So your [CHOOSE ONE: once-proud / erratically successful / perennial also-ran / perpetual tire fire / Eastern Michigan] football program is struggling this year?
- Yes. Oh sweet jebus, yes.
- Nope. Not sure why I'm taking this fake survey.
What do you propose to do about it? (CHOOSE ONE)
- Do nothing. ROLL TIDE.
- Do nothing. Mediocrity is an impossible dream.
- Insist "They just need more time!"
- MAKE 'EM RUN STEPS
- Fire a coordinator
- Fire the coach
- Fire the AD
- FIRE EVERYONE
- BURN IT TO THE GROUND AND SALT THE EARTH.
Do you have any coaching candidates in mind? (CHOOSE ONE)
- HAIL SABAN.
- An absurdly over-qualified alumnus who won't bother answering your phone calls
- Pipe-dream hotshot coach who'd be insane to leave behind his current success / low expectations
- Genius coordinator who's never been a head coach
- Up-and-coming mid-major / FCS coach with no big-time experience
- NFL retread
- NFL coordinator with no college experience in the past decade
- NFL position coach
- NFL position coach who flamed out as a college head coach (and may have slapped himself)
- Your current OC/DC on an interim basis
- Some guy who had one good MAC season
- Charlie Weiss
On a scale of Rodriguez at Michigan to Saban at Alabama, how good of a cultural fit is your dream candidate? (CHOOSE ONE)
- Rich Rodriguez / Michigan (2008)
- Charlie Weiss / Kansas (2012)
- Randy Edsall / Maryland (2011)
- Al Golden / Miami (2011)
- Brian Kelly / Notre Dame (2010)
- Brady Hoke / Michigan (2011)
- Chip Kelly / Oregon (2009)
- Nick Saban / Alabama (2007)
What is making you so angry? (Check all that apply)
- Lost to a rival
- Lost to most-hated rival
- Lost to a perpetual tomato-can
- Can't recruit
- Team is hemorrhaging players
- Fans treated like walking checkbook
- Insolvent athletic department
- NCAA violations
- Players put in danger
- Covering up felonies
- PEOPLE KEEP TALKIN' BOUT THIS OVERSIGNIN', PAAAAAAWWWLLLL, BUT THEY JUS' JEALOUS!
Would you still be this angry if your team was winning? (CHOOSE ONE)
- No, obviously not, because *something* would be going better.
- No, because winning is the only thing that matters
- No, because my team is perfectly OK except they're terrible.
- Yes, because I am lying.
- Yes, because I don't like football.
- Yes, because I am an incendiary rage-bot. SOMETHING is going to set me off.
What kind of doomed is your program?
- EMU: As DOOMED as DOOMED can be.
- Toledo: Once in a while we can win the MAC and get our coach a better job.
- Purdue: The Cure as a football team.
- Indiana: Our greatest teams have the ability to beat almost anyone on any down, so they most often beat themselves. Otherwise a conference doormat.
- Illinois: Once in a generation Rose Bowl, but usually Zooked.
- Iowa: Real success every four years; otherwise losing to Iowa State.
- Pitt: Crushing mediocrity with no hope is the norm forever, despite national championships not that long ago.
- Clemson: Perennial success, but never on a national title scale. See: Wisconsin.
- Notre Dame: We're living in the past, so the present is disappointing even when we're good.
- Texas: We have every advantage possible and are somehow terrible and in the middle of a gut-wrenching transition. See: Florida, Michigan (Michigan bonus: In our darkest hour, we hope to be Notre Dame.)
- Ohio State: Not quite a national title contender this year, but always a threat to win our league. See: Oklahoma
- Michigan State: Suddenly we're the pre-eminent program in our state for the first time in 50 years. Not anyone's default pick for a national championship team, but we have legitimate hope. See: Texas A&M, Stanford.
- Oregon: We don't really have a history, but we don't care because GOT MONEY and are successful now. We watched the first half of a video on the Miami Hurricanes, so we know this never changes!
- Alabama: Whether or not you choose to recognize it, we won every national championship since 1892. ROLL TIDE.