THEME SONG
In the not too distant future, Saturday A.D.
There was a guy named Jordan, not too different from you or me
He worked at Schembechler Institute, just another face in a maize jumpsuit
He did a good job cleaning up the place, but his bosses kinda liked him so they made him play in space
(Curse you GERG!)
We'll send him speedy runners, the best we can find
He'll have to stop, tackle them all as we monitor his mind
Now keep in mind he can't control when the games begin or end
He'll try to keep his sanity with the help of his D-Line friends...
D-LINE ROLL CALL!
Martin! (I'm Captain!)
Heininger! (Left side!)
Van Bergen! (Where've you been?)
Rooooooooooooooooh! (I'm sophomore!)
If you're wondering how he eats and breathes and other science facts
He's got a meal card and it's set on earth so you can really just relax
For Michigan Defense Theater 3000.
FADE IN TO:
INT. SATELLITE OF YOST
JORDAN
Hi, everyone, and welcome to the Satellite of Yost. Since Coach Hoke and Coach Mattison have given us a little time off after we beat Ohio, I've dusted off my old set of encyclopedias so we can study up on our next opponent, Virginia Tech.
VAN BERGEN
Jordan, this encyclopedia is completely worthless for my biography of Gary Danielson.
ROH
Yeah, Jordan, it's really old. It lists Woody Hayes as a "fairly stable young football coach at Denison University."
VAN BERGEN
It mentions the forward pass as a charming theory.
ROH
It calls Lafayette College a perennial power.
VAN BERGEN
Its list of college football's winningest programs is: "McGill: 1."
ROH
It says that using your hands to hold the ball is illegal.
VAN BERGEN
It's got a picture of the Big House.
JORDAN
So?
ROH & VAN BERGEN
Capacity 72,000?
JORDAN
So what you high-minded encyclopedia snobs are saying is that you want a new set? I'll get you a new set. You know, they got me through college.
ROH
You're still in college.
COMMERCIAL BREAK. INSERT ROTEL JOKE HERE.
JORDAN
OK, you bellyachers, I got you a brand spankin' new set of encyclopedias, each page with an Internet uplink so you can constantly update 'em.
ROH & VAN BERGEN
Man, this is incredibly up-to-date! Forty-one pages on Lana Del Rey alone!
JORDAN
Well, I think I've more than answered your encyclopedia grievances.
ROH & VAN BERGEN
No! It was much more fun to read the old ones and not have Jimmy Wales or GorillaWarrior or some Nickelback-wannabe programmer constantly personally appealing for me to give them money.
JORDAN
Whatever. The Mads are calling.
JORDAN pushes the red button.
CUT TO:
INT. FREEP 13
DREW SHARP
Your film this week is a piece of cheese called Sugar Mutiny. I'm not exactly clear what the mutiny is about, exactly. But it's got that guy in it, you know, from the other film.
CUT TO:
INT. SATELLITE OF YOST
JORDAN, ROH & VAN BERGEN
We've got game film sign!
CUT TO:
INT. FREEP 13
DREW SHARP
With football season just about over, Gerg, it's time to begin Phase Two of our operation. Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
TV'S GERG
Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
DREW SHARP
[slaps Gerg] Only I get to laugh maniacally!
CUT THROUGH NUMBERED DOORS TO:
EXT. LANE SPACIUM
NARRATOR
Seven seasons ago, our overpopulated college football landscape built the Coastal Division, a self-sufficient group of teams that would be home to hundreds of players on their way to a new and uncolonized championship game. Our current players have come to accept the Coastal Division as their home, and work to create a better conference for their freshmen. While most of the players of this generation are content, there are some who have grown restless and impatient.
INT. BUFFALO WILD WINGS CORPORATE HEADQUARTERS, MINNEAPOLIS, MN
MIKE LONDON and PAUL JOHNSON enter as ominous music plays.
PAUL JOHNSON
It was cruel fate to be born after the forward pass was legalized, but I intend for it to one day be illegal again!
MIKE LONDON
It was cruel fate to be hired to coach for a middling program in the fifth-best college football conference in the country.
PAUL JOHNSON pushes a button on a panel hidden deep within BW3 headquarters.
PAUL JOHNSON
Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
MIKE LONDON
Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
PAUL JOHNSON & MIKE LONDON
Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
CUT TO:
INT. WORSHAM FIELD IN LANE SPACIUM
During preseason scrimmage, LOGAN THOMAS rolls out of the pocket on a routine passing play, and, seeing his downfield receiver well-covered, double clutches. Suddenly, a sprinkler pops up out the grass. A hard-charging KWAMAINE BATTLE trips on the sprinkler and tears his ACL. CALLENDRA "CASEY" BEAMER starts to run out onto the field screaming, but is restrained by defensive co-ordinator BUD FOSTER.
CUT TO:
INT. COASTAL ONE
COMMANDER FRANK BEAMER
Computer, open file on "Bellarian Behavior."
1980s-STYLE FUTURISTIC COM-POOT-OR
Bellarians, aka Virginia Tech Competitive Cheerleading Team. Non-football-based practitioners of cheering. They only appear in this parody script because it wouldn't be complete without them.
CASEY BEAMER enters.
COMMANDER FRANK BEAMER
Casey, next time there's an injury on the field, let the medical trainers handle it.
CASEY BEAMER
But, Dad, I was there! The quarterback chickened out!
COMMANDER FRANK BEAMER
Casey, meet quarterback Logan Thomas. Logan Thomas, this is my daughter, Casey.
LOGAN THOMAS (aka LO-GUNS THOMAS)
Listen, lady...
CASEY BEAMER
Account Manager for the Carolina Panthers!
LOGAN THOMAS (aka TRENT STEELBEEF)
Listen, Account Manager for the Carolina Panthers lady! I couldn't throw the pass. The pocket collapsed suddenly, and there wasn't time to checkdown to the auxiliary backup receiver. Don't you think I realize a good lineman is lost for the season, a lineman I respected and loved?
CASEY BEAMER
Oh, I didn't realize you knew him. I know I'm just repeating lines from the original Space Mutiny script, but isn't this a really dumb thing to say?
CUT TO:
INT. THE FUTURISTIC BASEMENT OF LANE SPACIUM
PAUL JOHNSON
We have made an alliance with the space pirates and intend to force Commander Beamer to abandon his quest for the championship game and divert course for the Belk Bowl.
MIKE LONDON
You know this alliance violates galactic law, but so be it! I've had enough of being the second-best program in my own commonwealth. Third, if you count James Madison.
DAVID CUTCLIFFE
No, no! The law must be upheld! This is mutiny, this is treason, which I warn you I must report to Dick Vitale. He will shatter your eardrums if you do not abandon your plans immediately.
PAUL JOHNSON, MIKE LONDON, AL GOLDEN, and BUTCH DAVIS lead their teams to severe beatdowns of DAVID CUTCLIFFE's DUKE BLUE DEVILS.
PAUL JOHNSON
Is there anyone else here who would like to confuse victory with treason?
CUT TO:
INT. DOWDY-FICKLEN STADIUM, GREENVILLE, NORTH CAROLINA
CAPTAIN BUD FOSTER
Look out, space pirates!
RUFFIN MCNEILL
We have laid claim to this sector of turf. Leave at once or we will blow you to astro-dust!
LOGAN THOMAS (aka REX BULKHEAD)
Let's kick some ass!! [girlish scream]
LOGAN THOMAS (aka BRICK ABSWEILER) leads his team to a 44-16 victory over the EAST CAROLINA SPACE PIRATES.
FADE TO:
INT. CHICK-FIL-A — BLACKSBURG, VIRGINIA'S HOTTEST NIGHT-SPOT
LOGAN THOMAS (aka FURIOUS BRADLEY), JAYRON HOSLEY, and CASEY BEAMER are all grooving to the finest in CHRISTIAN ELECTRO HOUSE MUSIC.
CASEY BEAMER
[to LOGAN] Can a woman buy a man a drink in your galaxy? Holy frak, this dialogue is so bad it's impossible to parody.
LOGAN THOMAS (aka MUSCLE WILSON)
In my galaxy, sure, but in this galaxy, buying me a drink is an NCAA violation. I'll have to buy my own diet lemonade and waffle fries.
MIKE LONDON and PAUL JOHNSON enter, approach JAYRON HOSLEY, and forcibly remove him from the premises.
CASEY BEAMER
Hey, this is interesting. I know Jayron. What are those two coaches doing with him?
CASEY and LOGAN (aka CHEST KEENUM) leave the Chick-Fil-A, and see PAUL JOHNSON shooting JAYRON HOSLEY with a BW3 T-SHIRT GUN. JAYRON collapses to the pavement, and PAUL JOHNSON and MIKE LONDON drive off.
CASEY BEAMER
Do you know what this means? All of the other Coastal Division coaches are corrupt! If they've broken galactic law, that's a mutiny. We can call the NCAA on them!
LOGAN THOMAS (aka NATE SIZZLEHOUSE)
My guess is that the NCAA is too busy setting up an LSU-Alabama rematch for the BCS championship to worry about the Coastal Division.
CUT TO:
INT. WORSHAM FIELD IN LANE SPACIUM
BELLARIANS
Golden...fate has come for you...
AL GOLDEN enters with an bunch of frakkin' soldiers called the MIAMI HURRICANES.
COMMANDER FRANK BEAMER
Men, I run this spacium as a ship of peace. But against Al Golden and his men, there can be no quarter. Logan, if you'll accept, I'd like you to lead this team into battle.
LOGAN THOMAS (aka BULKARRI RAMBO)
OK, men, divide yourself into three groups. One group will be in charge of scoring points. The second group will be in charge of keeping Miami from scoring points. The final group will be in charge of special teams. Now let's kick some ass!!! [girlish scream]
JAYRON HOSLEY (hey, he died! actually, he had a concussion) has seven tackles. Chasing down LAMAR MILLER near the sideline, JERON GOUVEIA-WINSLOW's momentum carries him past the benches and over the RAILING into the front row of seats, causing a Lisfranc fracture that knocks him out for the season. LOGAN THOMAS (aka MARK MCLARGEHUYGE) goes 23/25 passing as the Hokies win, 38-35.
AL GOLDEN
Ah, screw it, nothing is worth the sanctions we're about to get. I'll just wait for Paterno to retire, and then take the job at Penn State. [phones rings] Wait, what? [long pause, looks horrified] Dealing with the fallout from stripper abortions is nothing compared to that. I guess I'll stay at Miami.
CUT TO:
INT. BOBBY DOWD STADIUM, ATLANTA, GEORGIA
BELLARIANS
Johnson, your time is at an end...
LOGAN THOMAS (aka VONTAZE BLOWFIST) and the Hokies are immediately surrounded by YELLOW JACKETS.
PAUL JOHNSON
Jeremiah, soften him up.
JEREMIAH ATTAOCHU punches LOGAN THOMAS (aka CRUNCHNEY UPSLAB) after a third-down stop, drawing a personal foul.
PAUL JOHNSON
Frak! Ye gods, I didn't mean moisturize him, but I did mean hit him legally during the course of the play!
Seeing that JEREMIAH ATTAOCHU's foul has cost GEORGIA TECH the game, PAUL JOHNSON flees on the RAMBLIN' WRECK. LOGAN THOMAS (aka CALEB PECBUSH) and CASEY BEAMER jump into a spare MODEL A and set off in pursuit.
LOGAN THOMAS (aka LUKE SQUATLY)
Look out, we're reaching speeds of three!
PAUL JOHNSON impressively makes a sharp 180-degree turn on the RAMBLIN' WRECK and sets his sights on LOGAN THOMAS (aka E.J. MANMUSCLE). LOGAN (aka CRUNCHEY LEGAUX) and CASEY jump off the MODEL A. PAUL JOHNSON, unable to control the RAMBLIN' WRECK, hits the MODEL A and plows it into THE SHAFT, where it explodes with the force of over 9,000 FORD PINTOS and sets off an enormous conflagration.
BUTCH DAVIS leads his TAR HEELS up to the conflagration, then orders them to stop.
BUTCH DAVIS
Forget about it! We'll never get through there! This mutiny is over, and my ass is so fired that I'm going to be replaced by a hat!
CUT TO:
INT. SCOTT STADIUM, CHARLOTTESVILLE, VIRGINIA
BELLARIANS
The time has come for London...
LOGAN THOMAS (aka JUSTIN BLASTMAN) leads the Hokies into Scott Stadium. They are heckled mercilessly by the fans of their in-commonwealth rivals.
COMMANDER FRANK BEAMER
Football? What it is good for? I don't know. Always seems to bring out the worst in fans.
The Hokies take a 28-0 lead one minute into the fourth quarter on a DAVID WILSON run. MIKE LONDON hides in an exhaust vent.
MIKE LONDON
Logan, it doesn't have to be this way! We can work something out!
LOGAN THOMAS (aka TANK CARDCHEESE) throws a meaningless touchdown pass to put VT up 35-0. LOGAN (aka JAKE FEELTHEBURNER) then goes and farts into the end of the exhaust vent, causing MIKE LONDON to retch.
COMMANDER FRANK BEAMER successfully pilots the Hokies to the championship game, where they are promptly conquered by THE CYLONS CLEMSON.
CUT TO:
INT. THE FUTURISTIC BASEMENT OF LANE SPACIUM
Ominous music plays as the camera pans around the wreckage. The camera finds and zooms in on Virginia Tech athletic director JIM WEAVER, whose apparently lifeless body is seated against a pillar. After a very very long time, his eyes open.
JIM WEAVER
Oh frak! How in the gods' names are we going to sell 17,500 Sugar Bowl tickets?
CUT THROUGH NUMBERED DOORS TO:
INT. FREEP 13
DREW SHARP
All right, gentlemen. Now that the football season is over, I have to go and write a bunch of articles about how John Beilein eats kittens and small children and put a stop to your basketball team's good play. That means you are now disposable. Gerg, push the black button.
TV'S GERG's finger slips and he pushes the PURPLE BUTTON. Lights start strobing and sirens start wailing.
DREW SHARP
Oh crap! You've activated the bureaucrat signal!
NCAA President MARK EMMERT teleports into FREEP 13.
MARK EMMERT
The bureaucrat signal indicates the Michigan players have been receiving illegal benefits here. Is that correct?
JORDAN
[through the satellite link] That's not true at all! Drew and TV's Gerg have forced us to watch terrible parodies of terrible movies all season! We didn't want to!
MARK EMMERT
According to Section 3811, Subsection 206, Sub-subsection 132 of the NCAA rule book, players forced to receive extra audiovisual benefits against their will are required to either cover their eyes or stick their fingers in their ears in order to receive as little benefit as possible. Did you do so?
JORDAN
No, sir.
MARK EMMERT
In that case, you are not eligible to play in the Sugar Bowl until you make restitution. The NCAA estimates the value of watching four parodies of awful movies at $20.00.
JORDAN
Well, I guess we can go without cream cheese on our bagels for a little bit. Will you accept Canadian Tire money?
MARK EMMERT
[scans the NCAA rule book] Surprisingly, there's no rule saying you can't pay in Canadian Tire money. We'll have to form a committee to take care of that in case this happens again, but for now, you're free to go play in New Orleans.
MARK EMMERT pushes a MAIZE & BLUE BUTTON. The door to the SATELLITE OF YOST unlocks and opens.
JORDAN, ROH, VAN BERGEN, HEININGER, & MARTIN
Woo-hoo, free at last!
MARK EMMERT beams back to Indianapolis. Lights stop strobing and sirens stop wailing.
DREW SHARP
Well, Gerg, now you've done it! What are we going to do now?
TV'S GERG
We've got those New Mexico season tickets - I'm going to go early and see if Bob Davie will give me a job.
DREW SHARP
I might as well head down to Albuquerque with you. That way I'll be fairly close to Tucson, ready to pounce when Rich Rodriguez makes a minor paperwork error. Push the button, Gerg, and let's go.
CLOSING CREDITS
Thanks to the authors of the FIRST AMENDMENT and the TEACHERS OF AMERICA. There actually are 41 pages on Wikipedia that link to the LANA DEL REY article. The role of CALLENDRA "CASEY" BEAMER was written for NICKI CLYNE. CASEY BEAMER is barely a public figure, and thus I thought it would be inappropriate to parody THE BALD IDIOT SCENE, a fact for which you should be grateful. A Google search for "BLACKSBURG NIGHTCLUBS" yielded no useful results, which is why I set that scene in a CHICK-FIL-A. The Space Mutiny names I thought up but didn't get to use were "MORRIS CLAYBONE," "RAY-GUN IRONSTRONG," and "DONT'A THICKTOWER." Keep circulating the TAPES.
STINGER
LOGAN THOMAS (aka BRICK HARDWELL)
[girlish scream]
1 comment:
Brilliance!
Post a Comment