Michigan vs. Michigan State: Remedial Chaos Theory

Ever wonder why they called it "Greendale" and not "Maizedale"?

INT. DANNY PUDI AND DONALD GLOVER'S APARTMENT, GREENDALE, CO (TIMELINE 2: WHEREIN I WISH IT WERE SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT)

The PIZZA GUY rings the buzzer. EVERYONE touches their noses simultaneously.

JOEL MCHALE

Ugh. OK, staring on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.

DANNY PUDI

Just so you know, Joel, you are now creating six different timelines.

JOEL MCHALE

Of course I am, Danny.

The DIE lands with the number TWO facing up.

JOEL MCHALE

Two. One, two, Alison.

ALISON BRIE

OK, fine.

CUT TO:

INT. SPARTAN STADIUM, EAST LANSING, MI

At 10:45 of the 3rd quarter, WILL GHOLSTON receives a personal foul for facemasking DENARD ROBINSON, but is not ejected.

At 6:56 of the 4th quarter, AL BORGES calls a read-action run for VINCENT SMITH that converts a fourth down at the MSU 9. MICHIGAN scores soon after and ties the game at 21.

At 4:40 of the 4th quarter, THOMAS GORDON intercepts KIRK COUSINS and returns the ball for a touchdown. MICHIGAN leads 28-21.

Thanks to solid defensive play down the stretch, the score remains the same. MICHIGAN wins, 28-21.

INT. DANNY PUDI AND DONALD GLOVER'S APARTMENT, GREENDALE, CO (TIMELINE 4: WHEREIN GOOD SPORTSMANSHIP RULES THE DAY)

The PIZZA GUY rings the buzzer. EVERYONE touches their noses simultaneously.

JOEL MCHALE

Ugh. OK, staring on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.

DANNY PUDI

Just so you know, Joel, you are now creating six different timelines.

JOEL MCHALE

Of course I am, Danny.

The DIE lands with the number FOUR facing up.

JOEL MCHALE

Four. One, two, three, four, Yvette.

YVETTE NICOLE BROWN

OK. Just don't let my pies burn!

CUT TO:

INT. SPARTAN STADIUM, EAST LANSING, MI

At 10:45 of the 3rd quarter, WILL GHOLSTON receives a personal foul for a late hit on DENARD ROBINSON, but does not commit a facemask. MSU commits no other personal fouls for the rest of the game.

At 6:56 of the 4th quarter, AL BORGES calls a play-action pass that fails to convert 4th down.

At 4:40 of the 4th quarter, ISAIAH LEWIS intercepts DENARD ROBINSON and returns the ball for a touchdown. MICHIGAN STATE leads 28-14.

Thanks to solid play down the stretch, MSU forces a Michigan punt and then tacks on one final score on a EDWIN BAKER run. MSU wins, 35-14.

After the game, MARK DANTONIO and BRADY HOKE shake hands, honestly wish each other the BEST OF LUCK in their remaining schedules, and SINCERELY HOPE that both teams can finish the regular season 11-1.

The pies do not burn.

INT. DANNY PUDI AND DONALD GLOVER'S APARTMENT, GREENDALE, CO (TIMELINE 3: WHEREIN I TRY TO GET A MENTION IN THIS WEEK IN SCHADENFREUDE)

The PIZZA GUY rings the buzzer. EVERYONE touches their noses simultaneously.

JOEL MCHALE

Ugh. OK, staring on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.

DANNY PUDI

Just so you know, Joel, you are now creating six different timelines.

JOEL MCHALE

Of course I am, Danny.

The DIE lands with the number THREE facing up.

JOEL MCHALE

Three. One, two, three, Chevy.

CHEVY CHASE

Crap!

CUT TO:

INT. SPARTAN STADIUM, EAST LANSING, MI

At 10:45 of the 3rd quarter, WILL GHOLSTON receives two personal fouls for a late hit and a facemask on DENARD ROBINSON, but is not ejected.

At 6:56 of the 4th quarter, AL BORGES calls a play-action pass that fails to converts a fourth down at the MSU 9 when DENARD ROBINSON is sacked.

ME

[This timeline differs from the prime timeline in that I actually lose my shit instead of just almost losing it] What the fucking fuck AL BORGES! Maybe you haven't noticed from your cushy COACHES' BOX, but it is fucking WINDY out there and DENARD ROBINSON and DEVIN GARDNER have not been able to make ACCURATE PASSES in the GODDAMN WIND! You and HOKE should go back to fucking SAN DIEGO where the weather is nice during all of FOOTBALL SEASON if you're going to call plays like you have NO FUCKING CLUE what the weather is like. It didn't help that the RUNNING GAME was so bad that FRED JACKSON only called the RB's performance "PRETTY DARN GOOD." And the PATHETIC defense! HOW MANY TIMES did an MSU runner get grabbed at the line of scrimmage, only to not ACTUALLY GET TACKLED until he was FIVE YARDS DOWNFIELD?! It was like you had replaced GREG MATTISON with GREG ROBINSON for the week! Pathetic, ABSOLUTELY PATHETIC. Maybe by the PURDUE GAME you'll have a PLAN to cover the HOT RECEIVER when you call a FREAKIN' BLITZ!

MICHIGAN STATE wins, 28-14.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

AUDIENCE

No, NBC, we will not watch Whitney.

INT. DANNY PUDI AND DONALD GLOVER'S APARTMENT, GREENDALE, CO (TIMELINE 6: WHEREIN BIG TEN OFFICIALS REMEMBER THEY CAN EJECT PLAYERS)

The PIZZA GUY rings the buzzer. EVERYONE touches their noses simultaneously.

JOEL MCHALE

Ugh. OK, staring on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.

DANNY PUDI

Just so you know, Joel, you are now creating six different timelines.

JOEL MCHALE

Of course I am, Danny.

The DIE lands with the number SIX facing up.

JOEL MCHALE

Six. One, two, three, four, five, six. Gillian.

GILLIAN JACOBS

Great.

CUT TO:

INT. SPARTAN STADIUM, EAST LANSING, MI

At 10:45 of the 3rd quarter, WILL GHOLSTON receives two personal fouls for a late hit and a facemask on DENARD ROBINSON. He is also EJECTED, just like MIKE PEREIRA said he should have been.

At 6:56 of the 4th quarter, AL BORGES calls a play-action that converts a fourth down at the MSU 9. The MSU defense holds for three plays. BRENDAN GIBBONS kicks a short FIELD GOAL. MICHIGAN trails, 21-17.

At 4:31 of the 4th quarter, Michigan gets the ball back. KEVIN PICKELMAN gets a personal foul for a late hit on DENARD ROBINSON and is ejected. DENARD ROBINSON is slightly shaken up, but otherwise uninjured. A sideline warning is issued to Michigan State Defensive Co-ordinator PAT NARDUZZI.

Thanks to solid defensive play down the stretch, the score remains the same. MICHIGAN STATE wins, 21-17.

INT. DANNY PUDI AND DONALD GLOVER'S APARTMENT, GREENDALE, CO (TIMELINE 1: WHEREIN DONALD GLOVER GETS THE PIZZA)

The PIZZA GUY rings the buzzer. EVERYONE touches their noses simultaneously.

JOEL MCHALE

Ugh. OK, staring on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.

DANNY PUDI

Just so you know, Joel, you are now creating six different timelines.

JOEL MCHALE

Of course I am, Danny.

The DIE lands with the number ONE facing up.

JOEL MCHALE

One. Donald.

DONALD GLOVER

Dammit. I'm gonna go as fast as I can so I don't miss anything.

CUT TO:

INT. SPARTAN STADIUM, EAST LANSING, MI

At 10:45 of the 3rd quarter, WILL GHOLSTON does not receive a personal foul for facemasking DENARD ROBINSON.

At 6:56 of the 4th quarter, AL BORGES calls a play-action that does not convert 4th and 1 at the MSU 9.

At 4:40 of the 4th quarter, ISAIAH LEWIS intercepts DENARD ROBINSON and returns the ball for a touchdown. A flag is thrown.

BILL LEMONNIER

Personal foul, unsportsmanlike conduct, Michigan State, taunting. By rule, it is a spot foul. The ball will be placed on the Michigan 17-yard line.

At 4:23 of the 4th quarter, JORDAN KOVACS intercepts KIRK COUSINS and returns the ball 90 YARDS for a touchdown. As the extra point is being set up, a FREAK GUST OF WIND blows a couch off a nearby FRONT YARD into the MICHIGAN STATE END ZONE. Like all couches placed in Spartan Stadium, it SPONTANEOUSLY CATCHES ON FIRE. The MSU defense reacts to the fire by pulling SAWED-OFF SHOTGUNS out of their PRO COMBAT JERSEYS and shooting randomly at the Michigan sideline. The MICHIGAN SIDELINE produces some AK-47s and FIRES BACK. Fans and spectators start running towards the exits. SPARTAN STADIUM collapses due to the stampede, and TENS OF THOUSANDS die.

During the panic, DAVID MOLK destroys his LARYNX attempting to stop the madness by EATING the PAUL BUNYAN TROPHY.

Not that it matters, but MICHIGAN STATE is declared the winner, 21-20.

INT. DANNY PUDI AND DONALD GLOVER'S APARTMENT, GREENDALE, CO (TIMELINE 5: WHEREIN I FULFILL MY WISHES)

The PIZZA GUY rings the buzzer. EVERYONE touches their noses simultaneously.

JOEL MCHALE

Ugh. OK, staring on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.

DANNY PUDI

Just so you know, Joel, you are now creating six different timelines.

JOEL MCHALE

Of course I am, Danny.

The DIE lands with the number FIVE facing up.

JOEL MCHALE

Five. One, two, three, four, five. Danny.

DANNY PUDI

I'm on it.

CUT TO:

INT. SPARTAN STADIUM, EAST LANSING, MI

At 10:45 of the 3rd quarter, WILL GHOLSTON receives two personal fouls for a late hit and a facemask on DENARD ROBINSON. He is also EJECTED.

At 6:56 of the 4th quarter, AL BORGES calls a play-action that converts a fourth down at the MSU 9 and scores a touchdown. The score is TIED, 21-21.

At 4:40 of the 4th quarter, DENARD ROBINSON throws off his FRONT FOOT and hits ROY ROUNDTREE in stride, for a 65-yard TOUCHDOWN PASS. MICHIGAN leads, 28-21.

At 3:31 of the 4th quarter, KIRK COUSINS is INTERCEPTED by BLAKE COUNTESS, who returns the interception for a TOUCHDOWN. MICHIGAN leads, 35-21.

At 3:06 of the 4th quarter, EDWIN BAKER fumbles and it is recovered by RYAN VAN BERGEN. DENARD ROBINSON hands off to VINCENT SMITH for one last TOUCHDOWN. MICHIGAN wins, 42-21.

CUT TO:

INT. DANNY PUDI AND DONALD GLOVER'S APARTMENT, GREENDALE, CO

DANNY PUDI

I sure hope this is the real timeline.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

AUDIENCE

NO, NBC, we will NOT watch WHITNEY!

INT. DANNY PUDI AND DONALD GLOVER'S APARTMENT, GREENDALE, CO (TIMELINE PRIME)

The PIZZA GUY rings the buzzer. EVERYONE touches their noses simultaneously.

JOEL MCHALE

Ugh. OK, staring on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.

DANNY PUDI

Just so you know, Joel, you are now creating six different timelines.

JOEL MCHALE

Of course I am, Danny.

DANNY catches the die before it hits the table.

DANNY PUDI

I don't think you should. Chaos already dominates enough of our lives. The universe is an endless, raging, sea of randomness. Sometimes the spot gives us a first down, sometimes we have to punt. Sometimes the official sees the penalty, sometimes they get away with one. Sometimes three times as many people watch Whitney instead of us. Life isn't fair. Our job isn't to fight randomness but to weather it together on the raft of life, a raft held together by those few rare, beautiful things we know to be predictable.

GILLIAN JACOBS

Ropes? First-down chains? Let him finish!

DANNY PUDI

Us. It won't matter what happens to us as long as we stay honest and understanding of each other's flaws and virtues. Alison can make fanboys on the Internet jealous of a guy who doesn't even own a toilet, Chevy is an all-time comedy legend, Donald always #cangetit, Gillian can convince everyone of you not at work to watch Choke right now, Yvette will always be severely underrated, and Joel and Pat Narduzzi will forever remain conniving sons of bitches. There are six sides to this die and seven of us. Joel devised a system whereby he never has to get the pizza.

JOEL MCHALE busts out a SHIT-EATING GRIN. PAT NARDUZZI said "That's what we tried to do, 60 minutes of unnecessary roughness. I'm just glad they didn't call it every snap." News reports did not calculate the SHIT-EATINGNESS of his GRIN.

DONALD GLOVER

I think we just found our pizza getter.

JOEL stands up and hits his head on the CEILING FAN. MICHIGAN STATE hosts WISCONSIN on Saturday.

ALISON BRIE

Karma!

JOEL leaves to pay for the pizza. The MICHIGAN MARCHING BAND's rendition of "Roxanne" starts to play.

GILLIAN JACOBS

Roxanne!

GILLIAN JACOBS and YVETTE NICOLE BROWN

You don't have to put on the red light!

GILLIAN JACOBS, YVETTE NICOLE BROWN, and ALISON BRIE

Those days are over, you don't have to sell your body to the night.

EVERYONE

Roxanne, you don't have to put on the red light

Roxanne put on the red light

Roxanne put on the red light

JOEL returns with the PIZZA. MICHIGAN STATE defeats MICHIGAN 28-14. Everyone is sad and angry for a little bit except for JOEL, who's secretly happy because he's still mad at Michigan over that PHILIP BRABBS kick from 2002. But after a little bit of time being sad, everyone realizes that they're still with their FRIENDS WHO THEY LOVE, they have their FAMILIES TO CARE FOR, and they still have the SPECIAL THINGS TO DO THAT MAKE THEM SPECIAL, like cure cancer, go to space bitches space, design aircraft engines, or teach the next generation. Call it SETTLING THE SCORE, call it REVENGE, call it a REMATCH, but it's not going to happen for a year, and we're going to do WONDERFUL THINGS in the meantime. That's THE MICHIGAN DIFFERENCE (TM).

COMMERCIAL BREAK

AUDIENCE

NO, NBC, WE WILL NOT WATCH WHITNEY! Do you want us to list reasons? Fine!

• ALISON BRIE is hotter and funnier than WHITNEY.
• GILLIAN JACOBS is hotter and funnier than WHITNEY.
• YVETTE NICOLE BROWN is hotter and funnier than WHITNEY.
• JOEL MCHALE is hotter and funnier than WHITNEY.
• DANNY PUDI is hotter and funnier than WHITNEY.
• DONALD GLOVER is hotter and funnier than WHITNEY.
• JIM RASH is hotter and funnier than WHITNEY.
• KEN JEONG is hotter and funnier than WHITNEY.
• CHEVY CHASE is hotter and funnier than WHITNEY.
• DINO STAMATOPOULOS and LUKE YOUNGBLOOD are hotter and funnier than WHITNEY.
• They may bring back LAUREN STAMILE and MAITE SCHWARTZ, and they are both hotter and funnier than WHITNEY.
• JOHN GOODMAN is hotter and funnier than WHITNEY.
• MICHAEL K. WILLIAMS was hotter and funnier than WHITNEY was he was playing OMAR FUCKING LITTLE.
• ANNIE'S BOOBS is hotter and funnier than WHITNEY.

INT. LIBRARY STUDY ROOM, GREENDALE COMMUNITY COLLEGE, GREENDALE, CO

The STUDY GROUP are all wearing NOBEL PRIZES FOR PHYSIOLOGY OR MEDICINE around their necks.

DANNY PUDI

Guys, I've been thinking about that night over and over. One thing has become clear. This is the darkest, most terrible, timeline. The timeline where Whitney not only swept all the comedy Emmys, but also the Emmys for dramas, miniseries, and talk shows. The timeline where Parks & Recreation was cancelled in favor of Outsourced. The timeline where Michigan State's football program plays dirty but is also truly and indisputably better than Michigan's, as they won the game despite Michigan getting all the breaks and making all the right calls. The timeline where the Washington Huskies have won 25 straight NCAA rowing championships, but haven't won a football game since 1990. This is the timeline where our study group won a Nobel Prize. Todd was right: we are the mean study group.

GILLIAN JACOBS

Ixnay on the odd-Tay! We can't have anyone know that we killed him and found the cure for cancer by extracting chemicals from his spleen.

DANNY PUDI

It's my fault really. I should have caught the die and not let Joel roll it. I failed to do that and we all suffered for it. There's only one way to fix this. We need to figure out how to re-enter the correct timeline and, once we get there, kill the versions of ourselves and retake our rightful lives. I've made felt goatees until such time as we can grow real ones. I've just got to send off these two by airmail and we'll be ready to get started.

CHEVY CHASE

Speaking of "air male," that's what Eartha Kitt called me after I banged her in an airplane bathroom! What? It came up organically. And why would we want to leave this timeline? It's awesome for us. [CHEVY smacks DANNY in the head.]

DANNY PUDI

I was expecting that. You see, these goatees aren't for us. They're for two other people who need to escape from this timeline. In this timeline, all altruistic acts are inevitably punished.

INT. MAIL ROOM, SCHEMBECHLER HALL, ANN ARBOR, MI

DENARD ROBINSON

Hey Fitz, look I got some mail! [opens package, removes felt goatees] Hey, felt goatees, cool! [gives one to Fitzgerald Toussaint]

FITZGERALD TOUSSAINT and DENARD ROBINSON

[singing] Evil Fitz and Evil Denard!

FIN

LEGAL STUFF

Community, the characters of TODD and ANNIE'S BOOBS, the dice VFX image, and the GREENDALE COMMUNITY COLLEGE FLAG are copyright Sony Pictures Television. Whitney is copyright NBC Studios, LLC. Parody is fair use.