo-hoo, shout out! I did that!
Iowa dance team head coach JENNY EUSTICE enters, wearing GOLD SWEATPANTS after leading an intense practice session.
JENNY EUSTICE
Hey guys, I've got some ideas on how to rip the Michigan defense to shreds and stop Denard Robinson too. Wanna hear 'em?
KIRK 'BUZ' FERENTZ
Why not? My ideas weren't good enough to beat Minnesota.
CUT THROUGH NUMBERED DOORS TO:
INT. SATELLITE OF YOST
JORDAN
I bet you guys thought that "Jamie Vandenburg" was the "Girl in Gold Pants" mentioned in the movie title. It's not like that at all; we were just pulling a little Mrs. Doubtfire joke on the readers.
VAN BERGEN
That's right, Jordan. As Michigan Men, we would never degrade an opponent by calling him feminine, as that would be offensive to Mr. Vandenburg and it would be implying that women are inferior to men. Of course, if we were playing a team with a female player, we would never degrade her by mocking her as being overly masculine.
ROH
The president and five of the eight regents of the University of Michigan are women, and we wouldn't dream of disappointing them with crude, misogynist humor.
HEININGER
I only agreed to play the role of "Gypsy" because we are an all-male defensive line and somebody needed to do it. Plus, when you're playing a robot, does gender matter that much, outside of that wrestling-themed episode of Futurama?
Lights start STROBING and FLASHING in the Satellite of Yost.
JORDAN, HEININGER, ROH and VAN BERGEN
We've got game film sign!!!
FADE IN TO:
INT. NILE KINNICK STADIUM, IOWA CITY, IOWA
JENNY EUSTICE
...and that's how to keep Denard to under 100 yards both passing and rushing without resorting to blatant thuggery!
BUZ, CRITTER, AND JAMIE
Wow, that's incredible strategy! But what should we do on offense?
JENNY EUSTICE
Well, Jamie's got the right idea here, hurling the ball downfield to Critter and take advantage of the weak spots in the Michigan secondary, provided he's got enough time to throw. We're going to see a lot of different line formations and blitz packages to get pressure on Jamie, so our O-Line has to play a great game to handle all their tricks. I've diagrammed a possible play here:
KIRK 'BUZ' FERENTZ
Well, Jenny, thanks for doing my job this week! Really takes the heat off after my performance last week. I'll get back to work on our offensive strategy immediately after consuming a tall ice-cold National Beer.
The movie ends with a freeze-frame of BUZ, CRITTER, JAMIE, and JENNY raising a round of drinks in the game film room.
CUT THROUGH NUMBERED DOORS TO:
INT. SATELLITE OF YOST
JORDAN
Well guys, I think that makes it pretty clear what you've got to do. Get pressure on Vandenburg while my pals in the secondary make sure to get in good position and take the right angles to keep Iowa from making big plays. But I'm more concerned about all the drinking in this film. What kind of example does that set for the kids? Especially with that drunkard Steele in the kitchen at EAT?
VAN BERGEN
Oh, don't worry, Jordan. I bet Steele's got himself cleaned up and has opened up a chain of EATs. In fact, I've been to the one in Ypsilanti. It's not bad!
ROH
Now I remember! Coach Hoke said he used to eat at the one by Ball State's campus when he was there.
HEININGER
According to the satellite's computers, there are also EATs in Kalamazoo, Toledo, Akron, and even Buffalo and Philadelphia!
JORDAN
I'll have to check it out. Some Hershey bars and apple pie should help my knee get fixed up good as new.
MAGIC VOICE
[sounds a lot like Paul Schmidt] The Michigan Athletic Department has no comment as to whether or not Jordan's knee injury requires the administration of Hershey bars and apple pie.
JORDAN
What do you think, sirs?
CUT TO:
INT. FREEP 13
DREW SHARP
We're going to need some salacious material if we plan on continuing to perform "journalism" in the future and, since Goldy Gopher is down on his luck, we've hired him to come here to perform for us in gold pants. [doorbell rings] Ah, there he is now. Gerg, get the door, will you?
TV'S GERG opens the door to find MITCH ALBOM wearing a pair of extra-small gold lamé pants. They are still LOOSE-FITTING on him, thank GOD.
TV'S GERG
Mitch Albom!? What are you doing here?
MITCH ALBOM
Goldy couldn't make it. His buddy Floyd invited him to a surprise victory party, so he sent me instead. Don't worry though, I've already written an article for the Sunday News & Free Press about Goldy's visit here and we'll be able to use it to mock him in follow-up articles until we retire!
The Girl In Gold Pants theme starts playing. MITCH ALBOM starts gyrating to the music. Somehow, he is awarded the RED SMITH AWARD for interpretive dance.
MITCH ALBOM
I'm an icky elf!
DREW SHARP
[disgusted] Push the button, Gerg.
CLOSING CREDITS
Thanks to the authors of the FIRST AMENDMENT and the TEACHERS OF AMERICA. Thanks to MY WIFE for the most excellent FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS reference, and EASTERN IOWA NEWS NOW for the picture below. Thanks to the PROVINCE OF ONTARIO for paying for the scriptwriter's education from junior kindergarten through four years of university. Congratulations to JERRY KILL for his first Big Ten win, but curse MARQUEIS GRAY for forcing me to hastily edit this script on Saturday night. Read THE EDITING ROOM: it's their format I'm ripping off when I write MDT3K. Get well soon, JORDAN KOVACS. Keep circulating the TAPES.
STINGER
A.J. DERBY
[punching a school bus window] If you're the town drunk of Iowa City, you've got a problem.
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