Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Get a Life!

Start with "Rodriguez says some college football fans need to get a perspective on life"

Mix with this...

And you get...below the jump.

(Addendum: 12:00 PM Wednesday: I just want to point out. In the wake of Brian's post about this topic at MGoBlog, I am well aware of the full context of Rodriguez's statements and this is more about the overblown reaction (and maybe poking a bit of fun at myself, as I am both a fan of Star Trek and Michigan football) than it is thinking that Coach Rod did something wrong. Thank you.)

[ open on an exterior shot of the "Laurel Manor" with a sign reading "Welcome Michigan Fans." ]

[ dissolve inside ]

[ A sign on the wall reads "82nd Annual Michigan Football Bust -- 2008" ]

Mgoblue1997: FireDrewSharp! Check this out!

FireDrewSharp: [ wearing "Worst State Ever" t-shirt ] Oh, outstanding, man!

Mgoblue1997: Original 1998 team photo, right before they added Henson!

FireDrewSharp: Oh, how much was it?

Mgoblue1997: Sixty dollars!

FireDrewSharp: Ohhh.... They got any left?

Carl Grapertine [over loudspeaker:] Attention Michigan fans, now available in the Kipke Room... copies of Gary Moeller's single record, "Any Tie is a Good Tie." Right now, in the Kipke Room.

Victor Valiant: [ making the Michigan "Hail" pump ] Hey guys!

FireDrewSharp & Mgoblue1997: Hey Victor Valiant!

Victor Valiant: How you guys doing on the trivia quiz?

FireDrewSharp: Awesome, you... hey, you got Yost's middle name?

Victor Valiant: [ smugly ] Harris!

FireDrewSharp: Bennie Oosterbaan's career winning percentage?

Victor Valiant: .630!

[ FireDrewSharp and Mgoblue1997 snicker knowingly to each other. ]

Victor Valiant: What? Am I wrong? Am I wrong?

[ more snickers ]

Bill Martin: Attention! Attention! Hello everybody! Welcome to the 82nd Annual Michigan Football Bust... Well! ...here in Livonia, Michigan. A few announcements.... Ah... first... ah... a wonderful new... ah... item has just been added to the M Den. It's a program from the 1975 season!

Michigan Fans: Oooo! Ahhh!

Bill Martin: Yeah! It's a very special item, I'm sure you'll enjoy it, and it's ONLY... thirty dollars.

Secondly, we have some exciting guests at the Bust today, so let me introduce them to you right now. First, we have the amazing safety Marcus Ray. Now you all remember him as the guy who played in the backfield in 1997 with Charles Woodson ... before he played for the Scottish Claymores of the World League.

And next up is Ryan Mundy, the former Michigan defensive back who transferred to West Virginia, and ah... I understand life with the Mountaineers *was* somewhat turbulent... kinda like living with a Buckeye!

Michigan Fans: [ knowing laughter ]

Bill Martin: Yeah! Well you'll all be able to meet Ryan in the Bump Elliot Wing where he'll be signing copies of his new book, "Yards After Mundy"!

And finally, the man you've all been waiting for, this is his first Michigan Football Bust, I know he's thrilled to be here, the head football coach of the University of Michigan himself, RICH RODRIGUEZ! [ Rodriguez walks to the podium. ] Now Rich's here to field a few questions so just fire away!

Michigan Fans: Coach Rodriguez! Coach Rodriguez!

Rich Rodriguez: Alright, the first question, uh, go ahead!

FireDrewSharp: Yeah! Okay, um, when you were gonna have Sheridan pass, okay, for the last time during the Northwestern game? I was wondering, like um, w-w-what was going on with the offense in that particular....

Rich Rodriguez: Uh... the Northwestern game?

FireDrewSharp: Yeah!

Rich Rodriguez: Um... you gotta give me a score and situation, see, cause it's 20 days and it's a long time... a down and distance... uh....

FireDrewSharp: Yeah, the Northwestern game, that's where it was like 30 degrees and you had a lead at the half and you let Northwestern score 14 unanswered points to win the game?

Rich Rodriguez: [ scowling ] Oh oh, yeah right, I remember, okay uh... what's the question?

FireDrewSharp: Well um, I was wondering if you could settle a bet for me and my friends, okay? Um, like, when you... um, called for the pass for the last play? And you rolled Sheridan out to the right? Um... who was his hot read?

Rich Rodriguez: [ lengthy pause, incredulous expression ] I-I-I don't know! I mean, it's been a long time! I, uh... I don't know that! Uh, okay?

FireDrewSharp: [ disappointed ] Okay! Okay!

Rich Rodriguez: Anybody? Oh, all right, go ahead! You? Go ahead! You in the funny shirt!

Victor Valiant: [ wearing Rodriguez style adidas polo] Okay! Another bet... okay... on your 2009 recruiting class... alright? How many total firm recruits do you have?

Rich Rodriguez: Uh... 21.

Victor Valiant: Wait, wait... is that including the kicker that was committed late last week?

Rich Rodriguez: [ stunned pause ] That kicker committed officially?

Victor Valiant: Friday!

Rich Rodriguez: Well I... guess it's 22 then!

Victor Valiant: ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! [ congratulated by his friends ]

Rich Rodriguez: You know, before I answer any more questions there's something I wanted to say. Having received all your emails over the years , and I've read your message board posts, and some of you have traveled... y'know... hundreds of miles to be here, I'd just like to say... GET A LIFE, will you people? I mean, for crying out loud, it's just a college football team! I mean, look at you, look at the way you're dressed! You've turned an enjoyable little job, that I did as a lark for a few years, into a COLOSSAL WASTE OF TIME!

[ a crowd of shocked and dismayed Michigan Fans.... ]

I mean, how old are you people? What have you done with yourselves?

[ to "Mgoblue1997" ] You, you must be almost 30... have you ever kissed a girl?

[ "Mgoblue1997" hangs his head ]

I didn't think so! There's a whole world out there! When I was your age, I didn't watch college football! I PLAYED IT! So... move out of your parent's basements! And get your own apartments and GROW THE HELL UP! I mean, it's just a football team dammit, IT'S JUST A FOOTBALL TEAM!

FireDrewSharp: Are- are you saying then that we should pay more attention to the recruiting trail?

Rich Rodriguez: NO!!! THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M SAYING AT ALL!!! HEY, YOU GUYS ARE... THE LAMEST BUNCH... I'VE NEVER SEEN... [ walks away from podium ] I can't believe these people... I mean, I really can't understand what's....

[ Bill Martin argues with Rodriguez off-mike, shoves him, Rodriguez shoves back harder.... ]

Carl Grapertine: Uh... that was Rich Rodriguez, ladies and gentlemen. Uh, I'd like to remind you Michigan fans that we have some fine refreshments from all over the Big Ten... Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, 7-Up, Orange Crush, I believe. We....

[ Meanwhile, Bill Martin waves the contract in front of Rodriguez, who then reluctantly returns to the podium.... ]

Rich Rodriguez: Of course, that speech was a "re-creation" of the "Angry Coach Rod" from um..., um... [ Bill Martin whispers ] my final game as West Virginia coach... uhh... called... [ another whisper ] "The Pitt Game."

[ Michigan Fans get happy, applaud ]

Rich Rodriguez: Yuh, Yuh, so thank you... and, and... Hail to the Victors...

[ Michigan Fans make "Hail" arm pump.... ]

Rich Rodriguez: So everybody... cheer them again, cause... THIS TEAM'S AHEAD AND WE'RE GONNA WIN THE BIG TEN, Y'KNOW? RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! THE BIG TEN!

[ fade out ]

(The scariest part of this: I thought it would take three hours to pull off. With find/replace, twelve minutes.)

1 comment:

Michael said...

Absolutely brilliant. Well done. I can still picture Shatner...