ZACK NOVAK, STU DOUGLASS, TIM HARDAWAY JR., and TREY BURKE leave the Crisler Center after an intense practice.
ZACK NOVAK
Oh man, that was brutal! I could sleep for days!
STU DOUGLASS
Yeah, I haven't worked so hard since that time I managed to dunk against Tennessee. I'm exhausted.
TIM HARDAWAY JR.
I'd love to get some shuteye too, but Trey and I promised the girls we'd deliver the leis we picked up for them at the Maui Invitational.
JENNY RYAN enters.
JENNY RYAN
Hey guys, finally got some flowers for your ladies?
TREY BURKE
[carrying a large box] Yeah, we got 'em right here.
TREY notices a suspicious looking red and green van parked nearby.
TREY BURKE
Hey, there's usually nobody parked here this late except for Coach B and the staff. I hope nobody's in troub...
ZACK, STU, TIM, TREY, and JENNY are simultaneously hit in the backs of their heads with blunt objects, knocking them unconscious.
CUT TO:
INT. SATELLITE OF YOST
Our heroes awaken.
STU
What the heck is this place? Where are we? [notices a video camera] Hey cool, that is one awesome camera!
JENNY
This place stinks. It smells like Van Bergen dropped a deuce in here. I'm going to figure out how to get the life support systems running.
ZACK
Hey, Tim and Trey, we should go exploring. That's weird...a bunch of numbered doors...and behind them...a theater? What the hell?
CUT TO:
THEME SONG
In the not too distant future, Saturday A.D.
There was a guy named Zack, not too different from you or me
He worked at Schembechler Institute, just another face in a maize jumpsuit
He distributed mail all throughout the place, but his bosses kinda liked him so they made him set the pace
(Slow it down!)
We'll send him tall defenders, the best we can find
He'll have to thread it through them all as we monitor his mind
Now keep in mind he can't control when the games begin or end
He'll try to keep his sanity with the help of his backcourt friends...
BACKCOURT ROLL CALL!
Douglass! (Polarize!)
Jenny! (Hustle!)
Tim Jr.! (It gets better!)
Treeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyy! (I'm awesome!)
If you're wondering how he eats and breathes and other science facts
He's got a meal card and it's set on earth so you can really just relax
For Michigan Backcourt Theater 3000.
FADE IN TO:
INT. SATELLITE OF YOST
STU has ensconced himself behind the camera and is devoting his time to recording the proceedings for eventual use in a court of law.
JENNY
Zack, Trey, Tim! There's a bunch of weird buttons here. And there's a red one that's flashing.
TIM JR.
Since things can't get much worse, we might as well push it.
ZACK pushes the red button.
CUT TO:
INT. CASTLE KORNHEISER
SAGE STEELE
Hello, Wolverine nobodies! It is I, Sage Steele, most prominent female member of the sports media who attended one of Michigan's rival institutions.
CUT TO:
INT. SATELLITE OF YOST
TREY
According to your ESPN bio, you went to Indiana. So as long as we stick to talking about basketball, that's cool.
CUT TO:
INT. CASTLE KORNHEISER
SAGE STEELE
You won't be so flippant about Hoosier football when I become a board-certified asshole! You can't get any decent airtime on ESPN unless you're a board-certified asshole. Without certification, I'll have to share airtime with Colin Cowherd, or, ugh, Skip Bayless. I've hired two notorious Michigan-based assholes as my henchmen: Mark "Observer" Snyder and Mike "Bobo" Valenti.
MARK "OBSERVER" SNYDER
I just won an award for being awesome.
MIKE "BOBO" VALENTI
Spartans rule!
The doorbell to CASTLE KORNHEISER rings.
SAGE STEELE
That must be ESPN Vice President Norby Williamson. I'm bound to get a promotion when he sees what an asshole move I've pulled.
The doorbell to CASTLE KORNHEISER rings. BOBO opens the door after briefly being confused by the doorknob and NORBY WILLIAMSON enters.
SAGE STEELE
Norby, look at this dick move! I've kidnapped the Michigan basketball team's backcourt and imprisoned them. Just try and tell me Olbermann & Patrick ever pulled anything like this.
NORBY WILLIAMSON
Well, kidnapping five basketball players is impressive, but Michigan players? That hurts the Big Ten Network more than it hurts us. As an asshole move, it's 4/10 at best. If you'd stolen North Carolina's team and replaced them with impostors, like Vitale did before they played Florida State, that would have been a true Bayless-like move.
SAGE STEELE
Damn it! Well, I've got a backup plan. Observer, bring me Timeout Chasers.
MARK "OBSERVER" SNYDER brings SAGE a film reel. SAGE takes it and hits him in the head with it.
SAGE STEELE
[to the Satellite of Yost] All right, it looks like it's not enough to kidnap you, I also have to torture you. Since you've got a theater up there, it's time for you to enjoy...Timeout Chasers!
CUT TO:
INT. SATELLITE OF YOST
Lights start strobing and flashing in the Satellite of Yost.
ZACK, TREY, and TIM JR.
We've got game film sign!
CUT THROUGH NUMBERED DOORS TO:
INT. DRAYMOND GREEN'S APARTMENT, EAST LANSING, MI
DRAYMOND GREEN lies on the filthy couch is his filthy apartment, lying half-naked and splaying. He is eating cold, three-day-old HUNGRY HOWIE'S pizza. He is wearing a stained Under Armour T-shirt with the slogan, "We must protect this CASTLETON."
TREY
No, movie, I will not accept this as our star!
DRAYMOND gets up and opens up his fridge. It is empty. He then goes and sits in front of his computer and grabs his phone.
DRAYMOND GREEN
Hello? Is this Coach Merchant? I've got something awesome to show you at the airport. My grandmother is turning 75, and she's going to celebrate by skydiving with Sparty and finishing her dive by dunking a basketball! We've got to get her to come before games! Call Coach Izzo, he should see this too!
CUT TO:
EXT. JEWETT FIELD, MASON, MI
SUZY MERCHANT and TOM IZZO arrive at the terminal at Mason Jewett Field, where they are met by DRAYMOND GREEN.
TOM IZZO
Draymond, what's this all about? You know Lamarr Woodley would never let your grandmother be seen with Sparty. What are you really up to?
DRAYMOND GREEN
Well coaches, I did lie about my grandmother. But I've got something more awesome to show you. See this plane? It looks like an ordinary plane but it is, in fact, a time transport! We can use it to move forward or backward in time. I figure the coaches can use it to do extra film study during halftime, so we'll be really ready to dominate the second halves of games! I got the idea from Hermione Granger's time-turner in the Harry Potter movies.
SUZY MERCHANT
I don't know, Draymond. Does it really work?
DRAYMOND GREEN
Let's take it for a spin and find out!
DRAYMOND, COACH MERCHANT, and COACH IZZO board the plane. DRAYMOND sets the time co-ordinates to December 14, 2061. Once the plane reaches a safe height, DRAYMOND activates the time transport and the plane advances into the FUTURE.
CUT TO:
INT. BTB CANTINA OF THE FUTURE!
DRAYMOND lands the plane at Ann Arbor airport, and he, COACH MERCHANT, and COACH IZZO explore Ann Arbor.
DRAYMOND GREEN
Wow, huge crowd at Michigan Stadium. Hey, we've been out of the country for a while. What's up at the stadium?
BTB BURRITO MAKER
First round of the playoffs! Top seed Michigan vs. #16 seed Slippery Rock. New attendance record of 258,601. Coach Fritz Crisler Mk. 3 has really got the team playing at their best.
SUZY MERCHANT
I can't believe college football would ever get a simple playoff system in place.
BTB BURRITO MAKER
Yeah, I never thought it would happen either, but after Tuscaloosa seceded from the U.S. so that Alabama could claim 150 national championships, everyone finally decided something had to be done.
DRAYMOND GREEN
[hugs Tom] My friend here went to State. Are they in the playoffs?
BTB BURRITO MAKER
Oh man! They would have been if a holding penalty hadn't negated their last second touchdown against Slippery Rock. They ended up #17, first team out.
TOM IZZO
God damn Slippery Rock.
 |
| Pictured: A Green "S" we can get behind. |
CUT TO:
EXT. JEWETT FIELD, MASON, MI
DRAYMOND, COACH MERCHANT, and COACH IZZO return to the present day.
SUZY MERCHANT
We should show this to Coach Dantonio. There are a lot of moments in Spartan football where we could use a do-over.
DRAYMOND GREEN
No! I haven't had time to test it yet. We're all connected. Think of the ramifications!
TOM IZZO
Oh, what's the worst that could happen?
COACH IZZO leaves, phone in hand.
DRAYMOND GREEN
Hey Coach Merchant, wanna take another trip to the future? See what's going on with the basketball teams?
SUZY MERCHANT
Sure, they have to be kicking ass.
CUT TO:
EXT. POST-APOCALYPTIC WASTELAND
As the time transport advances into the future, the lights of EAST LANSING suddenly go dark, and are replaced with fire pits and flaming couches.
SUZY MERCHANT
Oh no! Coach Izzo must have given Dantonio and the football team access to the time transporter!
DRAYMOND lands the time transport next to the ruins of the BRESLIN CENTER. A group of thugs wearing pads and brandishing automatic weapons point their guns at DRAYMOND and SUZY.
TOM GHOLSTON (WILL GHOLSTON'S FIRST COUSIN ONCE REMOVED)
Who the hell are you? Follow us or die.
TOM leads DRAYMOND and SUZY into a makeshift throne room and locks them in chains. An ASTRONAUT is in a corner, making PANINIS. An aged, bruised, and scarred BRAD NORTMAN is locked in a cage in another corner, where a warrior runs into him every five minutes. An elderly JEREL WORTHY sits on the throne.
JEREL WORTHY
On your knees, strangers! Do you know how Spartans came to rule the country? After we were denied our right to play in the 2012 Sugar Bowl, we used the newly invented time transport to kidnap all of the college football players. The resulting riots from football-deprived fans tore this country apart, and we used the time transport to seize control of whatever remained. Bow down before me!
DRAYMOND GREEN
You fool! It didn't have to be this way!
JEREL WORTHY
You dare to question the mighty Spartan football team! Tom, kill them!
TOM GHOLSTON fires at DRAYMOND and SUZY but misses, accidentally shooting off their chains!
SUZY MERCHANT
Sparty, no! Dammit, those smug Wolverines are right. That is fun to say!
DRAYMOND and SUZY run back to the time transport, and head back to the present day.
CUT TO:
EXT. SKIES ABOVE INGHAM COUNTY, MI
DRAYMOND and SUZY's time transport materializes under heavy fire from a duplicate time transport containing TOM IZZO and MARK DANTONIO.
MARK DANTONIO
We have to stop Draymond and Suzy, Izzo! Stop and aim that Uzi!
TOM IZZO
Is this really necessary? I need him to play basketball!
MARK DANTONIO
Who cares about basketball? The only things that matter are football and complaining about how smug Michigan fans are! [grabs Uzi, shoots Tom]
MARK DANTONIO erratically fires the Uzi at DRAYMOND's time transport, causing DRAYMOND and SUZY to crash in a tree on the banks of the RED CEDAR RIVER.
DRAYMOND GREEN
[in serious pain] I have to get back to the airport and stop Dantonio from stealing the time transport!
CUT TO:
EXT. JEWETT FIELD, MASON, MI
DRAYMOND GREEN #2 stumbles back to the airport, where he sees MARK DANTONIO secretly constructing a duplicate time transport. He gets his phone and calls himself.
DRAYMOND GREEN #2
Draymond! You have to get to the airport immediately! Dantonio is stealing the time transport!
DRAYMOND GREEN #1
Who are you? How do you know about the time transport?
DRAYMOND GREEN #2
It's too hard to explain! Just get to the airport a.s.a.p.!
MARK DANTONIO looks up and sees DRAYMOND #2 on the phone. He pulls out an Uzi.
MARK DANTONIO
All right, Draymond, you better come here. You and I are taking a trip to the past. We're going to put an end to Ann Arbor once and for all.
DRAYMOND #1 arrives in time to see MARK DANTONIO set the time transport to December 1836. He sets the co-ordinates of his own transport to December 1836 and gives chase.
CUT TO:
INT. FROSTBITTEN CONVENTION, ANN ARBOR, MI, DECEMBER 14, 1836
DRAYMOND GREEN #2 and MARK DANTONIO land their time transports on the south bank of the Huron River. DANTONIO sets out in chase of DRAYMOND #2. DRAYMOND #1 lands his time transport on the bank of Allen Creek.
MARK DANTONIO
You're running out of room to run, Draymond!
DRAYMOND GREEN #2
I've got the entire Michigan Territory, Hudson's Bay Company Territory, unorganized Dakota Territory, Oregon Territory, Republic of Texas, and Republic of Mexico to run through! That's further than you can run!
MARK DANTONIO starts firing his Uzi, drawing the attention of the convention attendees, who have already been infiltrated by DRAYMOND GREEN #1.
DRAYMOND GREEN #1
You're through, Dantonio! I just told Stevens T. Mason that you're an Ohio spy!
MARK DANTONIO
But I work for the finest school in all of Michigan, Michigan State University! Um, Michigan Agricultural College?
STEVENS T. MASON
Why must you fill this room with lies? The finest and only school of higher learning is the Michigan territory is the wonderful Catholepistemiad! Get him!
STEVENS T. MASON and LEWIS CASS beat MARK DANTONIO with the butt ends of their rifles.
LEWIS CASS
Now that this Toledo War is finally settled, I hope that we can learn to wait to define state boundaries until such time as their northwesternmost regions are properly surveyed and defined.
DRAYMOND #2 and DRAYMOND #1 meet.
DRAYMOND GREEN #1
If only we could play together, we'd be the best frontcourt ever!
DRAYMOND GREEN #2
Damn NCAA anti-clone regulations.
DRAYMOND #2 flies back to the present in the time transport. DRAYMOND #1 does a bunch of stuff until his timeline catches up to DRAYMOND #2's.
JOHN S. HORNER
I propose that, in honor of the strange identical twins who defeated the Ohio spy, we name the capital of our new state Castleton!
LEWIS CASS, STEVENS T. MASON, and JOHN S. HORNER
Huzzah!
CUT TO:
INT. DRAYMOND GREEN'S APARTMENT, EAST CASTLETON, MI
DRAYMOND destroys the time transport software, USB drive by USB drive. His phone rings.
SUZY MERCHANT
Hey Draymond, I just wanted to let you know I'm all right. I'm so happy you stopped Dantonio.
DRAYMOND GREEN
Coach Merchant! How did you survive?
SUZY MERCHANT
Because this script has massive plot holes! Somehow all those time travel shenanigans kept Coach Izzo from dying too!
DRAYMOND GREEN
Here's to incoherence!
CUT THROUGH NUMBERED DOORS TO:
INT. SATELLITE OF YOST
TREY
Zack, there's something about this movie that confuses us.
ZACK
Yeah, that was weird. What do you find so confusing?
TREY and TIM JR.
Everything!
ZACK
Well, I still don't know why we're imprisoned, or why we had to watch a horrible movie. Let's all dress up like Spartans.
ZACK, TREY, TIM JR., and STU all put on HOPLITE HELMETS, CRIMSON ROBES, and TUNICS. JENNY puts on a CHITON.
EVERYONE
We're Spartans! Nooooooo!
FADE TO:
INT. CASTLE KORNHEISER
NORBY WILLIAMSON
So, Sage, your torture made them dress up like ancient Greeks? That's hardly torture at all. At least they were upset, so it wasn't completely pathetic.
SAGE STEELE
No, no, I can do much better! Just watch.
NORBY WILLIAMSON
You're not ready to host your own show yet. You're not a big enough asshole.
As NORBY starts to leave, he notices MIKE "BOBO" VALENTI lying half-naked and splaying on a couch.
MIKE "BOBO" VALENTI
[half asleep, muttering to himself] Most Michigan fans are nothing but Wal-Mart Wolverines. Daryl Stonum's DUI arrest means Brady Hoke's program is full of thugs, but the multiple arrests of Michigan State players just show that Mark Dantonio is giving young men well-deserved second chances. Brady Hoke got so fat by eating kittens. John Beilein killed and skinned the kittens for him. Denard Robinson wouldn't last 5 plays in the SEC. Michigan can't have been able to get Mitch McGary to commit without re-opening the Ed Martin money train.
NORBY WILLIAMSON
Wait a second. This "Bobo," he is your henchman?
SAGE STEELE
Yes, he is. I taught him everything he knows. Which isn't much.
NORBY WILLIAMSON
You trained him? He is a Grade-A asshole. I'll tell you what. You can have the late late night slot, 12:30-1:30. But this Bobo, he gets three hours every Saturday morning. He's a real dick!
SAGE STEELE
Well, it's better than nothing. You guys in the satellite, if you're sleeping, record my show. [pushes the button]
CUT TO:
CLOSING CREDITS
Thanks to the authors of the FIRST AMENDMENT and the TEACHERS OF AMERICA. Thanks to the CITIZENS and OFFICIALS of RUTLAND, VERMONT. Thanks to WOMEN'S BASKETBALL for existing so that I can actually cast female public figures for the female roles; that's a big improvement over the football episodes. SAGE STEELE was born in the PANAMA CANAL ZONE, which has nothing to do with anything but I thought was cool enough to mention. The character of TOM GHOLSTON is the son of one of WILL GHOLSTON'S cousins who doesn't like him very much, and yes, the astronaut was a Community reference. Keep circulating the TAPES.
CUT TO:
STINGER
MARK DANTONIO
It's time for you decide if you're gonna be one of my team players or not.
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