A secret society of the eight wealthiest mascots in the Northeast has just convened at an estate in Providence, RI, otherwise known as John Marinatto's basement. Chip crumbs, an almost empty bowl of mango-peach salsa, and an apology note to Sean Keeley form a still-life on an otherwise empty table. The basement itself is a 16-sided room, from which the mascots control the Northeastern bank money supplies, Fort Dix, ESPN and the Wesleyan College student newspaper.
On the walls of this room are eight seals. They are known as The Octosigillion.
Parental discretion is advised.
(holding a copy of C.F. Gauss's Disquisitiones Arithmeticae)
Listen up, ladies and gentlemen and neuters. TCU's going to be joining us soon, so we have to renovate this room so that it is a regular 17-sided polygon. In order to do that, the contractors have asked us to rate ourselves from best to worst-designed. Since we don't have names, I propose we adopt the names of our school's mascots for this discussion. Are you OK with that, Otto?
Wisterias and wonderlands! (coughs) I mean, whatever, as long as we don't have to have the same personalities. I'd hold off on those plans, Husky. Isn't that right, Panther?
Can we just get out of here? Otto and I got the invite from Greensboro, and we're heading down to the ACC. You coming with us, 'Eer?
The only message I got from ACC country is that we should do the ranking anyway, because a Michigan sports blog needs some midweek filler content during football season.
Let's get started then! This can only help with my Big Ten application!
(waking up from a nap) A pox on the Big Ten. They've ruined college football. Princeton Tiger and I should never have let anyone else play. (falls asleep again)
Come now, Knight, don't be so grumpy. They're the only conference in recent memory to honor your 1869 championship by having a game end 6-4.
1869? Wow Rutgers, you're so old and stupid your seal claims that you're in the West! WTF is up with that?
For pete's sake, Bull, it was 1766. Even I was in the west then. I controlled Cleveland for some reason. And since when do you know anything about geography? You're called SOUTH Florida and yet you're in Tampa.
Well, it's still south of all of you old fucks!
And look at the map on your seal! All your geography professors must cry themselves to sleep each night. Where's Cuba? Where's Great Britain? Where's Greece? Why the hell is Scandinavia an island?
No Greece? No wonder Bull can never understand me.
Hey, my seal's just in touch with my students. None of them could draw an accurate map of Canada either.
Yeah, but the guy who's chronicling this conversation is Canadian, and he's gonna be pissed. So are we in agreement, Bull is a major "needs improvement" on the geographic accuracy? (Everyone yells out: aye!)
So Bull, it looks like you're getting the spot next to the restrooms. You'll have to see whatever the hell the Panther mascot does in there.
Um, do I need to remind you, Panther and I are out of here.
Get lost, Otto. You think your laurel is impressive, but it's about as lazy as seal design goes. And you're so insecure that you need to paint your initials orange? I think even a Syracuse student could figure out the school's initials are "SU."
At least I'm not as dumb as Texas and didn't make the whole seal orange.
(sighing) I can't believe I ever went out with you. It was only because I was on the rebound from Kragthorpe, and compared to him, even you looked strong and manly...
I knew it!
Screw you cultores, I'm outta here! (leaves, plans this)
Well I guess that puts Otto in 7th. Everyone else that's left actually tried, so it's going to be a little harder from now on.
Old Man Rutgers doesn't look like he put much thought into it. It's just a sun! At least I had a sun and a globe!
(wakes up) You whippersnapper! In 1766 a seal had to actually seal scrolls of paper shut. And we were hard at work those days preparing for a little war called the American Goshdarn Revolution! I spent winter at Valley Forge with a fellow named Darrell that lost so much weight you'd swear you couldn't see him from sideways. After the war, he swore he'd never be hungry again. I wonder what became of him.
Knight, is Sol really the best symbol for the state university of New Jersey? The state that's home to the orange Oompa-Loompas?
What's an Oompa-Loompa? And our state's overtanning epidemic is due to those infernal machines, not the sun. Curse Thomas Edison and his distribution of electricity! Back in the day, we tanned by candlelight and we liked it that way!
Do you know GTL doesn't stand for grandpa's a tired Luddite?
Speaking of which, it's time for a nap. (goes back to sleep)
So Knight finishes in 6th. Now can we get rid of the creepers? What the fuck is up with that oak leaf, Husky? Does UConn have some sort of kickass xeno-obstetrics program?
It's just an oak leaf and acorns. You know, Charter Oak, Connecticut History 101?
So you commemorate sticking something into a hole? So like your mascot.
I think that's supposed to be an artist's rendition of female genitalia, if you assume the artist has never seen any.
Come on, Cardinal! Just because you're the only woman here doesn't mean you're immune from criticism. What the heck is with those V's? You only get to use V's if your text is in Latin, Low-Vis-Ville.
And quit lying about your age. I appreciate that you're trying to protect us from that splenetic Frances Trollope, but I've got it covered. If she'd had some Skyline chili, she'd never have been so upset.
Guys, I'm Jove-damned Minerva. That's gotta be better than an oak leaf or a fallopian tube or whatever the hell that is on Husky.
Needless to say, Bearcat, Panther, and I are all better than those two. I have Greek and Latin, and I even didn't wuss out and use English on my establishment date like everybody else. Husky's 5th and Cardinal's 4th. Ok, guys, what do you got? I've got a drawing of my original school buildings, mountains in the background to symbolize stability, and, to keep it real with my state, the charred remains of couches out in front.
You're in West Virginia, right? Don't the mountains symbolize, um, mountains?
Mountains are stable...provided you don't take the tops off them to get at the precious, precious, coal.
Come on, 'Eer. When you started, you had two buildings. You looked like an elementary school. And in the ACC, they say a West Virginia degree's as good as a grade school one.
Oh, fuck you and your stupid ACC. You didn't put any effort into your seal. "Oh, we're in Pittsburgh, let's use the Pitt family coat of arms!" Real original.
We changed it up a little, asscat! We put the city and the Cathedral of Learning on top instead of a helmet. It has 2529 windows, you know. Windows into motherfuckin' knowledge!
Well I've got scales of justice, a caduceus, and a goddamn sword. And I was able to work in an acorn without it looking like a gonad! No offense, Husky.
None taken. So I think we agree, Mountaineer finishes 3rd. As for Bearcat and Cardinal, there's only one way to decide this. Panther, who's the best British Prime Minister?
Pitt the Elder, obviously.
Ok then. Bull, release the Lord Palmerston. (A spring-loaded boxing glove emerges from a door beside Bull and clobbers Panther, knocking the Pitt seal to the ground.)
Have fun in Dukiana, douche! So Panther, as usual, blows his chance to win a Big East Championship in the finals.
How ironic that our only football-shaped seal is our winner.
Congratulations, Bearcat. But what do we do about the renovations since we have no idea how many members we'll have next year?
(wakes up) Why don't we hire Frank Gehry to design a room where nobody has any idea how many sides it actually has, and make it reconfigurable for when I inevitably leave you for the MAC or ACC? (falls asleep again)
Works for me! And if we end up letting Iowa State in, they get the spot next to the toilet.
(enters, no one seems upset by the trespassing) Congratulations, Big East! You've taken over first place in the conference rankings, knocking SEC into 2nd, ACC into 3rd, PAC into 4th, B1G into 5th, and Big XII into last. Really the only thing about your seals that sucks is Bull's crappy-ass globe. But if you merge with the Big XII North, you'll be taking a big tumble quickly. Next week we'll see what TCU and the rest of the Mountain West are up to.
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