THEME SONG
In the not too distant future, Saturday A.D.
There was a guy named Jordan, not too different from you or me
He worked at Schembechler Institute, just another face in a maize jumpsuit
He did a good job cleaning up the place, but his bosses kinda liked him so they made him play in space
(Curse you GERG!)
We'll send him speedy runners, the best we can find
He'll have to stop, tackle them all as we monitor his mind
Now keep in mind he can't control when the games begin or end
He'll try to keep his sanity with the help of his D-Line friends...
D-LINE ROLL CALL!
Martin! (I'm Captain!)
Heininger! (Left side!)
Van Bergen! (Where've you been?)
Rooooooooooooooooh! (I'm sophomore!)
If you're wondering how he eats and breathes and other science facts
He's got a meal card and it's set on earth so you can really just relax
For Michigan Defense Theater 3000.
FADE IN TO:
INT. SATELLITE OF YOST
JORDAN
Hi, everyone. It's just a regular Thursday in most of Windsor, but it's Thanksgiving here at the Satellite of Yost. I'm Jordan Kovacs and the D-line and I are counting the things we are thankful for.
ROH
I'm thankful for Coach Hoke and Coach Mattison for finally teaching me how to play defense. And I'm thankful for Coach Borges for improving the offense to the point where we don't have to carry them anymore.
JORDAN
Roh, I'm not looking for sarcasm right now! We should be genuinely grateful for Coach Borges and the offense, who help us out when we're not at our best. Although, admittedly, it's been a while since we haven't been at our best.
VAN BERGEN
I'm thankful for Jim Delany and Don Beebe, who have worked together to make the Big Ten bigger and better than ever.
HEININGER
I'm thankful for the 100,000+ fans that come out and support us every home game. I'd name every one, but we do need to play a game on Saturday.
JORDAN
Indeed you should thank them, Heininger. And I'm even thankful for the Mads, who have furnished the Satellite of Yost with a fabulous stuffed animal collection. Hey, they're calling right now.
JORDAN pushes the red button.
CUT TO:
INT. FREEP 13
DREW SHARP
This week I've decided to take a break and let TV's Gerg handle the invention. What could possibly go wrong? Take it away, Gerg.
TV'S GERG
Have you been subject to taunting, threats, or even violence as a result of your Michigan fandom? Especially from fans of schools who know deep down that, no matter how many times their favorite team may best Michigan on the athletic field, any Michigan graduate can rebut their boasts of superiority by logging on to usnews.com and saying, "Scoreboard?" Well I have the answer for you. It's the camouflage Michigan shirt, where you can where the maize and blue with pride without your rivals ever knowing.
DREW SHARP
Ugh, that's repulsive. Where the hell is the maize and blue? And what the heck is "gulo gulo"?
TV'S GERG
Glad you asked, Drew. According to the Michigan Identity Guidelines, the official web colors for maize and blue are #FFCC33 and #000066, respectively. If you average these two colors in CIELAB perceptual color space, you end up with #FFC8C6, or bright pink! So instead of wearing maize and blue separately, you wear them together and no one is the wiser! And "gulo gulo" is the taxonomic name for wolverine. You don't have to worry about an angry rival fan knowing something like that.
DREW SHARP
Well, Gerg, that's absolutely inane. What did you idiots over there come up with this week?
CUT TO:
INT. SATELLITE OF YOST
JORDAN
Well, sirs, the latest trend in sideline playcalling is large placards featuring random-seeming images, like the ones they use at Oregon. In keeping with Coach Hoke's mantra about the Michigan Team, we've decided to make playcalling signs using famous Michigan alumni as the images! For example, suppose Roh and I are suppose to show blitz on the right side, but fall back into coverage. You could signal that play like this:
JORDAN
In the upper left we've got Claude Shannon, founder of information theory, telling us to "communicate." Civil War General Benjamin Pritchard tells us to communicate "blitz," and Ann Coulter tells us to do so on the "right." Mike Wallace tells us to "cover," just like he covered the news on 60 Minutes! Roh and Van Bergen, I see you guys have made a sign as well.
VAN BERGEN
That's right, Jordan. As far as we're concerned, the D-Line is doing just fine, and it's you guys in the secondary and the linebackers that need to step it up. So we've made a sign featuring Arthur Miller and Apollo 15 Commander David Scott to say "make plays in space."
ROH
And to drive home the point, the bottom half of the sign features Jazz Age playwright Avery Hopwood and Space Emperor of Space Zoltan Mesko, again saying "make plays in space!"
CUT TO:
INT. FREEP 13
DREW SHARP
If I could sum up this week's experiment with four pictures, they'd just be different poses of me retching and vomiting at your silly antics. Instead, I'll just tell you that it's called Brady Hoke Conquers the Buckeyes. It's got Gene Smith in it or something. Gerg, send them their film.
CUT TO:
INT. SATELLITE OF YOST
JORDAN, ROH and VAN BERGEN
We've got game film sign!!!
CUT THROUGH NUMBERED DOORS TO:
INT. OHIO STADIUM, COLUMBUS, OH
Ohio head coach LUKE FICKELL and athletic director GENE SMITH survey the situation glumly.
LUKE FICKELL
Our players, fans, and children are so sad! All they do is sit around and watch Michigan programs.
BOMAR and GIRMAR are sitting in front of the television watching HOME IMPROVEMENT.
BOMAR
I'm sad because I got kicked out of Oklahoma over $18,000 in illegal benefits and, as a result, my NFL career ended with me being cut in favor of Sage Rosenfels. If I had come to Ohio, I could have made six figures during college and still be playing on Sundays.
GIRMAR
My husband bought me a Golden Globe Award, but my acting career is still the butt of jokes to this day. It's very disheartening.
Offensive co-ordinator JIM BOLLMAN enters, scowls, and twirls his mustache.
JIM BOLLMAN
Why should we care if our children are sad or about their silly Michigan programs? This is Ohio! We used to be the program of warriors! Of coaches who would run out on the field and tackle opposing players and openly pay their own players! Is this what we've become?
GENE SMITH
Enough Jim, I've had it with the sadness! We're going to go to Michigan and bring their pride and joy, Brady Hoke, here to Ohio to make our players and fans happy again! According to my calculations, we're most likely to find Brady Hoke here. [points to a spot in the mid-Atlantic] Let's go!
FADE TO:
EXT. FINE LINE INK TATTOOS, COLUMBUS, OH
DEVIER 'DROPO' POSEY is sitting on a bench outside the tattoo parlor. FICKELL, BOLLMAN, and SMITH pull over in the OHIO EXPRESS ROCKET-VAN.
JIM BOLLMAN
DeVier, you must be the laziest Buckeye in Ohio. Getting yourself suspended for 10 games? And now you're sitting outside the tattoo parlor again!
DEVIER POSEY
I was only sitting outside the tattoo parlor to remind myself never to go into the tattoo parlor again.
GENE SMITH
[sighs] I suppose we'd better take him along with us.
DEVIER 'DROPO' POSEY climbs into the rocket-van.
FADE TO:
INT. LANE STADIUM, BLACKSBURG, VA
LOGAN THOMAS is practicing passing drills when the Ohio ROCKET-VAN lands on the 50-yard line.
LUKE FICKELL
All right, Brady Hoke, get in the van! You're coming with us to Columbus!
LOGAN THOMAS
What are you talking about? I'm Logan Thomas, QB for the Virginia Tech Hokies! If you're looking for Brady Hoke, you need to go to Ann Arbor. [pause] Oops.
JIM BOLLMAN
[pulls out a phaser] Now that this ACC "football player" knows our plans, we'll have to kill him!
GENE SMITH
No Jim! ESPN made us promise to only kill Big East players. We have to keep the ACC ones alive. Better take him along with us too, though.
CUT TO:
INT. SCHEMBECHLER HALL, ANN ARBOR, MI
LOGAN THOMAS enters BRADY HOKE's office at phaser-point.
BRADY HOKE
Son, I'm afraid you'll have to turn over that Virginia Tech hat. In this office, I want to see Michigan gear and only Michigan gear.
LOGAN THOMAS
[stammers] I'm...I'm afraid I don't have a choice. [takes off hat, gives it to BRADY] The...the Buckeyes made me!
JIM BOLLMAN enters, carrying the phaser. GENE SMITH and LUKE FICKELL follow.
GENE SMITH
Brady Hoke, you're coming with us to Columbus, to teach our kids about joy and football and making plays!
BRADY HOKE
[to LOGAN] It's all right, son. I'll come along. Some problems can never be solved with violence.
CUT THROUGH NUMBERED DOORS TO:
INT. SATELLITE OF YOST
VAN BERGEN
[singing] Open up your heart and let the Lloyd Brady Christmas in.
We'll gather at the Big House with our next of kin.
ROH
And great football can be our Saturday afternoon thing.
We'll decorate one foot of bench and gather round and sing.
JORDAN, HEININGER, ROH and VAN BERGEN
Oh, let's have a Lloyd Brady Christmas this year!
We will fingerwag you if you think we're full of fear!
VAN BERGEN
It's my way or the highway, this Christmas in Ann Ar-r-bor.
I'll have to smash your kneecaps if you bastards touch Denard!
ROH
I got the word that Pryor has been getting free new cars.
I think that sad old Raider should make room for some new scars, ohh,
JORDAN, HEININGER, ROH and VAN BERGEN
Oh, let's have a Lloyd Brady Christmas, one and all.
And this can be the haziest...
This can be the laziest...
This can be the Bradiest
Christmas of them aaallllllllll!
INT. FOX 2 NEWS STUDIO, SOUTHFIELD, MI
SHERRY MARGOLIS
Shock waves resounded across Michigan today as beloved Wolverines coach Brady Hoke has been kidnapped by Buckeyes! From Keweenaw in the northwest to Monroe in the southeast, Michigan's public leaders have pulled together to develop a rescue plan for Coach Hoke. A rocket will soon be on its way to Columbus to rescue him from his captors. For an update on the rocket's progress, we go live to an ongoing press conference in Ann Arbor.
CUT TO:
EXT. FRANCOIS-XAVIER BAGNOUD BUILDING, ANN ARBOR, MI
HARRIS MCOYSTERSTONE
We are hard at work building a rocket to rescue Brady, but our maps of Ohio are so poor. The only directions we know to Columbus are "South until you smell it, east until you step in it." We already have the walking technology to determine when we step in it, but our artificial olfactory technology is not yet ready! We are working around the clock to finish the rocket because we all love Brady!
FADE TO:
INT. OHIO STADIUM, COLUMBUS, OH
DEVIER 'DROPO' POSEY enters, laughing hysterically.
DEVIER POSEY
Oh man, Brady Hoke is hilarious! He tells the best jokes. "What do you call an Ohioan who is completely incapable of expressing excitement about sporting events? Joe Buck-eye!!!" [falls down laughing]
BOMAR and GIRMAR also laugh hysterically, even though the joke is NOT FUNNY. LUKE FICKELL and GENE SMITH enter.
GENE SMITH
Brady, I'm glad to see you getting along so well with Bomar and Girmar. And you've made them smile again. But now it's time to see what we've brought you here for.
CUT TO:
INT. DREESE LABORATORIES, COLUMBUS, OH
LUKE FICKELL
This is our greatest invention, the Play-o-tron 1000. If you input the right parameters, it will develop the perfect playcall for any game situation! For example, suppose I'm up by seven after just scoring a touchdown. What does the Play-o-tron say?
LUKE FICKELL pushes a button. The PLAY-O-TRON 1000 whirrs, gears turn, belts convey, and at the end of the line a piece of paper is printed.
GENE SMITH
This play says to go for two. I'm not so sure about that - better send it to Illinois.
LUKE FICKELL
Well, let's see how it says we should defend 3rd and short against Joe Bauserman. [pushes some buttons on the PLAY-O-TRON, waits for printout] It says we should put 11 in the box and ignore the pass entirely. Sounds reasonable.
GENE SMITH
Brady, we need you to design some plays on the Play-o-tron to make our kids happy again!
BRADY HOKE pushes some buttons and produces some clever plays. After a hard day's work, everyone leaves happily.
CUT TO:
INT. DREESE LABORATORIES (AT NIGHT), COLUMBUS, OH
JIM BOLLMAN enters, looks around sneakily, and opens a panel on the PLAY-O-TRON 1000. He switches the red and blue wires.
JIM BOLLMAN
By switching up the wires on the Play-o-tron, the plays it spits out will be utter nonsense, and that will convince Luke and Gene to get rid of Brady for good. Bwa-ha-ha!
CUT TO:
INT. DREESE LABORATORIES, COLUMBUS, OH
DEVIER 'DROPO' POSEY leads LOGAN and BRADY into the computer room.
DEVIER POSEY
Something's gone wrong with the Play-o-tron! All the running plays it's producing are designed to produce negative yardage!
LOGAN THOMAS
Look at these other plays! This one calls for a two-quarterback formation. Can you imagine Braxton Miller and Joe Bauserman on the field at the same time? [shudders]
BRADY HOKE
No, no, no. These plays won't do at all! [folds up double QB formation plays, stuffs them in his pocket]
BRADY inspects the PLAY-O-TRON-1000.
BRADY HOKE
I see the problem. Someone must have 'accidentally' switched the red wire and the blue wire. Logan, if you can move the red wire to the proper position, I'll move the blue wire to where it belongs.
The PLAY-O-TRON-1000 whirrs back into motion, producing plays for a classic pro-style offense. JIM BOLLMAN enters, brandishing a phaser.
JIM BOLLMAN
All right, Brady Hoke! I've had enough of your meddling in Ohio. It's time to put you out of commission for good.
DEVIER POSEY
Wait a second, Jim! You should see all the awesome plays he programmed into the Computron! [accidentally grabs the stack of negative yardage rushes].
JIM BOLLMAN
[inspects the plays] Say, these aren't that bad. But still, it's time for Brady to go.
As JIM BOLLMAN raises the phaser, DOMINIC CLARKE enters firing a BB gun and shoots BOLLMAN in the chest.
JIM BOLLMAN
Oh no! My plans are ruined! [falls to ground]
LUKE FICKELL and GENE SMITH rush in.
LUKE FICKELL
I always knew ignoring minor gun violence issues would come in handy some day.
GENE SMITH
[picks up stack of bad plays] Well, Brady, you've done what we brought you here for. The people of Ohio are so grateful for your assistance. Let's get you back to Michigan!
LOGAN THOMAS
Uh, I need to get back to Blacksburg too!
BRADY HOKE
Come along, Logan. You'll have to stop by Ann Arbor and get your hat back. But don't get your hopes up on staying. We already have two great quarterbacks. [smiles impishly]
FADE TO:
CLOSING CREDITS
LITTLE SISTERS OF THE POOR CHILDREN'S CHORUS
Sing "The Victors" and dream
Soon you'll hear Team, Team, Team
On Grey Cup day you'll wake up and say
Hooray for Brady Hoke!
B-R-A-D-Y H-O-K-E, yay!
Hooray for Brady Hoke!
Hoo-raaaaaaaayyyyyyyy for Braaaaaa-dyyyyyyy Hoooooooke!
CUT THROUGH NUMBERED DOORS TO:
INT. SATELLITE OF YOST
ROH
Jordan, I'm confused by this week's experiment. If Coach Hoke was kidnapped by the Buckeyes, wouldn't it have been national news? Wouldn't he have at least told us, his beloved D-Line, about it?
JORDAN
I don't know about it being national news. We've been imprisoned by the Mads for weeks and no one seems to have noticed. Curse that lazy mainstream media!
VAN BERGEN
Hey guys, you know how Coach Hoke is holding some surprises back for the Ohio game? Maybe this is one of them! The halftime arrest of Ohio's coaches and athletic director would be one hell of a surprise!
ROH
Yeah, especially if it were incorporated into the Michigan Marching Band's halftime show. I imagine Coach Hoke and Scott Boerma are preparing a musical tribute to The Shawshank Redemption as we speak.
VAN BERGEN
I don't think this year's Ohio coaching staff is redeemable though. I think the MMB should prepare a salute to "The Wonderful World of Oz." The Buckeyes will think the italicization is a typo until it's way, way too late.
JORDAN
All right, that's enough of that. You know that if that happened, they'd just bring Urban Meyer out to coach the rest of the game. What do you think, sirs?
CUT TO:
INT. FREEP 13
TV'S GERG
Well, Drew, I don't have any money, so for Christmas I bought you the only football-related thing I could afford: New Mexico season tickets for 2012. They only cost $5!
DREW SHARP
Well, Gerg, I don't like you very much, so I bought you UNM season tickets for 2012 as well. [inspects the tickets, get angry] Dammit Gerg, our tickets are right next to each other! We're going to be stuck together all next fall watching Bob Davie try and coach!
TV'S GERG
I think we got tickets next to each other because these are the only two sets of season tickets UNM has ever sold.
DREW SHARP
[sighs] Push the button, Gerg.
CLOSING CREDITS
Thanks to the authors of the FIRST AMENDMENT and the TEACHERS OF AMERICA. Thanks to MGoBlog user MAIZEDOUT1982 for the LLOYD BRADY picture featuring FACEPALM GUY. Thanks to LLOYD BRADY for being LLOYD BRADY. Thanks to FACEPALM GUY for being FACEPALM GUY. Thanks to MICHAEL J. NELSON, composer of the tune for "A Lloyd Brady Christmas." Thanks to Professor Emeritus N. HARRIS MCCLAMROCH for his decades worth of contributions to the control and aerospace engineering communities. Thanks to DOMINIC CLARKE'S PREDILECTION FOR VIOLENCE for providing a useful DEUS EX MACHINA. Keep circulating the TAPES.
STINGER
BRADY HOKE
Oh no, I'm not tired. But my fingers are.
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