Michigan Defense Theater: The Return - Experiment 1704: Purdilicus

INT. SCHEMBECHLER INSTITUTE

NOAH FURBUSH is piloting a spaceship while hitting a huge pile of AEROSPACE ENGINEERING textbooks.

WARDE MANUEL

What is he doing?

SUSIE HENDERSON

That's Noah Furbush, one of our top linebackers. He's probably working on a drone control algorithm for his capstone project. He's returning with the largest cache of Stephen Ross donations the world has ever seen.

WARDE MANUEL

That's really going to help with our funding problems at Schembechler Institute.

[blows nose with $100 bill]

A DISTRESS SIGNAL appears on the radar.

TV'S SON ON TV'S GERG

Five, four, three, two, one. Blog trap initiated. Mayday!

NOAH

Someone needs my help. This is Noah Furbush from the Schembechler Institute, I'm preparing to land.

A PNEUMATIC TUBE appears and sucks up NOAH FURBUSH.

THEME SONG

In the not-too-distant future, next Saturday A.D.
There was a guy named Noah, so much taller than you or me
He worked at Schembechler Institute
Just another guy in a maize jumpsuit
A distress call came it at five past noon
But an evil Sparty trapped him so he'll have to be a dude

I'll send him speedy runners, the best I can find
He'll have to stop, tackle them all, while I monitor his mind

Now keep it mind that Noah can't control when the runners begin or end
He'll try to keep his sanity with the help of his D-Line friends

Maurice!
Gary!
Chase Wino!
Mooooooone!

If you're wondering how he eats and breathes and other science facts
He's got a meal card and it's set on Earth so you should really just relax
For Michigan Defense Theater 3000!

INT. SATELLITE OF YOST

NOAH

Hi everyone, welcome to the Satellite of Yost. I'm Noah, and these are my friends Chase Wino and Mone.

MONE

You're not my friend!

CHASE WINO

Come on, Mone, Noah is our friend and trusted ally on the rare occasions that a runner gets to the second level.

NOAH

Since we've last been here, we've made a few upgrades. I've added an appetite simulator to Maurice - the good news is that he moves even faster but the bad news is he's always hungry. Gary handles all the higher functions on the Satellite of Yost so I've upgraded him to bigger and faster than you can possible imagine.

And everyone can fly now! But only on the football field.

A RED LIGHT flashes.

NOAH

Dammit, Moon 3-9 is calling.

INT. MOON 3-9

JEMELE HILL

Hello, Michigan duh-fense. I'm Jemele Hill, the latest in a long line of Michigan State fans, and I'm bringing back my school's most famous obsession, freaking out over Michigan football regardless of how well the Spartans are doing!

TV'S SON ON TV'S GERG

And I am the notorious henchman, TV's son of TV's Gerg!

JEMELE HILL

Nobody calls him that. His name is Graham Couch.

NOAH

[reading book]

It says here we're supposed to do an invention exchange. Well, we've noticed that Coach Harbaugh is always having trouble with the wire on his headphones. He even has a guy to hold it for him. So we've invented a pair of...wireless headphones! They have a special strap so that it's hard for him to smash them in a fit of rage.

JEMELE HILL

But wireless headphones exists. That's just Bluetooth.

NOAH

[angrily]

Oh, come on! I spent ten whole minutes on this!

JEMELE HILL

Why do people get mad at me for making obvious and true observations? Graham, send them a movie.

TV'S SON ON TV'S GERG

Enter the nightmare-fueled world that is Purdilicus!

MOVIE IN THE HOLE

EXT. BOWLING GREEN, KY

MIKE BOBINSKI (V.O.)

Somewhere if the forbidding hills of Western Kentucky, far below the Ohio River, a group of engineers were recruiting for halfway competent football players. But what they unearthed was a story, a story that would annoy half of the Big Ten. When events began that were to place a burden of decision involving the lives of an entire conference on my shoulders, I was far away, unsuspecting, unknowing.

DAVID BLOUGH and ELIJAH SINDELAR are operating a mining derrick. The drill sputters to a stop. They raise the drill and find it's covered in a red, furry, substance.

DAVID BLOUGH

Hold it! It's covered in blood!

ELIJAH SINDELAR

Ok shut it off. It's piece of pigskin, like leather.

DAVID BLOUGH

What kind of thing is down there? I don't know, but I intend to find out.

DAVID BLOUGH and ELIJAH SINDELAR dig up the thing and deliver it to:

INT. DELON AND ELIZABETH HAMPTON HALL OF CIVIL ENGINEERING, WEST LAFAYETTE, IN

MIKE BOBINSKI and DARRELL HAZELL are standing over the big red creature in a walk-in freezer.

MIKE BOBINSKI

It is extremely important that this...thing be kept in cryostasis. If the temperature in this room ever rises about minus 20 degrees Celsius, who knows what could happen?

DARRELL HAZELL

Sure thing! I will keep this creature safe.

[immediately leaves the freezer door open]

[falls asleep]

[lets the creature escape]

[is fired]

INT. PRESS CONFERENCE, MOLLENKOPF ATHLETIC CENTER, WEST LAFAYETTE, IN

MIKE BOBINSKI

Our engineers have discovered something amazing. This creature dates from prehistoric times, before Kyle Orton, when legendary feats occurred, like Purdue making the Rose Bowl.

Despite being frozen underground for years, it appears to have the ability to come back to life.

REPORTER

Does it have a name?

MIKE BOBINSKI

It's big and red, why not call it "Big Red?"

REPORTER

Why not Purdilicus?

[laughter]

MIKE BOBINSKI

Why not indeed? The name doesn't matter. What matters is that this creature has the incredible ability to regenerate itself from the smallest scrap of football ability.

INT. SATELLITE OF YOST

MONE

Noah, I'm confused. I thought bad football programs came from places like Illinois and New Jersey. But Purdilicus is from Indiana. Explain.

NOAH

I can explain, and I'll do it...through rap.

[rapping]

Purdilicus is silly but it really demonstrates
The great array of cupcakes all over the place
Not just in Illinois, but across the planet
An A to Z gamut of mediocrity

CHASE WINO

Example, please?

NOAH

Well name a league.

MONE

Atlantic Coast!

NOAH

Oh geez! Easy peasy mes amis!
See in the ACC they don't have offensive knowledge
Three points is enough to beat Boston College

CHASE WINO

Pac-12?

NOAH

Beating the Beavers is always a lock.

MONE

Pennsylvania?

NOAH

Seton Hill's gonna lose to Slippery Rock.

MONE

So it's not just in Piscataway?

NOAH

There's a lot of teams get blown away.

ALL

Every conference has a Rutgers
They're not afraid of in their nation
Every Rutgers has a conference
Except for Notre Dame

CHASE WINO

Who gave up 69 when they didn't play nice?

NOAH

Was it Conference USA? Then it must have been Rice.

MONE

Ivy?

NOAH

It's tough to lose to Columbia.

CHASE WINO

But they'll legacy admit ya even if you're dumb, yeah

NOAH

Aggies turn it over in New Mexico
Vandals dropping down to FCS in Idaho
Bulls up in Buffalo have 4th and 23 to go
Even if they gave me free tickets, I wouldn't wanna go

CHASE WINO

So, Mone? Ready to go? Start slow.

MONE

Kansas spent the GDP of Luxembourg
For a coach who was the size of Luxembourg

CHASE WINO

He schemed an advantage over Luxembourg

CHASE WINO & MONE

Then lost by four touchdowns to Luxembourg!

ALL

Austin Peay takes up the rear in the OVC
Vanderbilt is hopeless even when they win their first three
They're not so good at passin' or kickin'
So Bama gave them a 59-0 lickin'!

NOAH

[spoken]

Vanderbilt had 79 total yards of offense and never even reached their own 45 yard line, despite playing much of the game against Bama's second, third, and fourth strings.

[rapping]

Hornets, Demons, and Hose that's Blue
Elon, Georgetown, WCU
With cupcakes you can never get enough
Don't forget about Arkansas-Pine Bluff!

ALL

Every conference has a Rutgers
They're not afraid of in their nation
Every Rutgers has a conference (The Browns? That's the NFL!)
Except for Notre Dame

Every conference has a Rutgers
(VMI for the Colonial!)
They're not afraid of in their nation
(Big Ten Basketball? Rutgers!)
Every Rutgers has a conference
(Rutgers? Big Ten Volleyball!)
Except for Notre Dame
(Big Ten Softball? Rutgers!)

NOTRE DAME went 4-8 in 2016. People forget that.

EXT. MOON 3-9

TV'S SON OF TV'S GERG

Michigan Defense Theater is filmed and written weeks in advance, but wasn't published until October 4 because it was embargoed! Scroll down for more MDT3K Moon 3-9 the Moon!

INT. HAMPTON HALL

MIKE BOBINSKI is sitting at his desk, across from MISS MILLER.

MIKE BOBINSKI, DIRECTLY LIFTING DIALOGUE FROM REPTILICUS

Welcome, Miss Miller. We are not accustomed to seeing such a beautiful woman connected with science.

MISS MILLER

[lets out a massive sigh]

Oh, for fuck's sake. Let's just skip to the part where Purdilicus starts destroying stuff.

INT. LUCAS OIL STADIUM, INDIANAPOLIS, IN

PURDILICUS attacks the LOUISVILLE CARDINALS!

LAMAR JACKSON

What the hell!? This game was supposed to be a friendly tune-up in an NFL stadium, not a close game due to multiple backbreaking turnovers.

BOBBY PETRINO

We can drive Purdilicus towards its own end zone by unleashing our most dangerous weapon...a returning Heisman trophy winner.

LAMAR JACKSON scores a bunch of touchdowns. Purdilicus limps off, leaving the final destruction of Louisville to CLEMSON.

BOBBY PETRINO

We have fended off Purdilicus, for now.

[ominous chords play]

EXT. ROSS-ADE STADIUM, WEST LAFAYETTE, IN

PURDILICUS attacks the OHIO BOBCATS!

FRANK SOLICH

We have no idea where Purdilicus is going. First he's with the quarterback, then the running back, then the quarterback again, then he's going downfield! Our defense is powerless against him!

PURDILICUS eats the OHIO BOBCATS.

EXT. FAUROT FIELD, COLUMBIA, MO

PURDILICUS attacks the MISSOURI TIGERS!

THE GUY WHO REPLACED GARY PINKEL

We have no idea what's going on. Is there a rampaging monster nearby?

PURDILICUS refuses to eat the Missouri Tigers because they are already dead.

INT. MOLLENKOPF ATHLETIC CENTER, WEST LAFAYETTE, IN

MATT PAINTER

How we will stop Purdilicus? It's drawing valuable attention away from basketball, the only sport known to the state of Indiana.

MIKE BOBINSKI

What if...we fired a bunch of blitzes into the soft tissue up its throat? Used something radical like a 3-3-5?

MATT PAINTER

But no one here knows who to do that?

MIKE BOBINSKI

I'll have to bring in someone who can.

[calls Don Brown]

EXT. ROSS-ADE STADIUM, WEST LAFAYETTE, IN

PURDILICUS destroys the visitor's locker room!

PURDILICUS

What are you talking about? It was always like that.

PURDILICUS attacks the Michigan Wolverines!

DON BROWN defends with a 3-3-5!

PURDILICUS attacks with a throwback screen.

JIM HARBAUGH

Holy !@#$%! Purdilicus reached the endzone!

DON BROWN adjusts, because he always adjusts.

DEVIN BUSH

If I hit Purdilicus here, and here, and here again, and here some more, Purdilicus won't be able to move more than 10 yards in the second half and it will be stopped once and for all.

PURDILICUS dies after being battered by a million hits. Or does it???? A small piece of Purdilicus survives, capable of regenerating into a monster that can destroy the Big Ten West.

THE END?

INT. SATELLITE OF YOST

NOAH

I was cleaning out some old boxes here on the Satellite of Yost and I found some old letters. This one is from a G. Robinson in San Jose, California. Maurice, can you put it up on still-store?

MAURICE puts a childlike drawing of a STUFFED BEAVER up on still-store with the caption "Have you seen me?"

MONE

Oh, yeah, I saw that. We tore it up and made it into mustaches so we can dress up as Don Brown.

MONE and CHASE WINO appear on camera with awesome mustaches.

MONE & CHASE WINO

Heh, heh, heh.

NOAH

[puts on awesome mustache]

So am I a dude now?

CHASE WINO

Nah, you're still a guy.

INT. MOON 3-9

JEMELE HILL

This experiment is back and it's going to be bigger than ever! The ratings we'll get from the NYC and DC markets alone will more than justify our ridiculous carriage rate.

TV'S SON OF TV'S GERG

But this is a blog. No ratings.

JEMELE HILL

Well...at least we'll get some solid CPMs on our ad inventory. Pivot to video!

TV'S SON OF TV'S GERG

It's run on blogger as a hobby. No advertising, no sources of revenue. Reduces the legal concerns about writing long, obscure parodies.

JEMELE HILL

[sighs]

Push the button, Graham.

CREDITS

Thanks to the TEACHERS OF AMERICA. Thanks to all our KICKSTARTER BACKERS and all @HOOVERSTREET followers on the twitter dot com. Thanks to TWITTER and FACEBOOK for accelerating the outrage cycle to a speed when I only need to wait two weeks until casting Jemele Hill as a generic Spartan baddie. Thanks again to GRAHAM COACH for insisting that the EMBARGO be respected. R.I.P. DREW SHARP. Keep circulating the URL.

STINGER

PURDUE PETERSEN

This whole place runs on electricity.