Presidential College Football Draft

[Actual editor's note: This started out way funnier as an argument/discussion than as an actual post, but I put too much time in this to just let it go to waste.  So be warned, it has its moments, but not enough of them.]

Welcome to the Presidential College Football Draft.  The rules are very simple: each president will select one college football program with which to be associated.  All FBS football programs and the Ivy League schools are eligible.  No school may be repeated and we will go in Presidential order for our draft order.  With all of that said, the presidents are assembled, so let's get started.

With the first pick in the Presidential College Football Draft, George Washington selects
the Washington Huskies:

"They say the name on the front of the jersey is more important the name on the back, and while that's true, when the name on the front of the jersey is BECAUSE of the name on the back of the jersey, all bets are off."

With the second pick in the Presidential College Football Draft, John Adams selects
the Harvard Crimson:

"Sorry Johnny, but age has its privileges.   Fair Harvard holds sway."

With the third pick in the Presidential College Football Draft, Thomas Jefferson selects
the Virginia Cavaliers:

"What's that?  Mr. Jefferson's University?  Why I am a Mr. Jefferson.  Thank you very much.  Wahoo!"

With the fourth pick in the Presidential College Football Draft, James Madison selects
the Princeton Tigers:

"And the Tigers come at night, with their voices soft as thunder.  And they tear your hope apart.  And they tear your dreams to shreds."  Yes, I am singing a song from a musical written centuries after my death about events that happened years after my death.  Princeton also didn't have a football team in my lifetime.  Deal with it.

With the fifth pick in the Presidential College Football Draft, James Monroe selects
the Virginia Tech Hokies:

"You know, I was on the Board of Visitors for UVa.  I'm just saying.  I mean, I guess I could have picked Marshall, but no, forgot you John Marshall.  Fine…I'm a Hokie.  Era of Good Feelings, indeed."

With the sixth pick in the Presidential College Football Draft, John Quincy Adams selects
the Massachusetts Minutemen:

"Whatever, dad.  Whatever."

With the seventh pick in the Presidential College Football Draft, Andrew Jackson selects
the Tennessee Volunteers:

"So, wait, you're telling me that I can have my home state's school, nicknamed for my men who fought alongside me at New Orleans, and we can play a team called the Seminoles?  In."

With the eighth pick in the Presidential College Football Draft, Martin Van Buren selects
the Syracuse Orange:

"New York is still one America's population centers, no?  We still have fine college and universities  in this state that enjoy the game of football?  But this, THIS, is New York's team.  Fine.  What the hell is that that large orange mass?  Never mind, some things are better left not being known."

With the ninth pick in the Presidential College Football Draft, William Henry Harrison selects
the Purdue Boilermakers:

[editor's note: After noting he selected the Boilermakers for their proximity to Tippecanoe, one of the sites of his greatest triumphs, Mr. Harrison's remarks went on for approximately four hours, a solid 90 minutes of which was extolling the virtues of a school courageous enough to make an inanimate form of transportation as its mascot.  He then walked off the stage, collapsed, and was never heard from again.  So Purdue was a perfect fit.]

With the tenth pick in the Presidential College Football Draft, John Tyler selects
the Texas Longhorns:

"Well, since none of you seem to want to annex the Longhorns, I will select them.  That's a little annexation humor.  Very little.  I should go now.  Someone named Mack Brown is offering me as a safety."

With the eleventh pick in the Presidential College Football Draft, James K. Polk selects
the Boise State Broncos:

"I know many of you are expecting that given my fervor over the Oregon Country, I would naturally select the brave Knights of Eugene.  But, I am scared to death of Ducks.  Therefore, I, instead, cast my lot with another team from the great Northwest, one also frequently referred to as a "dark horse", one with a horse as its mascot.  Boise State it is."

With the twelfth pick in the Presidential College Football Draft, Zachary Taylor selects
the Stanford Cardinal:

"I have been told that I have many fine choices available to me.  I have the Louisiana State Tigers from my adopted home state of Louisiana, coached by a man also considered by many to be a little off-kilter.  I could select the "War Hawks" of Louisiana-Monroe.  But no, in honor of my victory at the Battle of Palo Alto, I will select another Palo Alto victor, the Stanford Cardinal.  Now where's my bowl of cherries?"

With the thirteenth pick in the Presidential College Football Draft, Millard Fillmore selects
the Buffalo Bulls:

"Hey, did you guys know that I founded the University of Buffalo.  Wait, University AT Buffalo, AT Buffalo.  I always screwed that up.  I can't believe they still haven't fixed that.  Guys?  Guys?  Wait, come back!!!"

With the fourteenth pick in the Presidential College Football Draft, Franklin Pierce selects
the Dartmouth Big Green:

"As the Young Hickory of the Granite Hills, I must represent the fine people of my home state.  Plus, given my love of a good drink after dinner, I give high marks to the school's unofficial mascot."

With the fifteenth pick in the Presidential College Football Draft, James Buchanan selects
the Penn State Nittany Lions:

"We Are!  Why are you booing me?  Come on, We Are!  That's it, I'm outta here!"

With the sixteenth pick in the Presidential College Football Draft, Abraham Lincoln selects
the Illinois Fighting Illini:

"While I was flattered by the good people of Nebraska's point that their stadium resides in a town called "Lincoln", I must stick by the good people of my home state.  And seriously, it's not like any of you would pick Kentucky or Indiana football if you had legitimate other options.  Now, I've been told that my school plays for a 'Land of Lincoln' Trophy.  Can I see it?  Oh, it's in Evanston.  Maybe I should have given this more thought."

With the seventeenth pick in the Presidential College Football Draft, Andrew Johnson selects
the North Carolina State Wolfpack:

"Got to stick with my Raleigh dogs!  [resigned expression] Look, it was this or Vanderbilt and Vanderbilt made it clear they didn't want me."

With the eighteenth pick in the Presidential College Football Draft, Ulysses S. Grant selects
the United States Military Academy Black Knights:

"Feels good!  Feels good!  Beat Navy!"

With the nineteenth pick in the Presidential College Football Draft, Rutherford B. Hayes selects
the Ohio Bobcats:

"I wanted to select a school that has represented the great state of Ohio with pride for many years.  Thus my selection of the University of Ohio, a school nearly as old as the state itself, a source of joy for my people for many years.  Why are all of you chuckling so loudly?  Did I screw this up?  Harding, what did you do?"

With the twentieth pick in the Presidential College Football Draft, James A. Garfield selects
the Kent State University Golden Flashes:

[editor's note: the joke is there, make it yourself.]

With the twenty-first pick in the Presidential College Football Draft, Chester A. Arthur selects
the Rutgers Scarlet Knights:

Vermont's lacking in FBS teams.  Canadian teams don't count.  New York City doesn't have a team. A good team. So we'll go with Rutgers, because, yes, New York City market.  Yeah.

With the twenty-second pick in the Presidential College Football Draft, Grover Cleveland selects
the Cornell Big Red:

"It was the last option we had in upstate New York."

With the twenty-third pick in the Presidential College Football Draft, Benjamin Harrison selects
the Miami University RedHawks:

"What? I went here.  Cradle of Presidents too."

With the twenty-fourth pick in the Presidential College Football Draft, Grover Cleveland selects
the Cornell Big Red:

"I'm getting a feeling of déjà vu.  It'll pass."

With the twenty-fifth pick in the Presidential College Football Draft, William McKinley selects
the Akron Zips:

"Hanna told me to pick them.  Sort of a front porch team for me.  Plus, Terry Bowden and I went to school together."

With the twenty-sixth pick in the Presidential College Football Draft, Theodore Roosevelt selects
the United States Naval Academy Midshipmen:

"Great White Fleet, Naval History of the War of 1812.  Yep, the Middies are my team.  Plus, seriously, I love the triple option."

With the twenty-seventh pick in the Presidential College Football Draft, William Howard Taft selects the Yale Bulldogs:

[Editor's note: Taft proceeded to sing "Boola Boola" for approximately 20 minutes.  He also claimed the only words in the song were "Boola Boola."]

With the twenty-eighth pick in the Presidential College Football Draft, Woodrow Wilson selects the South Carolina Gamecocks:

"The League of Nations will likely need to take a long look at whether weaponizing Jadeveon Clowney constitutes a grave risk to world peace.  But for now, he's with me, and I'm off with HBC to play 18."

With the twenty-ninth pick in the Presidential College Football Draft, Warren G. Harding selects the Ohio State Buckeyes:

"The Buckeyes of Ohio State represent everything my administration was, free of corruption, cronyism, and generally considered to be a pillar of strength in his history of this great land."

With the thirtieth pick in the Presidential College Football Draft, Calvin Coolidge selects the California Golden Bears:

"What?  My name's right there on the helmet.  See."

With the thirty-first pick in the Presidential College Football Draft, Herbert Hoover selects the Iowa Hawkeyes:

"Three reasons: 1). I grew up minutes from Iowa City in West Branch.  2). America needs farmers.  3). Amazingly, I'm still more popular than Ferentz."

With the thirty-second pick in the Presidential College Football Draft, Franklin D. Roosevelt selects the Georgia Bulldogs:

"During my time in Warm Springs, I got to know many of the good people of Georgia and they do so love their Dawgs.  I select them with the knowledge that Mark Richt has lost control of well, everything."

With the thirty-third pick in the Presidential College Football Draft, Harry S Truman selects the Missouri Tigers:

"The mascot is named for me.  How was this not going to happen?"

With the thirty-fourth pick in the Presidential College Football Draft, Dwight D. Eisenhower selects the Columbia Lions:

"Since I can't select my beloved Black Knights of the Hudson thanks to ol' Sam Grant, this will have to do.  They were good.  Well, they were not terrible, when I was their President."

With the thirty-fifth pick in the Presidential College Football Draft, John F. Kennedy selects the Rice Owls:

"Why does Rice play Texas?  Seriously, let's call John Tyler and schedule a game." 

With the thirty-sixth pick in the Presidential College Football Draft, Lyndon B. Johnson selects the Texas State Bobcats:

"Back home again in the Hill Country."

With the thirty-seventh pick in the Presidential College Football Draft, Richard Nixon selects the Southern California Trojans:

[Editor's note: The entire room bursts into a knowing laughter and Nixon proceeds to do a furrowed brow, shrugged shoulders look.  He mutters something about "You won't have the Trojans to kick around anymore."  Somewhere, Lane Kiffin smiles.]

With the thirty-eighth pick in the Presidential College Football Draft, Gerald Ford selects the Michigan Wolverines:

"Why does this jersey say Morgan on the back?"

With the thirty-ninth pick in the Presidential College Football Draft, Jimmy Carter selects the Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets:

"Of all of the schools I attended, this was the most difficult academically.  And that was before I had to figure out Paul Johnson's triple option attack."

With the fortieth pick in the Presidential College Football Draft, Ronald Reagan selects the Notre Dame Fighting Irish:

"Some time, Rock, when the team is up against it, when things are wrong and the breaks are beating the boys, ask them to go in there with all they've got and win just one for the Gipper."

With the forty-first pick in the Presidential College Football Draft, George H.W. Bush selects the Texas A&M Aggies:

"You know, even with this, they still won't let me keep the dog out of my library."

With the forty-second pick in the Presidential College Football Draft, Bill Clinton selects the Arkansas Razorbacks:

"Woo. Pig. Sooie!"

With the forty-third pick in the Presidential College Football Draft, George W. Bush selects the Southern Methodist University Mustangs:

"Some folks look at me and see a certain swagger, which in back in the 1980s at SMU was called 'walking.'"

With the forty-fourth and final pick in the Presidential College Football Draft, Barack Obama selects the Hawaii Warriors:

"It was this or Kansas.  I'll take Norm Chow 100 times over Charlie Weis."

This concludes our draft.  Thank you for attending.