(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction

A journey that began in 1879 has a new milestone.  (Nick Wass/AP Photo)

"When I'm driving in my car
And that man comes on the radio
And he's telling me more and more
About some useless information
Supposed to fire my imagination
I can't get no, oh no, no, no!
Hey, hey, hey!  That's what I'll say!."

--"(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction" from the band's 1965 single of the same name

It was a lot this week.  Which is weird because, in some ways, it was less than the week before, but in other ways, it was more.  But it was a lot as a fan, so I can only presume it was worse as a player or coach.  But it was reasonable to believe that the dust would settle enough when Saturday came, and Michigan would come out and play some solid football.

We must have forgotten a critical truth of the college football season.  The game before the Game is always stupid.  Deeply stupid.  To look back at the last few, there was last year's Illinois game, the 2021 Maryland game (perhaps the least stupid of the lot), the 2019 Indiana game in freezing rain, and the 2018 Indiana game that featured six Jake Moody field goal because the offense could not cash in.  It's not that it's a trap game; it's just you don't want to lose anyone to injury before The Game, and you don't want to put too much on tape.  That's a restrictor plate, and it can lead to some weird results.

Michigan came out flat initially, but after a Maryland field goal, it got an offensive touchdown, a strip sack touchdown, a punt block converted into a safety, and then a touchdown drive to go up 20-3.  Michigan looked ready to downshift into cruise mode, but Maryland had different ideas and got a touchdown to take it to 20-10.  OK, Michigan, actual two-minute drill practice, which was going well enough, even with a near pick by JJ, which then became an actual pick in the end zone on the next play.  There were many arguments as to why it happened: JJ's dinged up, and Roman Wilson had left the game as a precaution after a hit to the head on Michigan's second offensive drive.  Maryland had some momentum and would get the ball back to start the third quarter.

Sure enough, Maryland marched down the field and got a touchdown, and Michigan's 20-point lead was down to six, and every Michigan fan seemingly turned into a doom machine, especially when Michigan went three and out on three straight runs.  Maryland looked like it would march down the field to take the lead when Mike Sainristil reminded the Terps that to live by Taulia Tagovailoa's arm is to die by Taulia Tagovailoa's arm.  Sainristil got a crucial interception and nearly made it a pick-six before he was ruled down.  No matter, Michigan moved the ball downfield and used a Semaj Morgan jet sweep to put themselves up 12 (a failed two-point conversion was in the mix.)  Nope, Maryland immediately went back down the field and got another touchdown, and now, it was only down five points late in the third quarter.  Michigan punted, but the defense came through, with a critical sack of Tagovailoa on third and 13, which allowed Michigan to get the ball at midfield on the ensuing punt.  But then Michigan went three and out after a sure TD pass to a wide-open Cornelius Johnson on first down, but at least pinned Maryland inside their own ten.  Kenneth Grant got a run stuff, then a sack that was nearly a safety that set up third and 18, which resulted in a Tagovailoa armpunt to Mike Sainristil, again.  But once more, Michigan could do nothing with the ball, going backward thanks to a holding call in Trente Jones during a rare JJ McCarthy scramble during this game.  This left it again on the foot of Tommy Doman, who executed a dead solid perfect punt downed at the Maryland 1-yard line.  Four minutes remained on the clock, but Maryland would need to go the length of the field against a resurgent Michigan defense.  It ended up being moot because on second down, Michigan's pass rush forced Tagovailoa into a pass without forcing him out of the pocket that got nowhere close enough to a Terp receiver.  The officials threw a late flag and awarded intentional grounding in the end zone, thus a safety, giving Michigan a seven-point lead.  Maryland would never touch the ball again, and Michigan escaped College Park with a win, the 1,000th in team history.

Michigan played nowhere near their best football on this day, and it showed up repeatedly on the field.  But once more, Michigan won over a bowl-eligible team on the road.  It did what it needed to do.  Ohio State did its part, and, once more, 11-0 Michigan and 11-0 Ohio State will face off in another edition of The Game.  Who knows what potential horrors and distractions await during the week, but for one more week, Michigan kept all of its goals ahead of it despite all of the adversity it faced, self-induced and otherwise.

Nothing more to say.  Beat Ohio.

Tales from the Spreadsheet

• Win 1,000
• 31-24 is NOT a Scorigami (the other was a 1965 game against another ACC team, North Carolina.  29-24 would have been.  The consensus thought this would be a more common score, even if Michigan got there in a weird way.)
• 49,546 was the attendance (the smallest crowd to watch Michigan play a football game this season and the smallest crowd since...Maryland 2021.)
  
  
• Michigan moves to 10-1 all-time against the University of Maryland.
• Michigan has won seven straight over Maryland.
• Michigan moves to 15-4-1 all-time on November 18, breaking a two-game losing streak on this date, which started with the 2006 edition of The Game.
  
  
• Michigan moves to 45-4 when scoring exactly 31 points.
• Michigan moves to 16-18 all-time when allowing 24 points to the opposition.
• Michigan has won 51 games all-time by precisely 7 points, most recently the 2022 Maryland game.  (Fun Fact: Michigan also earned win #500 by a seven-point margin over Illinois.)