Lost in Space

Luna-Lost in Space-1995
(Sorry gang, can't embed, but you can listen along)

You heard it all before
And said your case was tragic
You heard it all before
And now they say it's magic

You need
Time off
For good
Behavior
And you know there's something else
But you can't give a name
Someone's selling all your heroes

And it seems such a shame

Maybe the worst part about being 7-6 is that one literally cannot know if things will get better or worse next year because both possibilities seem equally probable.  People like to say "Michigan was just three plays away from 9-4" which, OK, sure, (A Gibbons make in the Penn State game, the two point conversion in the Ohio State game, I can accept both of those as they were so late in the game, the quantum realities that exist from that point are limited, especially the Gibbons field goal.)  We were also easily two plays away from being 5-7 (Gibbons misses in the rain in Evanston, Akron connects on the final play of the game).  So 7-6 is probably right and fitting, win some, lose some.

But it really is hard to know what to think for next year, which is probably for the best that we can have some time away from this, some distance before we must contemplate the future, in both short and long terms.  There is talent, I know it because I have seen it and because everyone who seems to know these things better than I do tells me so.  The question is, can there be improvement?  Will there be improvement?  Because I think the athletic department knows there has to be.

The Athletic Department is in a bind.  It is facing the worst home football schedule in Michigan's history, an increasingly disgruntled, or at the very least, discontented fan and alumni base, who feels increasingly hit in the wallet when asked to re-up for season tickets, facing a Michigan Stadium atmosphere that feels less and less like the one that people cherished and more and more like a multi-level marketing...wait, sorry...synergy machine that we're told is the future because the people who get to make these decisions want to create the future, whether or not anyone wants to go along with them for the ride.   By the same token, they want to sell us on the glory of the past, which starts to feel more and more like imperial decline, like remembering the high water mark of the empire and silently (or sometimes more loudly) fretting that the grandest days are behind us (Notre Dame reclaiming the winning percentage mark after ten years in part because they made up SEVEN games on Michigan in the last two years would be a good example of that kind of fear in a more tangible form.)

And by the way, as guilty of this as I am, don't think for a moment that collectively telling ourselves that this is all just 2013's fault isn't a symptom of this fear.  Because the alternative is far darker.

Maybe the greatest gift of growing up is that you can still appreciate things that meant so much to you in your childhood and young adulthood without being consumed by them.  I still care about this program, about this team, about these players, but it no longer drives my mood for a week.  It's the realization not that there are more important things, though there are, but that willingly handing your emotional state to things well outside control is just a really poor decision for one's temperament.  (I would like to thank the Detroit Lions for helping me reach this realization sooner rather than later.)

So, come August, well cheer again, we'll get excited about the players who made significant strides during fall camp, we'll look at the schedule and try to find those nine wins, knowing that we're not going to Indianapolis without some good luck.  We'll say goodbye to our friends from South Bend, because it is ending because of the new world order, and we'll welcome some new "friends" from the East for the same reason, looking at them sideways the way one one might with step-siblings (Yes, there's a Brady Bunch joke there.  Yes, I am declining to make it.)  We'll show up and we'll hope and we'll complain and we'll wonder, going up, or going down?  Because right now, we just don't know.

Farewell Team 134.  Godspeed to you Team 135.

Smash Mouth Football

It started here...

As if we all haven't been through enough, BWW bowl announces a Smash Mouth concert as part of the pre game festivities.
— Everett Cook (@everettcook) December 20, 2013

Then this happened...

[chorus] Hey now You're mediocre Head to Tempe Go, Play Hey now You lost to Penn State Are you surprised this bowl's lame? [next verse]
— Scott Bell (@sbell021) December 20, 2013

And, well, since bad song parodies are a thing we do here...

Somebody once told me the SEC is gonna roll me
But they ain't the sharpest tool in the shed
We were looking kind of dumb with our offense in the 'gun
In the shape of an "I" it's what the Borge said

Well, the hits start coming and they don't stop coming
If you don't block, can get the ground running
Didn't make sense not to block or run
Your lizard brain isn't smart so your OC gets dumb


So much to do, beat UConn by three
Couple of bounces might have prevented some bad beats.
You'll never know if you don't go
But then Gibbons misses two off his toe


[Chorus:]
Hey now, you're mediocre
Head to Tempe, Go, Play

Hey now, you lost to Penn State
Are you surprised this bowl's lame?

It's a hot seat and they say it gets warmer
They're fired up now but wait 'til your O Line gets older
But the media men beg to differ
Judging by the hole in the B1G ring picture

Safety depth is getting pretty thin
Gardner's gettin sacked, makes it tough to win
Sparty couches on fire. How about yours?
That's the way we like it as we say stuff untoward.

[Chorus 2x]

Somebody once preened should we call a bubble screen
I need to make plays in space
I said yep what a concept
Just got to execute better myself
Ignoring the calls for O-Coordinator change


Well, the hits start coming and they don't stop coming
If you don't block, can't get the ground running
Didn't make sense not to block or run
Your lizard brain isn't smart so your offense plays dumb

So much to do, beat UConn by three
Couple of bounces might have prevented some bad beats.
You'll never know if you don't go
But then Gibbons misses two off his toe

[Chorus]

And all DB wants is gold
Need a title to break the mold

Yosef Looks Familiar

Appalachian State announced a new alternate logo this week called "Victory Josef." Reaction from the Internet has been mixed. ASU alumni are reportedly supportive of the new logo, but they also liked the "Hot Hot Hot" video, so their taste is questionable at best.

It's a bold move rolling out new product in advance of next fall's Clonus Horror at the Big House. All those ASU shirts in Columbus must be getting worn out by now. But Yosef looks awfully familiar. Let's turn him 90 degrees and switch out his hat:

There we have it. Brian's been working on the inside over there to make sure The Horror doesn't happen again. Now let's put him back in profile:

"Panic and Run Around Screaming" is perfectly good advice after realizing how much you shelled out for a 2014 home schedule featuring Appalachian State.

Valiant

Toledo Blade/Andy Morrison

from Latin valēre: to be strong

In the end, it was for them and we're just happy to have been a part of it.  This isn't about moral victories or taking solace in the margin being closer even if the result was what most of us expected at the beginning of the week.  It is for them.  If we doubt that, just look at Devin Gardner's face as he meets with the media after the game.  He doesn't look that way because he let us down, no, it is because he knows he let his teammates down, even if the reality of the day contradicts that feeling.  As much as any person on the field, he got his team in a position to go for that win when very few people outside of their locker room thought it was even possible.  Then they didn't get that win, and the feeling sucks, and you try telling him otherwise.

But perhaps the most telling reaction to Saturday is the seemingly overwhelming approbation, both local and national, for the decision to go for two.  Hoke said that he asked the seniors if they wanted to do it and they claim to a man, they said yes.  I respect the decision even more for one of the core principles of leadership, trust your people, believe in them.  The players, in the end, owned that choice as much as Hoke.  Win or lose, they all owned the decision.  Hoke gave his players agency in a world where all too often they are treated as interchangeable parts in a machine.  In the end, eleven moving parts couldn't make it happen because of eleven other moving parts with the directive to stop them.  In another reality, they did make it.  But neither set of players in these parallel realities will ever know how the other feels, but as I said yesterday, to once again draw on the wisdom of the War Doctor, "at worst, we failed doing the right thing, as opposed to succeeding in doing the wrong,"

We spend so much time obsessing over what it means to be a "Michigan man" to the point where we are readily parodied for it. But Saturday reminded me why we end up loving these teams and these players, win or lose.  We do get those occasional glimpses of just how much this means to them, how much they truly embrace the ethos of team, instead of it slowly becoming a marketing gimmick to repeated at halftime.  They're not perfect, but neither are we.  But I was reminded, as the Tom Brady speech to Team 134 was replayed on the video board during the game, the players in that room all chose Michigan, just like all of us did, alumnus, student, and supporter alike.  The circumstances of that choosing will vary from person to person, but like the decision to go for two, we own that choice.  We may get frustrated by any number of things, we may be upset by the outlook for the future, but it is only because we care so deeply about that choice.  It defines us in ways that we don't even always want to acknowledge because society frowns upon the level of devotion that we may grant to a secular entity.  But the things that define us, shape us, inform us, all serve to reflect to the world what we hope to see in ourselves.  So we can find a way to be angry with the result, but be proud of the effort, because we are gifted with a first-rate intelligence, one with is "the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function."

So to Team 134, that latest link in the Maize Chain of Being, we salute you.  We are reminded of the words of our University's co-founder in the wake of the fire that destroyed Detroit in 1805: Speramus meliora; resurget cineribus; or "We hope for better things; it will arise from the ashes."

In the end, perhaps this was an exercise in reminding us of the meaning of valiant and while it always feels better to be victorious and valiant, we can always try to be valiant nonetheless.

Perfidious Vindication

In September, we wrote:

To avoid any further confusion, there are at least three feats of co-ordinating derring-do that will permit Al Borges to reach the pinnacle that is Tlön. Those three feats are [include]:

• Repeat what just happened against Notre Dame on November 30. 

41 points. Same as Notre Dame. 143 more yards. One less turnover. So we go from -10 to 10. Positive Tlön was achieved. But still. Dammit. Dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit.

The First Question

First of all, David is right, I should have switched over at 2:50 to the "Day of the Doctor" and it would have been a much better decision.

Fundamentally, the question of this season is not about disappointment, or frustration, or youth.  The first question of this season is more fundamental than this season, it's the core of all consumed culture: "For whom does this thing exist?"

When an author writes a book, for whom are they writing it?  Are they writing it for themselves? For the potential audience? For the money? For the fame?

When a television show is created, for whom is it created? For the network? For the audience? For the advertisers?

When a team plays a sport, for whom are they playing? For themselves? For the fans? For the ownership? For the paycheck?

That we have never fully answered these questions speak to the fact that there are no right answers, there are no good answers.  This is what leads to our frustration.

Disappointment can only come with expectations.  If you expect nothing, you have a much more difficult time being disappointed.  If you expect something, anything that fails to reach that expectation inevitably becomes a disappointment.  But this leads to an even greater paradox, as it is virtually impossible to live your life in such a way to expect nothing, because as things happen, human nature is to ask for more, to want more, to expect more.

Think about it.  After Notre Dame, in spite of the 0-yard pick six, the trajectory was upwards, the hopes were seemingly limitless.  And then Akron happened, and as we sat in disbelief, we talked ourselves into the hiccup.  But then Connecticut happened and hey, we're not that good, maybe, but we're 4-0 and there's a bye coming up, we'll get it fixed.  And we did, hey, the Jug is saved.

Then Penn State, which was its own nightmare, we suck, wait, we're coming back, wait, we got this, wait, what the hell is this drive, wait we got this, wait Gibbons no, wait, we got this, wait Gibbons no again, wait, we lost it.  But hey, four overtimes, could happen to anyone.  Then Indiana and the record setting offense, and we'll get it sorted out by the time we head to East Lansing.

Then November came, and it mostly comes up blank in my mind.  Part of it simply is that I have been moving, and weekends have been committed to unpacking, slipping the games in when I can. But even then, you just knew, it wasn't going to work, it wasn't going to be right.  Somewhere, Michigan forgot how to play offense, and the madness has set in.

So now we're looking at The Game, and well, five years ago, I spoke of that season as a scar, well-won, but the years since have left us with more scars, achieved in uglier fashion, to the point where as much as you want to ignore the scars, it takes tremendous effort to do so.  We're spoiled, and yes, we should know it, and yes, we do, but when you long for something that may be long gone, that will likely never come back, and even if it does, it will certainly not be the same, it makes the absence so much harder.

But again, it's back to the fundamental question: What if this isn't for us?  What if we really, in the end, don't matter in the equation?  What if we tell ourselves a collective lie because we want to believe that we matter, when the reality is we don't? If we don't, it makes all of the shaming, the ranting, the fan credentials presentations, well, that doesn't matter either, does it?  We're just revenue streams to be tapped, background ambiance to be thrown into a game telecast.  We don't have an impact, and yet, it is possible that these things can mean more to some of us than they do to the players because they're part of the thread that connects our days.

So where does this leave us?  What is the answer?  Well, there isn't one, except to say that we're all going to choose our own paths to the answer, and hopefully we shouldn't judge too harshly the paths chosen by others.

The best we can hope for right now is something of a football miracle, but they've happened before.  It is perhaps a bridge too far to ask for a miracle, but it is certainly not beneath any of us to hope for one.  Because as always, hope dies last.

The Web of Fear

I switched over to "The Day of the Doctor" at 2:50. YOU SHOULD HAVE TOO AND I DON'T CARE HOW BIG OF A NOT-NERD YOU ARE. The Borges-O-Meter is back to -10.

In spoiler-preventing white text after the jump, some things that happened in "The Day of the Doctor" that could be used to explain the offensive performance. Highlight to see.

I don't know Davey

This photoshop is as realistic as expecting a successful
Michigan run out of the I-formation.

There are times for rational analysis and there are times for STRONG TAEKS: The only person who has less understanding than Al Borges of what an offensive lineman can and cannot handle is Richie Incognito, no offense. OK then, carrying on.

Bill Barnwell writes at Grantland about David strategies and Goliath strategies. The purpose of David strategies is to increase the variance in the outcome when you clearly are at a disadvantage: a recent example of this is Jacksonville's risk-taking against Denver, which kept the game close for about a half. Spread offenses developed as David strategies - smaller teams developed ways to neutralize their size disadvantage through speed and misdirection.

MANBALL is essentially a synonym for Goliath strategy. Alabama can execute MANBALL. Stanford can execute MANBALL (provided they're not playing Utah). If you have superior athletes, you don't have to make clever play calls. If everyone executes the plays properly, you'll end up ahead. Low variance is what you want if you have the initial advantage.

What happens if we have pinnepedian, Whitlockian, patience? Suppose Michigan's great recruiting classes keep coming in and the players are coached up properly and the line play becomes effective. (Possibly next year, possibly the year after that.) Will MANBALL be effective then? Sure, it'll get you to nine wins, but, at some point, you'll be in the hole against Ohio State or Michigan State or Rutgers or against an SEC team in a - God forbid! - national semifinal. What then? That's when it's time to use a David strategy, break a tendency, take a risk. Maybe you'll lose big, but you'll give yourself a chance to come back and win a game that you should have lost. It's better than trying the same thing that stopped working again and again and again.

What's the ceiling of a MANBALL team with a coaching staff that shows no inability to get creative when things aren't going well? Maybe Michigan gets all the breaks in every game one year and wins it all. Most likely, it's back to the bad old days of 9-3 or 10-2 and perennial trips to central Florida.

Goliath strategies work against Indiana's defense. They don't work against Michigan State's. They apparently don't work against Nebraska's either. MANBALL always hits a brick wall eventually.

The Borges-O-Meter has finally reached Tlön, though not in the way we hoped. Setting incredible offensive records one week, then following it up - after a bye - with two astoundingly crappy performances. That's otherworldly. A Stygian otherworld is still an otherworld.

Identity Crisis

Michigan fan, plane crash witness, and general good follow on Twitter stefanielaine tweeted this out after Michigan's weekly Monday press availability:

yep, after Week 10 sounds like a good time for that RT @chengelis: Hoke says he will get a handle on this team’s personality after MSU game
— stefanielaine (@stefanielaine) October 21, 2013

It occurred to me as I read this tweet that, sarcasm aside, I agree with Stefanie's assessment, and yet, I also believe that Brady is telling the truth as he understands it.

If you think about it, in Year 3 of the Hoke tenure, he is at a peculiar crossroads. He has two and a half classes of his guys, all young, and two and a half classes of guys who came to Michigan during Rich Rodriguez's tenure (I chose that phrasing carefully, there are Rich Rodriguez guys and guys who were coming to Michigan no matter who the coach was, which happened to be Rich Rodriguez.)  The veterans should be leading the team, and they are, in their own way, but they are also chasing phantoms.  They are chasing their departed captains who held them together during the roughest days of the transition.  They are chasing the idea of being Superman, of lifting the team on their shoulders and doing everything, because that is how you become a Michigan legend, that is how you become beloved by legions of Michigan fans.  They're chasing something that doesn't exist because it never existed last year.  They've told themselves if only, if just that one bad thing hadn't happened, ignoring the other things that did happen.

So Brady's in an odd spot.  He's kind of the nice guy stepfather here, he wants to reach out to the guys who didn't pick him as their coach, but he's also been here long enough that they should know who he is by now.  But does Michigan know who it is?  Hoke has classic "MANBALL" tendencies, but I think he also wants to win, so does he ignore what he prefers to win with what he has?  Does this willingness to be flexible and yet inflexible, and yet still flexible create scenarios like Michigan State 2011, Iowa 2011, Nebraska 2012, the second half of Ohio State 2012, Penn State 2013, and now Michigan State 2013 where the desire to be one way leads you to believe that you can do something well if you just believe hard enough, evidence to the contrary be damned.

But as I came back to this post, I also realized something else.  We hold athletes to an impossibly high standard, which is why it is so easy for them to seem like they are failing.  We want them to give their heart, body, soul, and mind every week to a game that is violent, unpredictable, and often times just plain unfair.  We want them to do this knowing the risks inherent in the game, the risk of injuries short and long-term, the risk of their physical and mental well-being, and we also want them to be model citizens, thoughtful, insightful, funny, and sincere.  We want them to want it more than we want them to win, which might well be an impossibility as fans are irrational and single minded.  So when they do not meet the impossibly high standards held out for them, they are disappointed in themselves, and we're disappointed in them, and that's unfair.  We demand answers, but not the truth.  We want fixes, but are usually unwilling to accept that they may take time.  We want hard questions asked without realizing that those kind of questions are not how the game works, taking game however you might like it to mean.

So yes, we're disappointed.  We're struggling to find answers.  As I have said before, the hardest part about college football is that it is the sport that most lives simultaneously in the past and in the future without being willing to live in the present.  I know understand why this is.  The present is usually disappointing.  The past can be gauzed over, shot with a soft filter, edited down and out the nastiest parts, smoothing the roughest edges.  The future holds unlimited promise, even when there appear to be clouds on the horizon, we tell ourselves it will blow over.  But what is right now is maddening because it's a riddle without a solution.  We don't know what the short term future holds because the immediate past is not as instructive as we hoped it might be.  We want a 1973 Michigan team in 2013 college football world, and that creates psychic tension.  It is not that much different than the people in the 1920s who wanted the fruits of modernity but also still wanted to be the way things were in the 1870s.  To quote "Things fall apart; the center cannot hold; Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world."  Old systems have collapsed, the old ways of doing things don't exist anymore and as much as we want to lean on tradition and history and heritage, those things do not block, they do not tackle, and they do not adapt.  All of those things are tools.  In the hands of a capable craftsman, they can produce great works of art.  In the wrong hands, they can be used to destroy raw material.  In the hands of those who lack vision and foresight, they can be used to make something mediocre, leaving the viewer to wonder what might have been.

So one-third of the season left, time to make something of it.  What is made is a choice left in the hands of the craftsmen.

The end of "The Savage Detectives"

At the end of Roberto Bolaño's The Savage Detectives, the following picture appears with the question, "What's outside the window?"

I now know what could be outside the window and have gaps that massive in its line.

The Borges-O-Meter is now broken.

More Bye Week Follies: Pro Football 1861

There's no kind of post I enjoy writing more than a post that confuses the hell out of Brian Cook. Since dipping for the Adventure Time well worked out last time, here's a review for their fine football video game, Pro Football 1861.

Pro Football 1861 is available in the free version of the Beemo app. B-MO is a character who is essentially a walking, talking, GameBoy. The paid version of the app also include Kompy's Kastle and the delightful Conversation Parade. You also get some ringtones and wallpaper and other stuff kids might like.

Pro Football 1861 features two dueling Abe Lincolns, one controlled by the human (or other sentient creature), and the other by Beemo. CPU Abe throws passes at human Abe, and human Abe moves to kick the passes back over CPU Abe's head.

Each time you successfully kick the football over CPU Abe's head, you earn 33 points. If you need help understanding Al Borges's disapproval of bubble screens, imagine that each pass that CPU Abe throws is a bubble screen and that, if a player on the opposing team kicks it back over Devin Gardner's head, then his team earns 33 points. Under such rules, using bubble screens would indeed by absolute folly.

I'm losing 99-0 because I stopped to take the screenshot.

First one to 999 points wins. You can see why college football has never adopted this rule, as no Michigan State game would ever end.

But I came back to win because I wanted the "YOU WIN" screenshot.

1861 was actually a low point in the history of college football, as Harvard followed Yale's lead and banned all football-type games as overly violent. There was also a war going on which college administrators hopefully thought was of greater importance. However, it would be fun to see an actual football game based on actual reconstructions of various 19th-century rules. Imagine being able to control Team 1 as they battled mighty Racine College!

Pro Football 1861 gets three stars out of four, as it will keep you occupied for 5 to 10 minutes if you need to keep yourself occupied for 5 to 10 minutes. However, it is still a joke game from a cartoon for kids and not an authentic football simulation game; those seeking the latter should consider the Madden series of games, which I understand is quite popular.

Moving the Chains

(Site note: I'm moving.  Not sites, I mean I am literally in the process of moving from my condo in the extreme Northwest corner of Wayne County to a house in the extreme Northwest corner of Monroe County.  Thus, until we get packed, moved, and settled, columns and site content will be a little light as there is not a lot of extra cycles.  But had to get a couple of notes in...)

Thomas Gordon, picture me rolling...down the field after a pick. (Fuller/MGoBlog.com)

What's the hack joke here, that Indiana's a basketball school, and so you expect a basketball score?  That there will be Wisconsin basketball games that will not score as much this season?  That when Baylor and Oregon do it, they're tremendous offenses on display, when Michigan does it, well, you were playing Indiana?  I'm not sure, but I am happy that this is the flavor going in to the second open date, a win at home that was more interesting than it needed to be, that gets Michigan bowl eligible (thus assuring the critical 15 extra practices), that maybe Borges can get out of his own way and call plays for the offense he has, not that offense he wants?

I'm not sure, but Michigan catches a rare break from the Big Ten schedule makers.  facing Michigan State in East Lansing after an open date while Michigan State must go to Champaign before coming home to Michigan.  The word "trap game" quickly comes to mind, especially for a team with just the one rival.  The streak's at 358, a severe test comes up for 359.  Let's see the boys get two solid weeks of practice, get healthy and keep Paul in Ann Arbor.

Somewhere in the Library of Babel

Al Borges's vindication for this game does exist (I have seen two of them, which refer to games in the future, perhaps games not imaginary), but those who went in quest of Al Borges's Vindication failed to recall that the chance of a man finding his Vindication, or some perfidious version of his, can be calculated to be zero.

Meanwhile, in a hexagon in circuit 15-94:
M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V

Where the heart is...

Taylor, this is on the Jon Falk big list of Jug NO NOs. (Eric Upchurch)

Advertisers, for years, have known the drawing power of the idea of home.  Home is where the heart is.  There's no place like home. They know that for all of its faults, the people that we love are there and our memories, good and bad, are tied to this place.  It is thus no surprise that for a century, colleges have realized the power of memory and the draw of coming home to a place we love in order to bring people back to campus, and make a few dollars more. (True story: Missouri "invented" homecoming in 1911 to guarantee that the Kansas-Missouri game would make money on campus rather than having been played in previous years in Kansas City.)

Homecoming is strange for a season ticket holder, because, theoretically, you're there every week, so yes it's "special", it's different, there are nice touches, like the welcoming back of the alumni and the emeriti and the like, but really, they're a sidelight to the football work at hand.  But yes, coming home, to the Big House, with a piece of pottery on the line, just like old times.

The secret, one easily copped to for many, is that for Michigan fans, we love the old times.  We love what was because the past was so good to Michigan.  Michigan's current home winning streak of 18 games is the longest since 1969-1973 (and a 40 game home unbeaten streak from 1969 to 1975).  Michigan has only been out of control of the Jug three times since 1969 (1977, 1986, and 2005) meaning Jon Falk truly has been the caretaker of the Jug for most of his 40 year career.  We love "dull and boring" football games, where you run behind the left tackle, pick up four, and do it again.  We want the old house to be just like we remember it, even if time moves the reality a little bit further into the haze with each passing year, obliterating the facts for feelings, and data for anecdote and story.  

Michigan is now 5-0, has won 27 of its last 28 Big Ten home openers, has scored in 356 consecutive games (five shy of BYU's all-time record), and has a very realistic shot of heading into the November from Hell with a 7-0 record.  It reminded itself that it's not perfect, but it does not have to be perfect to win, it just has to play within itself, whatever that means.  But we went back to our lives after our visit home, feeling better about the trip and reminded that home isn't perfect, but there's few other places in the world we'd rather be.

Don't add a word, don't ruin the movie

I had a high-lair-ee-us tweet all ready to go while I was waiting for the presumably inevitable turnover: "The Constant Gardner Interceptions #AddAWordRuinTheMovie." Fortunately, this attempted comedy never had a chance to join the ranks of a "A Very Brady Hoke Sequel" and "Children of the Corn III: Urban Meyer Harvest," as Michigan played its first turnover-free game since the 2011 edition of the Brown Jug.

We're setting the Borges-O-Meter to Level 4, predictable, but this week's predictable is not a problem. Running the ball behind Taylor Lewan was predictable, but wise, even if it wasn't quite so predictable where exactly on the line Lewan was. Calling nothing but runs of the first drive was predictable, but it worked. Making sure Gardner calmed down and was making good decisions was the safe, smart play. Moving Devin Funchess to WR was an inevitability.

After two weeks of near-horror, there's nothing like a safe game plan to get back on track before ratcheting up the difficulty for tougher opponents than Minnesota. Just like reading Pierre Menard's Don Quixote, sometimes things are good even if you know they're coming.

Know of Foe: University of Waterloo

With apologies to the M-Zone, we continue our annual "Know of Foe" series, previewing Michigan's preseason Canadian opponent. This year, the University of Waterloo Warriors come to Yost.

Instead of a full breakdown of the history of the university, I'm going to share a story from a visit I had there a few years ago. After the day's events were concluded, I was treated to dinner and conversation turned to the big story on campus at the time, the discovery that nine players of the football team had tested positive for steroids after one of their wide receivers was arrested for trafficking. The university suspended the football team for the 2011 season.

After two professors offered their opinions on the state of the scandal at the time, a third volunteered the following question, "We have a football team?" So it's not exactly a rabid athletic culture.

Recognizing this logo is not a requirement for getting a tenure-track position anywhere.

As for the university, Waterloo is the Canadian version of Cal/Georgia/M.I. Tech. It's renowned for its Faculty (not department) of Mathematics and the high quality of its computer science and engineering programs. They'd probably produce some great sports analytics if they cared about sports. The university's prowess in technical fields spun off to the founding of Research in Motion (which was a big deal for a while) and also the independent Perimeter Institute for Theoretical Physics. Stephen Hawking hangs out there sometimes. Waterloo's notable alumni include astronaut/Internet sensation Chris Hadfield and Keeper of the Cup Walt Neubrand.

Waterloo hockey finished sixth out of nine in the OUA West Division with a 12-11-5 W-L-OTL record with a 98-104 GF/GA ratio, so that's as an ideal example of "slightly below average." And we can be pretty sure they're not on steroids. Let's say 4-2, Michigan. You can tell I didn't put a lot of thought into predicting this game this year.

Living the Dream

Thing crossed off the Michigan bucket list, check.

My thanks to Matt Slovin and the entire Daily staff for having me! Oh and yes, I am absolutely dreadful at picking football games.

Bye Week Follies: The Magical Jake Butt

Yes I'm a tight end. Yes my last name is butt. Hhahaha
— jake butt (@JBooty_88) September 22, 2013

By this point in the season, we're all aware that Michigan has a tight end with the last name of Butt and that this fact can be used to make many easy jokes and will most assuredly lead to many amusing "unintentional" double entendres from the broadcast booth over the next four season. But this post is about the added level of merriment brought about by the fact that he's Jake Butt.

Fans of the late lamented Bender Bending Rodriguez should be pleased that John DiMaggio continues to do voice work on a show set 1000 years in the future in The Cartoon Network's Adventure Time. As Jake the Dog, he voices a character with magical shape-shifting properties. This of course means that his butt also his magical shape-shifting properties and is capable of amazing things. Behind the jump, the mystical powers of Jake Butt.

If you build it...

So this Wall Street Journal article has been making the rounds about the worries about declining student attendance and there are some valid points (bad cell reception, uninteresting scheduling, lack of availability of alcohol relative to HD TV options.)

There was also a blog post earlier this week about this issue, but from a more Michigan-centric angle.  While I have had my own issues with the recent Michigan Athletic Department decision making process and John U. Bacon has noted his concerns about the Michigan Athletic Department leaving the students behind and the Michigan Daily gave their own take in a Dave Brandon profile from earlier this week (as was noted on Twitter, a profile of a person often considered not responsive to student concerns which then turned down repeated requests for an interview/access.)  The "We Out" post made the case that noon starts, plus a lackluster opponent (on paper), plus Yom Kippur was a reasonable explanation for the empty seats.  Two years ago, I went all cranky old man about students showing up on time.  But I forgot what it was like to be a student.  So consider this an adjustment of my view, based on new information.

Things that Schools Can Do to Improve "Student" Attendance

(all numbers related to Michigan pricing this season for the sake of reference.)

1). Sell partial/big game packages in addition to season tickets.
Let's say this year, you sell a package of Notre Dame and Ohio State at say $150, as opposed to the $280 for the whole seven game package.  You link those tickets to a student's MCard (like they do at hockey), move them to Section 33 and 34 and call it a day.  If they do not use those tickets, they lose the right to buy tickets at the student rate for the next year.  The students who want season tickets have two options, they can, at at slightly lower rate (say $260 for this season), get their ticket put on their MCard and go through the GA process, or the can for $280, get physical tickets* that can be transferred to others, with a section/row/number, closer to the top of the bowl than the bottom.  The MCard people would need to attend six out of the seven games to get the discount the next year.

(*-You could also go full on and let students buy regularly priced tickets that do not need to be validated, which would allow them easier access to the resale market if they can't make it.)

2). Young Alumni Pricing
As a side benefit of this plan, the five games not sold as a part of the big game package to students could then be offered to young alumni (say four years from your most recent Michigan degree, under the age of 28) at a rate between the Student price and the Regular Season Ticket Holder price with Alumni Association Members getting first dibs. (By the way, if you split the difference, you come up with a season ticket price this year of $262.50, or the same price it would be for the MCard ticket kids if you knocked $2.50 off the face value.)  They would also earn priority points, which would not be activated until they made their first Victors Club donation.  There would be a market for these tickets, even the "lesser" games at the discounted rate.  If the Alumni Association can offer a membership rate at 40% of normal, the Athletic Department can likely see similar benefits of latching on to people when they still remember what it's like to be in the Big House and miss it.

3). Don't Be Passive-Aggressive With Your Students
Engage with your students.  If they are truly a valuable part of the game day experience, don't keep changing the rules on them simply because you came up with a "better" idea.  You do game day experience surveys all the time for the season ticket holders, I hope you do the same for the students.  Remind them that they are the future of the alumni base, and try to find ways not to coddle them, but to address legitimate concerns they might have.


(By the way, the wi-fi issue is a big deal.  I realized last week how much more information I had from my Twitter feed during the Connecticut game than I did during the Akron game. Oh sure, there was hand-wringing, but there was also injury updates, notes, observations, etc.  I'm old and I want that.  Imagine how digital natives feel about that.)

4). "Season" Tickets/Family Day
Acknowledge that scheduling twelve Division I FBS football games is expensive.  Allow season ticket holders to build a package that is cheapest per ticket if you buy every game, but that allows them to opt out of that dreaded "third game in three weeks in September scenario".

Take the Miami (Not that Miami) game next season.  It is coming off the last Notre Dame game, but the week before Utah, which is at least an FBS AQ team.  Let people opt out of that game for a slight discount (say $50 off) with no harm to your status year to year.

Then designate that Miami game "Michigan Family Day" (maybe even get a corporate sponsor on board).  Allow people to buy four packs at a reasonably discounted rate.  Reach out to people who have not ever been to a Michigan game but might like to go to one.  Give people a chance to experience the Big House who might not be able to do so otherwise.  Sell it as the Yost ideal that Michigan Stadium was the house of every Michigander, not just the alumni, not just the wealthy and connected.

I am sure there are plenty of other good ideas.  I'm not saying these answers are foolproof.  But I do genuinely believe that treating your ticket buyers/current students with respect and making them want to come to your stadium rather than treating it as an obligation where you are criticized if you decide you want to do something else that day, well, that might be a good place to start.

All His Fingers Look Like Thumbs

The most butthurt defense of a mediocre performance I've ever heard comes not from sports talk, shockingly enough, but from Ken Keeler on the DVD commentary of the notorious Simpsons episode "The Principal and the Pauper." Keeler tried to shut up know-it-alls who thought the episode was a sucky parody of the Martin Guerre story by claiming that the story of Armin Tamzarian was actually based on the Tichborne Claimant case. For those unfamiliar with the story, Martin Guerre was a peasant who disappeared when he was off to war. While he was gone, an impostor from a nearby town showed up in his village and claimed to be him. Eventually Martin Guerre appeared and extreme awkwardness and executions ensued. You may remember this as the basic plot of "The Principal and the Pauper." Or of Sommersby.

The Tichborne case is somehow both sadder and funnier. To set it in modern times, imagine if Jeremy Gallon had gone missing in Connecticut, and Al Borges, distraught with grief, advertised all throughout New England that a huge reward was in store for anyone who could safely bring Gallon back to Michigan. Now suppose that Ondre Pipkins squished himself into the #21 jersey, walked into Schembechler Hall, then said "Hey, it's me, Jeremy!" And that Al Borges believed him and started him at WR against Minnesota. If that unlikely sequence of events transpired, you'd imagine that Joe Reynolds in particular would be pretty upset.

The real story took place around 1860, well before the days of DNA testing. Roger Tichborne, the scrawny heir to a baronetcy, went missing off the coast of South America and his mother sent notices all over the South Pacific trying to find him. In Wagga Wagga, Australia, a really fat dude going by Tom Castro starting claiming he was Tichborne and, for some reason still unclear to history, people actually believed him. The resulting court cases were the most expensive in British history up to that time. Mark Twain thought the whole thing was hilarious and he was a man who knew his funny.

The tale was also well-known in Argentina, where one Jorge Luis Borges included his version, "The Improbable Impostor Tom Castro," in his 1935 collection A Universal History of Iniquity. Watching Saturday's game, I saw that the Michigan offense was not one-dimensional as horrific interior line play and careless ball-handling are at least two distinct dimensions of play. However, I couldn't justify knocking the Borges-O-Meter all the way down to Level 1 when they actually won the game. So I changed Level 2 from "The Disk" (one-dimensional) to "Tom Castro" (clown fraud).

Now let us follow the orders of Judge Snyder at the end of "The Principal and the Pauper," and never mention the last two games again...under penalty of torture. Wow - that wasn't funny in 1997 and it's even less funny now. That was a terrible episode.

(YouTube didn't have the song with the post title in the lyrics, so this one will have to do.)

Turn the Page

Desmond Morgan on his horse (Photo by Jim Rogash/Getty Images)

It's only fitting that when discussing Michigan's struggles with life on the road, we'd turn to Ann Arbor's own Bob Seger.

Here I am / On the road again 
Let's be very honest, Michigan never expected to find itself in East Hartford, but they were booked into this gig by their old manager and well, as much as the new boss tried to get them out of it, Connecticut politics, being what they are, put Michigan at the smallest venue it had played at since Cornell in the 1950s.  But hey, you play the gig, you wow the crowd, you collect your paycheck, you come home for the Open Date, and you reset.  Oh, sure, the struggles of the Akron game last week were disconcerting, but the sound coming out of Michigan this week was good, the right things were being said, it was a scare, you learn from it, move on, and make sure you get out of Connecticut with everyone healthy.

There I am / Up on the stage 
So some how, Michigan at Connecticut ended up going to 60% of the country on ABC (much to Kirk Herbstreit's dismay) so a chance, in prime time, for the rest of the nation to see Devin Gardner play like he did Under the Lights, to see if Michigan had fixed its issues on the lines, and whether the Wolverines could establish a running game.  Business trip, write up the expense report, come home.

Here I go / Playin' star again 
I think the consensus reached among Michigan fans were that we'd be happier with Devin Gardner's play if he could solve the turnover issues.  This starts with tucking the ball when he decides to run (and the thing is, he can run.  He just leaves the ball way out there, begging to be stripped.)  Chris Spielman's working thesis last night seemed to be that Gardner was playing too tight and it was causing the turnovers, which, sure, that seems reasonable in that way that color commentary seems reasonable in explaining things that you're seeing without actually knowing.  My thesis is this: Devin Gardner spent the last three years of his football life watching Denard Robinson become one of the single most dynamic football players in modern college football history, one who was always willing and perhaps too often asked to put a team on his back and will it to victory.  Gardner's stats at Inkster High School remind us that he was a one-man show too many times for the now defunct Vikings.  So yes, sure, while he trusts Jeremy Gallon, and yes, he knows that Fitz Toussaint can run, but when push comes to shove, default mode is heroball.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, and all too often this season, it's been an abject disaster.

There I go / Turn the page
Here's what I choose to see out of last night.  At a juncture when things could have completely gone Achebe for Michigan, especially after the three and out in the immediate wake of the fumble return for a touchdown, Michigan dug down deep, recentered itself, and moved 75 yards down the field to bring it within a touchdown with still over 20 minutes remaining in the game.  Michigan then got a series of fortunate breaks, tipping the scales of the breaks that had gone against Michigan (self-inflicted or otherwise), and kept Blue in the game.  A Connecticut missed field goal from 46 yards out.  the Desmond Morgan one handed interception just three plays after Devin's attempt to convert fourth down ended on a fumble and a bad spot, Desmond Morgan running with the ball for 29 yards, Fitz Toussiant looking like 2011 Fitz and going for a quick 12 yards and score to tie the game.  And all of the sudden, with 9:49 left in the game, Michigan had erased all of the bad things that had happened to that point, was back to even, and just needed to be one point better than Connecticut the rest of the way. A UConn three and out, a Dileo return (which, yes, was wiped out by a STUPID penalty, but still, nice to see Dileo break one a little bit.), a nice time draining drive to get a field goal (no matter how much one would have liked to have seen six at that point).  And sure, Connecticut was moving down the field with a chance to win, or at least tie, when Frank Clark gets the 12 yard sack to give Connecticut a seemingly impossible 4th and 29.  And while Michigan's defense gave back 26 of those yards, the down mattered more than the distance and everyone could collectively exhale.

You can choose to see a game where Michigan struggled with a team that lost to I-AA Towson and scrapped out a victory is disheartening fashion.  That's fair, the narrative pieces are there.  I choose to see a young team that fought back to score 17 unanswered points to win a game, on the road, in what was considered to be the biggest game in the stadium's history.  Michigan is ALWAYS going to get an opponent's best shot, because if you beat Michigan, your name gets etched in history, next to the Appalachian States, next to the Toledos.  It's the burden of being Goliath, and it's the unspoken flip side of what This is Michigan entails.

So sure, it's 4-0 that doesn't feel well deserved, but did 2-2 after four games last year feel like what Michigan's team really was either?  You have two weeks to correct the mistakes, to work on the fundamentals, to get back to what made people think you were worthy of the preseason praise.  It's much easier to "forgive" a bad win than a frustrating loss.  The math says you may run out of rabbits to pull out of your hat, but if you start to play better, you can move on to other illusions.

Ask The Question

"For over a thousand years, Roman conquerors returning from the wars enjoyed the honor of a triumph - a tumultuous parade. In the procession came trumpeters and musicians and strange animals from the conquered territories, together with carts laden with treasure and captured armaments. The conqueror rode in a triumphal chariot, the dazed prisoners walking in chains before him. Sometimes his children, robed in white, stood with him in the chariot, or rode the trace horses. A slave stood behind the conqueror, holding a golden crown, and whispering in his ear a warning: 'that all glory is fleeting.'"

Those are the last lines from Patton and they remind me of something.  When you have powerful men who trust each other in positions of power to make stupid decisions, there needs to be person in the room empowered to say "No, wait, stop, are you sure this is a good idea?"

Lisa: "What's so special about this game anyway? It's just another chapter in the pointless rivalry between Springfield and Shelbyville. They built a mini-mall, so we built a bigger mini-mall. They made the world's largest pizza, so we burnt down their city hall."
Homer: "Heh, heh, heh. Yeah, they swore they'd get us back by spiking our water supply. But they didn't have the guts."
Marge: (drinks the tap water) "Ooooh. The walls are melting again."

"Homer Loves Flanders" Season 5, Episode 16

I don't have a degree or background in marketing, so someone is going to need to explain to me how skywriting over a rival school's stadium, during a home game for that school, is positive marketing for your program?  Are you going to convince anyone in attendance "Wait, I'm here when I could be a Michigan game?  What the hell am I thinking?  Thank you skywriting.  Thank you!"   You've now made the airspace over Michigan Stadium fair game, no?  Didn't the FAA and Homeland Security say that was a no no?  Are you relying on that to prevent retaliation? All you've done is give your rivals the high ground on this one (especially when they very cleverly turned it into a cancer fundraiser) and pissed off a lot of people in your own fan base wondering why you're spending that kind of money, whatever it is that you spent.  This is where someone needs to be able to ask the question: "What's the goal here?  Is it worth it?  Are we okay with the potential blowback here?"

(Oh, and really, GOBLUE?  That was your plan?  Seriously, not Δ258?  That would have been a mystery and would have at least qualified as clever.  But no.)

"Uh, hi, Mr. Meyers. I've been doing some thinking, and I've got some ideas to improve the show. I got it right here.  One, Poochie needs to be louder, angrier, and have access to a time machine. Two, whenever Poochie's not onscreen, all the other characters should be asking 'Where's Poochie'?"

"The Itchy and Scratchy and Poochie Show", Season Eight, Episode 14.

Why, exactly, does Michigan need to market itself?  I suppose the fact that Akron was the first non-sell out crowd in over a decade answers my question, but for all of the good things that the Athletic Department's marketing arm does (and let's be clear, they do a lot of things very well, starting with their social media presence), it also does stuff where you just scratch your head and yell at people about it.  Stick to what has worked for Michigan, try not to piss off your loyal customers while searching for new ones, and for goodness sakes, do not buy the old line that any publicity is good publicity.

Let Us Never Speak of the Shortcut Again

(AP Photo/Tony Ding)

From Episode [2F01] "Itchy and Scratchy Land"

It's a win.  Let us not lose sight of that.  It may have been ugly, it may have been undeserved, it may have been, in the words of AP reporter Larry Lage "The worst win in Michigan's history", but it still counts as one, still leaves Michigan in the ranks of the undefeated, and still puts Michigan halfway to bowl eligibility.

But as I was typing this, Brady Hoke's postgame speech from the locker room was released on MGoBlue.com (as posted by MGoVideo for embedding purposes, with our thanks!)

He wrote the column for me.  Yes, you won. Wow, there's a lot of things to work on.  Man does frustrated Brady Hoke sound like Matt Foley: Motivational Speaker.

That said, in 2010, after the scare from UMass, I wrote this:

It was a win.  The gap between "survives upset bid" or "gets a scare from an FCS school" and losing is a chasm visible from space.  We've been on the other side of that chasm, or perhaps more accurately at the bottom of it.  Michigan won on a day when they didn't play well. 

Yes, it was more tense than it should have been.  Yes, it's annoying, especially after the Notre Dame game had us, as fans, dreaming of Pasadena or more.  But it's an early season hiccup, one hopefully that will provide lessons which will be learned.  No one promises 55-7 routs, no one promises easy victories.  That doesn't mean you shouldn't want those things, it just means you need to recalibrate your expectations and understand that sometimes things like this happen.  You work to get better for next week, and the next week, and the next week, because it means something to you.  You have a right to be unhappy, but only if you do something about it.  This is more difficult for fans, because they can only cheer and hope and root.  They can't practice harder this week, clean up the fundamentals, work on the decision making.  But the players can, the coaches can, and that's what you're left to hope for in this case.  That they do learn the lesson here and take it to heart.

On the road to East Hartford, where we hope for better days.

More Legends Jersey Proposals

We read with great interest yesterday MGoBlog's post "This Week's Obsession: Leaders Numbers" and particularly Seth's concept below:

I'd start them young and make the whole thing goal-oriented: freshmen or sophomores can apply to the coaches for a Legend's number, and there's a set of things you must do in spring or fall practice to earn the right to wear it that exemplify the guy who set that number. For each I would also set list of accomplishments comparable to those of the Legend which if you achieve them in your career you earn the right to have your name added to that patch, for example Devin can get his name added to the 98 patch if he wins the Heisman and leads the nation in scoring, and Ryan would need to be a three-time All-American and two-time captain to have his name added to 47. Have a wall at the stadium somewhere that honors all of them and lists the accomplishments, and open it up a bit so there are easier numbers to attain (#7 for a QB who beats OSU three times as the starter, #46 for a QB who leads his team to an undefeated season and national championship, #77 for an OT who's a 4-year starter and two-time All-American, 60 for a DL who does the same, 76 for a guard).

Never one to let a good idea rest, we would like to humbly offer our Top 8 Legends Jerseys that should happen with the criteria needed to earn it.  (This will not be a slideshow, only because we have no idea how slideshows work.  We're like Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer when it comes to that part of the internet.)

From a September 1989 game by Stephen Dunn | Getty Images

8). Leroy Hoard | #33 | Michigan RB 1986-1989
A running back must average EXACTLY three yards a carry for his first two seasons.  No more, no less.  EXACTLY three yards a carry.

From a 2008 Michigan Daily photo by Clif Reeder

7). Zoltan Mesko | #41| Michigan P 2006-2009
A punter must achieve any two of the following three items:
a). Average 42.5 yards per punt.
b). Succeed in your attempt to high kick the M Club banner.
c). Prove that you hold domain over an extraterrestrial empire.

Getty Images

6). Marcus Ray | #29 | Michigan S 1995-1998
A safety must achieve all of the following in one season:
a). Intercept at least five passes.
b). Make cover of Sports Illustrated destroying an Ohio State wide receiver.
c). Captain a team of Michigan football players that defeats a team from Michigan's quiz bowl program in an intramural game.

You are still missed Vada.

5). Vada Murray | #27 | Michigan DB 1986-1989
Successfully block a field goal or extra point attempt while a minimum of 18 inches off the playing surface.

4). Jareth Glanda | #54 | Michigan LS 2010-2013
Move anonymously through two whole seasons of football without having your name mentioned, then catch a pass for a first down on a broken play during a bowl game.

3). Mercury Hayes/Martavious Odoms | #9 | Michigan WR 1992-1995/2008-2011
Catch a game-winning touchdown in either the opening game of the season in 98 degree weather or warmer or to beat Ohio State to end a losing streak.

One shining moment.

2). Nick Sheridan |#8 | Michigan QB 2006-2009
As a walk-on quarterback, successfully prevent Minnesota from taking three-year ownership of the Little Brown Jug by playing out of your mind.

Mike DeSimone

1). Ernest Shazor | #25 | Michigan S 2001-2004
Hit a a Purdue ball carrier so hard as to make him regret ever being born.

Calibrating the Borges-O-Meter

So a certain somewhat popular Michigan sports blog took a break from its usual obsessing over teenage boys to criticize the settings of our illustrious Borges-O-Meter  (on the sidebar over there --> ). Its chief proprietor asks:

What does Al Borges have to do to get Tlon, Uqbar, Orbus Tertius, Hoover Street Rag? Is 41 points and nearly 500 yards without an effective basic running game against a defense that returned seven starters from the #2 scoring D in the country insufficient? WHAT MORE CAN HE DO, HOOVER STREET RAG?

Imagine how upset Brian Cook would have been if we'd forgotten to update it after the game, like we almost did.

To avoid any further confusion, there are at least three feats of co-ordinating derring-do that will permit Al Borges to reach the pinnacle that is Tlön. Those three feats are:

• Repeat what just happened against Notre Dame on November 30. 
• Lead the offense to 41 points and almost 500 yards, with or without an effective basic running game, in Pasadena this January.
• Recognize that the primary goal of the Michigan State defense will not be to win the game, but rather to injure his players, and then devise a dominant offensive game plan that never exposes a player to a dangerous Tom Gholston-style cheap shot.

Against regional rivals and other schools of lesser renown, we have no choice but to place higher standards on Al Borges before he can ascend to Orbus Tertius. The minimum standards for each game are:

Akron: Randomly select the offensive players from the student section 20 minutes before game time and lead them to a double-digit victory.

@Connecticut: Nothing. This team lost by 15 points to Towson.

Minnesota: Win the game while fielding an actual brown jug at guard.

@Penn State: Get half of the team's yardage from walk-ons.

Indiana: Indiana scored 73 points against Indiana State. It only seems fair to demand that a Michigan offense be twice as good as Indiana's and put up 146.

Nebraska: What will impress us against a defense that gave up over 600 yards to Wyoming? Wyoming was a little unbalanced; we'll need both 300 yards passing and 300 yards rushing.

@Northwestern: Before putting up 35 points, ratchet up the difficulty level by packing Kyle Field full of Northwestern fans.

@Iowa: Beat the Hawkeyes so badly that they buy out Ferentz's contract the next day. Make Adam Jacobi seem happy about the state of Iowa football for once.

There you have it! Easy peasy Uqbar squeezy!

The Mysterious Case of the Not-Shutout Streak

(Author's note: Like our friends at MVictors, we love a good Michigan mystery, or Mich-stery, as it were.  This is not so much a mystery but trying to account for an extra 12 games.)

October 20, 1984.  Michigan loses to Iowa at Kinnick 26-0.  This is the last known date that a Michigan football team failed to score in a Division I-A or I-FBS football contest.  Since that date and including this season's two games, Michigan has played 352 games and scored points in all of them.  This puts them within striking distance of BYU's record of 361 consecutive games with points.

There's just one problem.  The NCAA record book already thinks Michigan has the record, except where it doesn't.

This is a link to the NCAA FBS record book for 2013.  Buried deep within the book, on Page 117, you will see a header that says "Longest Streak of Games Without Being Shut Out" and you will see it says 362-Michigan.  This is 12 more games than the Bentley archive credits Michigan with during the streak.  Oddly, it makes no sense, as Michigan's streak before the 1984 Iowa game extends back to 1977 and the "We're #1, no wait" Minnesota debacle.

But wait, go back to page 18 of the record book.
MOST CONSECUTIVE GAMES WITHOUT BEING SHUT OUT
361—BYU, Oct. 3, 1975, through Nov. 15, 2003 (ended with 3-0 loss to Utah, Nov. 22, 2003)

So, the records conflict, but the front of the book is accurate.

Trust me, I want Michigan to get this record, it's one of the few things that ties every era of Michigan football in my lifetime together.  But I want it to be legitimate and the fact that game 361 to tie it would be Iowa and 362 to beat it would be Ohio State would make it all the better.  But the current number is actually, really 352.

Light in the Dark

(Author's note: Apologies for a lack of game column last week.  I was on a special assignment which I hope I can talk about soon, oh and I am trying to sell my condo.
But UTL requires a column.)

Devin Gardner: New 98. (Photo by Eric Upchurch from the MGoBlog photo stream.)

In the end, the lights were on, and someone was home.  For a sixteenth straight occasion, Michigan's football players walked off their home field in triumph, having first made their way to the student section to share the moment with their peers.  There were gimmicks to be sure, Michigan Stadium's first thank you tifo, lasers, flyovers, celebrity cameos, the most underutilized giant disco ball in the history of mankind, but they were ephemeral to what was a Michigan football experience at its core, dread, hope, more dread, still more dread, and finally relief.

Zach Helfand wrote a tremendous game column on how Gardner's teammates rallied Gardner and the team back after the darkest moment of the night, the moment where things could have gone all Achebe* and would earn Michigan a place in the pantheon of NBC Sports Network replays of Notre Dame classics and would have strangled the hopes of the nascent 2013 season in the crib.  Recent history, which is to say those days under the leadership of Brady Hoke, would tell us that we need not worry about the disasters of the past, that a steady hand at the tiller on the Michigan sidelines will find a way to guide the result into a soft landing and a Michigan win in the Big House.  But the past lives in a Michigan fan's heart, that dread encoded into our DNA both as birthright and as mutation wrought by the losses of the past where fourth quarter leads set like the early autumn sun over the press box, leaving just blood-stained skies and deeply held anguish.

*-To go Achebe-When things fall apart.  From the 1958 novel of the same name by the recently passed Nigerian author Chinua Achebe.

But while the past is instructive, it is not destiny.  Just as they had done in 2007 in destructive fashion, 2009 in comeback fashion, 2011 in destructive comeback fashion, Michigan once again found a way to remind Notre Dame that while they may be parting ways for a while after next season, you can't ignore the history built up between the two teams.  No one has won a greater percentage of their games than these two teams.  (Notre Dame has fallen to third in FBS all-time wins behind Texas, but with the Irish playing Purdue this week and the Longhorns hiring Greg Robinson to fix their defense, I suspect the Irish may be back at #2 sooner rather than later.)  They have played a lot throughout my lifetime, with the renewal of the rivalry coming just a month after I was born.  But it is not to be.  There will be other big games, there will be other big moments, but it won't be Michigan/Notre Dame, which is a shame, because it should be.  Even if it was four years off, two years on in a rotation with Michigan State and Purdue, it would be something, it might even be more of something.  But pride, money, and hurt feelings are in the way for now, so we will wait.

In the meantime, Michigan takes the New 98 and Snoop show out for a couple of more games against competition not to be overlooked, but that should be handled if Michigan plays to its potential.  The chances for more great moments, for more highlights, for more legacies will be there.  The lights are on, we're definitely home.

Photo by Geoff Zmyslowski and a pretty accurate assessment of where we were sitting Saturday night.

MGoMix 2013

We're back!  After a no news is good news summer, we're back with our breakdown of our new playlist for the 2013 season.  We tried to mix it up a bit while following our rules, no more than 80 minutes of music, make every effort not to repeat non-Michigan songs from previous years, and try to capture the upbeat mood of driving to Ann Arbor and walking to Michigan Stadium.  With that in mind, here we go:

  1). "Can't Hold Us" by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis (feat. Ray Dalton)

.@umichband You have one month to make sure "Can't Hold Us" is a stands tune for holding penalties. Don't let an SEC band do this first.
— Jeremy Bronson (@jbrons) July 31, 2013

When Jeremy's right, he's right.

  2). "Keep the Car Running" by Arcade Fire
I like Arcade Fire anyway, but the upbeat nature of this pushes me toward happy, and the older feeling vibe helps set the tone for the rest of the playlist.

  3). "It's Beginning to Get to Me" by Snow Patrol
Denard's gone and it's beginning to get to me.

  4). "Mr. Blue Sky" by Electric Light Orchestra
The official "I need to be in a better mood now" song of everyone, it's also an aspiration for Michigan Stadium weather hopes for at least September and October.

  5). "Under Pressure" by Queen and David Bowie
I don't know if we want to talk about this, but Michigan hasn't been to the Rose Bowl since 2007.  That's a while.  I don't know if there's any pressure, but maybe a little pressure can be a good thing?

  6). "No Church in the Wild" by Kanye West & JAY-Z (feat. Frank Ocean) 
"We'll make it out alive, alright alright, no church in the wild."  Plus, the backing track is just so so good.

  7). "The Payback" by James Brown
A little old school JB to remind us that there are payback games this year against Notre Dame, Nebraska, and Ohio State this season.  Payback, revenge.

  8). "Superstition" by Stevie Wonder
Pro tip: You can rarely go wrong with JB and Stevie Wonder back to back.

  9). "Hot Rod Lincoln" by Commander Cody and His Lost Planet Airmen
Hey, so it turns out that Commander Cody has a BA and an MA from Michigan, so you get a classic rockabilly track with a Michigan connection.

10). "Shining Star" by Earth, Wind & Fire
So my two year old son loves The Muppets, so to save our sanity, we added Muppets from Space to the Muppet rotation this summer.  While not a perfect movie by any means, it does have an awesome classic soul soundtrack.  Another one for the "oh man, just feels good to hear" pile.

11). "Right Place, Wrong Time" by Dr. John
Also known as the official anthem of fumble luck.

12). "Mountain Sound" by Of Monsters and Men
For the record, I love every track on My Head is an Animal so it was hard to choose, but I went with the most upbeat and peppy of selections.

13). "Feel Again" by OneRepublic
Yeah, it's Year 3 of Brady Hoke's tenure and this song sort of captures the feeling of "back to feeling something familiar."  Pasadena would help that more.

14). "Glad All Over" by The Dave Clark Five
Yes, my theme with this year's playlist is clearly happiness.  Crystal Palace's official anthem is this Britpop classic (also the Muppets used it in Muppets: Letters to Santa.  We have watched a lot of Muppets in this house in the past year.)

15). "Battle Born" by The Killers
I love this song anyway, but Tim Thompson did amazing video introductions for Stanley Cup playoff games for the CBC this spring, so when he used this track from The Killers most recent album, I was just agog.  I don't care if it's yet another Brandon Flowers' ode to his native Nevada, it's soaring, amazing, and epic.  Love it. "Cause you can't stop now."

16). "I Can't Turn You Loose" by The Blues Brothers
17). "Everybody Needs Somebody To Love" by The Blues Brothers
"We're so glad to see so many of you lovely people here tonight and we would especially like to welcome all the representatives of the Big Ten officiating community who have chosen to join us here in the Michigan Amphitheater at this time. We do sincerely hope you'll all enjoy the show and please remember people, that no matter who you are and what you do to live, thrive and survive, there're still some things that make us all the same. You, me, _them_, everybody, everybody."

18). "I Can't Turn You Loose" by Michigan Marching Band
And suddenly, I am craving cake and electronic dis-co.

19). "M Fanfare" by Michigan Marching Band
20). "The Victors" by Michigan Marching Band
21). "Temptation" by Michigan Marching Band
22). "Hawaiian War Chant" by Michigan Marching Band
23). "Varsity" by Michigan Marching Band
24). "Star Spangled Banner" by Michigan Marching Band
All from A Saturday Tradition, of course, because you have to respect the classics.

We hope this season is worthy of the happiness that this playlist tries to convey.  We'll see you back very soon.