Tuesday, January 04, 2011

Glengarry Dave Brandon

We here at HSR were able to get a portion of the transcript of the continuing evaluation of Coach Rodriguez from inside 1000 South State Street.  While it is incomplete, our source, a Mr. David Mamet, assures us that it is very accurate from his transcript.  (Mr. Mamet, every apology in the world.)

Brandon: Let me have your attention for a moment! So you're talking about what? You're talking about...(puts out his cigarette)...bitching about that Gator Bowl you blew up, some recruit that doesn't want to commit, somebody in the media who wrote something unflattering, some scheme you're trying to implement and so forth. Let's talk about something important. Are they all here?
Ablauf: All but one.
Brandon: Well, I'm going anyway. Let's talk about something important! (to Robinson) Put that coffee down!! Coffee's for closers only. (Robinson scoffs) Do you think I'm messing with you? I am not messing with you. I'm here from the Fleming. I'm here from Mary Sue. And I'm here on a mission of mercy. Your name's Robinson?
Robinson: Yeah.
Brandon: You call yourself a defensive coordinator, you son of a bitch?
Rodriguez: I don't have to listen to this.
Brandon: You certainly don't pal. 'Cause the good news is -- you're fired. The bad news is you've got, all you got, just one night to regain your jobs, starting tonight. Starting with tonight's sit. Oh, have I got your attention now? Good. 'Cause we're adding a little something to next year's football season.  As you all know, first prize is a BCS Championship. Anyone want to see second prize? Second prize's a Legends Division championship. Third prize is you're fired. You get the picture? You're laughing now? You got leads. Mary Sue and the alumni paid good money. Get their games to sell them out! You can't close the leads you're given, you can't close shit, you ARE shit, hit the bricks pal and beat it 'cause you are going out!!!
Robinson: The leads are weak.
Brandon: 'The leads are weak.' Fucking leads are weak? You're weak. I've been in this business fifteen years.
Rodriguez: What's your name?
Brandon: FUCK YOU, that's my name!! You know why, Mister? 'Cause you drove a Dodge Stratus to get here tonight, I drove an eighty thousand dollar BMW. That's my name!! (to Robinson) And your name is "you're wanting." And you can't play in a man's game. You can't close them. (at a near whisper) And you go home and tell your wife your troubles. (to everyone again) Because only one thing counts in this life! Get more points on your side of the scoreboard! You hear me, you fucking maggots?
(Brandon flips over a whiteboard which has two sets of letters on it: ABC, and HAIL.)
Brandon: A-B-C. A-always, B-be, C-coaching. Always be coaching! Always be coaching!! H-A-I-L. Head's Up, Attacking, Interceptions, Leadership. Head's Up-- do the players have your attention? Are you using some form of stuffed animal? Attacking-- are you attacking? I know you are because it's sack or six with your defense. You stop them or you hit the bricks! Interceptions -- are you protecting the ball when you have it and taking the ball away when you doing.  And leadership. H-A-I-L; get out there!! You got the prospects comin' in; you think they came in to get out of the rain? Guy doesn't walk on campus unless he wants to play. Sitting out there waiting to give you their effort! Are you gonna take them? Are you man enough to take them? (to Rodriguez) What's the problem pal? You. Rodriguez.
Rodriguez: You're such a hero, you're so rich. Why you coming down here and waste your time on a bunch of bums?
(Brandon sits and takes off his gold watch)
Brandon: You see this watch? You see this watch?
Rodriguez: Yeah.
Brandon: That watch cost more than your car. I made $1,970,000 last year. How much you make? You see, pal, that's who I am. And you're nothing. Nice guy? I don't give a shit. Good father? Forget you -- go home and play with your kids!! (to everyone) You wanna work here? WIN!! (to Gibson) You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you special teams coach? You can't take this -- how can you take the abuse you get on a sit?! You don't like it -- leave. I can go out there tonight with the materials you got, make myself a 10 and 2 season! Tonight! In two hours! Can you? Can you? Go and do likewise! H-A-I-L!! Get mad! You sons of bitches! Get mad!! You know what it takes to sell win football games?
(He pulls something out of his briefcase)
Brandon: It takes a tiny white hat to win football games.
(He's holding a tiny white hat with a purple LSU on its crown, over his head--he puts them away after a pause)
Brandon: Go and do likewise, gents. The wins are out there, you pick it up, it's yours. You don't--I have no sympathy for you. You wanna go out on those sits tonight and close, close, it's yours. If not you're going to be shining my shoes. Bunch of losers sitting around in a bar. (in a mocking weak voice) "Oh yeah, I used to be a college football coach, it's a tough racket." (he takes out large stack of red index cards tied together with string from his briefcase) These are the new defensive recruiting leads. These are the ESPN150 leads. And to you, they're gold. And you don't get them. Because to give them to you is just throwing them away. (he hands the stack to Ablauf) They're for closers.
I'd wish you good luck but you wouldn't know what to do with it if you got it. (to Rodriguez as he puts on his watch again) And to answer your question, pal: why am I here? I came here because Mary Sue asked me to, she asked me for a favor. I said, the real favor, follow my advice and fire your fucking ass because a loser is a loser.
(He stares at Rodriguez for a sec, and then picking up his briefcase, goes into inner office with Ablauf)

(Addition: Two bits of thanks which I thought I had initially included:
Thanks to both of you.  And apologies for the swearing.  But, well, it's Mamet.)