There's no kind of post I enjoy writing more than a post that confuses the hell out of Brian Cook. Since dipping for the Adventure Time well worked out last time, here's a review for their fine football video game, Pro Football 1861.
Pro Football 1861 is available in the free version of the Beemo app. B-MO is a character who is essentially a walking, talking, GameBoy. The paid version of the app also include Kompy's Kastle and the delightful Conversation Parade. You also get some ringtones and wallpaper and other stuff kids might like.
Pro Football 1861 features two dueling Abe Lincolns, one controlled by the human (or other sentient creature), and the other by Beemo. CPU Abe throws passes at human Abe, and human Abe moves to kick the passes back over CPU Abe's head.
Each time you successfully kick the football over CPU Abe's head, you earn 33 points. If you need help understanding Al Borges's disapproval of bubble screens, imagine that each pass that CPU Abe throws is a bubble screen and that, if a player on the opposing team kicks it back over Devin Gardner's head, then his team earns 33 points. Under such rules, using bubble screens would indeed by absolute folly.
I'm losing 99-0 because I stopped to take the screenshot.
First one to 999 points wins. You can see why college football has never adopted this rule, as no Michigan State game would ever end.
But I came back to win because I wanted the "YOU WIN" screenshot.
1861 was actually a low point in the history of college football, as Harvard followed Yale's lead and banned all football-type games as overly violent. There was also a war going on which college administrators hopefully thought was of greater importance. However, it would be fun to see an actual football game based on actual reconstructions of various 19th-century rules. Imagine being able to control Team 1 as they battled mighty Racine College!
Pro Football 1861 gets three stars out of four, as it will keep you occupied for 5 to 10 minutes if you need to keep yourself occupied for 5 to 10 minutes. However, it is still a joke game from a cartoon for kids and not an authentic football simulation game; those seeking the latter should consider the Madden series of games, which I understand is quite popular.
(Site note: I'm moving. Not sites, I mean I am literally in the process of moving from my condo in the extreme Northwest corner of Wayne County to a house in the extreme Northwest corner of Monroe County. Thus, until we get packed, moved, and settled, columns and site content will be a little light as there is not a lot of extra cycles. But had to get a couple of notes in...)
Thomas Gordon, picture me rolling...down the field after a pick. (Fuller/MGoBlog.com)
What's the hack joke here, that Indiana's a basketball school, and so you expect a basketball score? That there will be Wisconsin basketball games that will not score as much this season? That when Baylor and Oregon do it, they're tremendous offenses on display, when Michigan does it, well, you were playing Indiana? I'm not sure, but I am happy that this is the flavor going in to the second open date, a win at home that was more interesting than it needed to be, that gets Michigan bowl eligible (thus assuring the critical 15 extra practices), that maybe Borges can get out of his own way and call plays for the offense he has, not that offense he wants?
I'm not sure, but Michigan catches a rare break from the Big Ten schedule makers. facing Michigan State in East Lansing after an open date while Michigan State must go to Champaign before coming home to Michigan. The word "trap game" quickly comes to mind, especially for a team with just the one rival. The streak's at 358, a severe test comes up for 359. Let's see the boys get two solid weeks of practice, get healthy and keep Paul in Ann Arbor.
Al Borges's vindication for this game does exist (I have seen two of them, which refer to games in the future, perhaps games not imaginary), but those who went in quest of Al Borges's Vindication failed to recall that the chance of a man finding his Vindication, or some perfidious version of his, can be calculated to be zero.
Meanwhile, in a hexagon in circuit 15-94:
M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V M C V
Advertisers, for years, have known the drawing power of the idea of home. Home is where the heart is. There's no place like home. They know that for all of its faults, the people that we love are there and our memories, good and bad, are tied to this place. It is thus no surprise that for a century, colleges have realized the power of memory and the draw of coming home to a place we love in order to bring people back to campus, and make a few dollars more. (True story: Missouri "invented" homecoming in 1911 to guarantee that the Kansas-Missouri game would make money on campus rather than having been played in previous years in Kansas City.)
Homecoming is strange for a season ticket holder, because, theoretically, you're there every week, so yes it's "special", it's different, there are nice touches, like the welcoming back of the alumni and the emeriti and the like, but really, they're a sidelight to the football work at hand. But yes, coming home, to the Big House, with a piece of pottery on the line, just like old times.
The secret, one easily copped to for many, is that for Michigan fans, we love the old times. We love what was because the past was so good to Michigan. Michigan's current home winning streak of 18 games is the longest since 1969-1973 (and a 40 game home unbeaten streak from 1969 to 1975). Michigan has only been out of control of the Jug three times since 1969 (1977, 1986, and 2005) meaning Jon Falk truly has been the caretaker of the Jug for most of his 40 year career. We love "dull and boring" football games, where you run behind the left tackle, pick up four, and do it again. We want the old house to be just like we remember it, even if time moves the reality a little bit further into the haze with each passing year, obliterating the facts for feelings, and data for anecdote and story.
Michigan is now 5-0, has won 27 of its last 28 Big Ten home openers, has scored in 356 consecutive games (five shy of BYU's all-time record), and has a very realistic shot of heading into the November from Hell with a 7-0 record. It reminded itself that it's not perfect, but it does not have to be perfect to win, it just has to play within itself, whatever that means. But we went back to our lives after our visit home, feeling better about the trip and reminded that home isn't perfect, but there's few other places in the world we'd rather be.
I had a high-lair-ee-us tweet all ready to go while I was waiting for the presumably inevitable turnover: "The Constant Gardner Interceptions #AddAWordRuinTheMovie." Fortunately, this attempted comedy never had a chance to join the ranks of a "A Very Brady Hoke Sequel" and "Children of the Corn III: Urban Meyer Harvest," as Michigan played its first turnover-free game since the 2011 edition of the Brown Jug.
We're setting the Borges-O-Meter to Level 4, predictable, but this week's predictable is not a problem. Running the ball behind Taylor Lewan was predictable, but wise, even if it wasn't quite so predictable where exactly on the line Lewan was. Calling nothing but runs of the first drive was predictable, but it worked. Making sure Gardner calmed down and was making good decisions was the safe, smart play. Moving Devin Funchess to WR was an inevitability.
After two weeks of near-horror, there's nothing like a safe game plan to get back on track before ratcheting up the difficulty for tougher opponents than Minnesota. Just like reading Pierre Menard's Don Quixote, sometimes things are good even if you know they're coming.
With apologies to the M-Zone, we continue our annual "Know of Foe" series, previewing Michigan's preseason Canadian opponent. This year, the University of Waterloo Warriors come to Yost.
Instead of a full breakdown of the history of the university, I'm going to share a story from a visit I had there a few years ago. After the day's events were concluded, I was treated to dinner and conversation turned to the big story on campus at the time, the discovery that nine players of the football team had tested positive for steroids after one of their wide receivers was arrested for trafficking. The university suspended the football team for the 2011 season.
After two professors offered their opinions on the state of the scandal at the time, a third volunteered the following question, "We have a football team?" So it's not exactly a rabid athletic culture.
Recognizing this logo is not a requirement for getting a tenure-track position anywhere.
As for the university, Waterloo is the Canadian version of Cal/Georgia/M.I. Tech. It's renowned for its Faculty (not department) of Mathematics and the high quality of its computer science and engineering programs. They'd probably produce some great sports analytics if they cared about sports. The university's prowess in technical fields spun off to the founding of Research in Motion (which was a big deal for a while) and also the independent Perimeter Institute for Theoretical Physics. Stephen Hawking hangs out there sometimes. Waterloo's notable alumni include astronaut/Internet sensation Chris Hadfield and Keeper of the Cup Walt Neubrand.
Waterloo hockey finished sixth out of nine in the OUA West Division with a 12-11-5 W-L-OTL record with a 98-104 GF/GA ratio, so that's as an ideal example of "slightly below average." And we can be pretty sure they're not on steroids. Let's say 4-2, Michigan. You can tell I didn't put a lot of thought into predicting this game this year.
Yes I'm a tight end. Yes my last name is butt. Hhahaha
— jake butt (@JBooty_88) September 22, 2013
By this point in the season, we're all aware that Michigan has a tight end with the last name of Butt and that this fact can be used to make many easy jokes and will most assuredly lead to many amusing "unintentional" double entendres from the broadcast booth over the next four season. But this post is about the added level of merriment brought about by the fact that he's Jake Butt.
Fans of the late lamented Bender Bending Rodriguez should be pleased that John DiMaggio continues to do voice work on a show set 1000 years in the future in The Cartoon Network's Adventure Time. As Jake the Dog, he voices a character with magical shape-shifting properties. This of course means that his butt also his magical shape-shifting properties and is capable of amazing things. Behind the jump, the mystical powers of Jake Butt.
So this Wall Street Journal article has been making the rounds about the worries about declining student attendance and there are some valid points (bad cell reception, uninteresting scheduling, lack of availability of alcohol relative to HD TV options.)
There was also a blog post earlier this week about this issue, but from a more Michigan-centric angle. While I have had my own issues with the recent Michigan Athletic Department decision making process and John U. Bacon has noted his concerns about the Michigan Athletic Department leaving the students behind and the Michigan Daily gave their own take in a Dave Brandon profile from earlier this week (as was noted on Twitter, a profile of a person often considered not responsive to student concerns which then turned down repeated requests for an interview/access.) The "We Out" post made the case that noon starts, plus a lackluster opponent (on paper), plus Yom Kippur was a reasonable explanation for the empty seats. Two years ago, I went all cranky old man about students showing up on time. But I forgot what it was like to be a student. So consider this an adjustment of my view, based on new information.
Things that Schools Can Do to Improve "Student" Attendance
(all numbers related to Michigan pricing this season for the sake of reference.)
1). Sell partial/big game packages in addition to season tickets.
Let's say this year, you sell a package of Notre Dame and Ohio State at say $150, as opposed to the $280 for the whole seven game package. You link those tickets to a student's MCard (like they do at hockey), move them to Section 33 and 34 and call it a day. If they do not use those tickets, they lose the right to buy tickets at the student rate for the next year. The students who want season tickets have two options, they can, at at slightly lower rate (say $260 for this season), get their ticket put on their MCard and go through the GA process, or the can for $280, get physical tickets* that can be transferred to others, with a section/row/number, closer to the top of the bowl than the bottom. The MCard people would need to attend six out of the seven games to get the discount the next year.
(*-You could also go full on and let students buy regularly priced tickets that do not need to be validated, which would allow them easier access to the resale market if they can't make it.)
2). Young Alumni Pricing
As a side benefit of this plan, the five games not sold as a part of the big game package to students could then be offered to young alumni (say four years from your most recent Michigan degree, under the age of 28) at a rate between the Student price and the Regular Season Ticket Holder price with Alumni Association Members getting first dibs. (By the way, if you split the difference, you come up with a season ticket price this year of $262.50, or the same price it would be for the MCard ticket kids if you knocked $2.50 off the face value.) They would also earn priority points, which would not be activated until they made their first Victors Club donation. There would be a market for these tickets, even the "lesser" games at the discounted rate. If the Alumni Association can offer a membership rate at 40% of normal, the Athletic Department can likely see similar benefits of latching on to people when they still remember what it's like to be in the Big House and miss it.
3). Don't Be Passive-Aggressive With Your Students
Engage with your students. If they are truly a valuable part of the game day experience, don't keep changing the rules on them simply because you came up with a "better" idea. You do game day experience surveys all the time for the season ticket holders, I hope you do the same for the students. Remind them that they are the future of the alumni base, and try to find ways not to coddle them, but to address legitimate concerns they might have.
(By the way, the wi-fi issue is a big deal. I realized last week how much more information I had from my Twitter feed during the Connecticut game than I did during the Akron game. Oh sure, there was hand-wringing, but there was also injury updates, notes, observations, etc. I'm old and I want that. Imagine how digital natives feel about that.) 4). "Season" Tickets/Family Day
Acknowledge that scheduling twelve Division I FBS football games is expensive. Allow season ticket holders to build a package that is cheapest per ticket if you buy every game, but that allows them to opt out of that dreaded "third game in three weeks in September scenario".
Take the Miami (Not that Miami) game next season. It is coming off the last Notre Dame game, but the week before Utah, which is at least an FBS AQ team. Let people opt out of that game for a slight discount (say $50 off) with no harm to your status year to year.
Then designate that Miami game "Michigan Family Day" (maybe even get a corporate sponsor on board). Allow people to buy four packs at a reasonably discounted rate. Reach out to people who have not ever been to a Michigan game but might like to go to one. Give people a chance to experience the Big House who might not be able to do so otherwise. Sell it as the Yost ideal that Michigan Stadium was the house of every Michigander, not just the alumni, not just the wealthy and connected.
I am sure there are plenty of other good ideas. I'm not saying these answers are foolproof. But I do genuinely believe that treating your ticket buyers/current students with respect and making them want to come to your stadium rather than treating it as an obligation where you are criticized if you decide you want to do something else that day, well, that might be a good place to start.
The most butthurt defense of a mediocre performance I've ever heard comes not from sports talk, shockingly enough, but from Ken Keeler on the DVD commentary of the notorious Simpsons episode "The Principal and the Pauper." Keeler tried to shut up know-it-alls who thought the episode was a sucky parody of the Martin Guerre story by claiming that the story of Armin Tamzarian was actually based on the Tichborne Claimant case. For those unfamiliar with the story, Martin Guerre was a peasant who disappeared when he was off to war. While he was gone, an impostor from a nearby town showed up in his village and claimed to be him. Eventually Martin Guerre appeared and extreme awkwardness and executions ensued. You may remember this as the basic plot of "The Principal and the Pauper." Or of Sommersby.
The Tichborne case is somehow both sadder and funnier. To set it in modern times, imagine if Jeremy Gallon had gone missing in Connecticut, and Al Borges, distraught with grief, advertised all throughout New England that a huge reward was in store for anyone who could safely bring Gallon back to Michigan. Now suppose that Ondre Pipkins squished himself into the #21 jersey, walked into Schembechler Hall, then said "Hey, it's me, Jeremy!" And that Al Borges believed him and started him at WR against Minnesota. If that unlikely sequence of events transpired, you'd imagine that Joe Reynolds in particular would be pretty upset.
The real story took place around 1860, well before the days of DNA testing. Roger Tichborne, the scrawny heir to a baronetcy, went missing off the coast of South America and his mother sent notices all over the South Pacific trying to find him. In Wagga Wagga, Australia, a really fat dude going by Tom Castro starting claiming he was Tichborne and, for some reason still unclear to history, people actually believed him. The resulting court cases were the most expensive in British history up to that time. Mark Twain thought the whole thing was hilarious and he was a man who knew his funny.
The tale was also well-known in Argentina, where one Jorge Luis Borges included his version, "The Improbable Impostor Tom Castro," in his 1935 collection A Universal History of Iniquity. Watching Saturday's game, I saw that the Michigan offense was not one-dimensional as horrific interior line play and careless ball-handling are at least two distinct dimensions of play. However, I couldn't justify knocking the Borges-O-Meter all the way down to Level 1 when they actually won the game. So I changed Level 2 from "The Disk" (one-dimensional) to "Tom Castro" (clown fraud).
Now let us follow the orders of Judge Snyder at the end of "The Principal and the Pauper," and never mention the last two games again...under penalty of torture. Wow - that wasn't funny in 1997 and it's even less funny now. That was a terrible episode.
(YouTube didn't have the song with the post title in the lyrics, so this one will have to do.)
It's only fitting that when discussing Michigan's struggles with life on the road, we'd turn to Ann Arbor's own Bob Seger.
Here I am / On the road again
Let's be very honest, Michigan never expected to find itself in East Hartford, but they were booked into this gig by their old manager and well, as much as the new boss tried to get them out of it, Connecticut politics, being what they are, put Michigan at the smallest venue it had played at since Cornell in the 1950s. But hey, you play the gig, you wow the crowd, you collect your paycheck, you come home for the Open Date, and you reset. Oh, sure, the struggles of the Akron game last week were disconcerting, but the sound coming out of Michigan this week was good, the right things were being said, it was a scare, you learn from it, move on, and make sure you get out of Connecticut with everyone healthy.
There I am / Up on the stage
So some how, Michigan at Connecticut ended up going to 60% of the country on ABC (much to Kirk Herbstreit's dismay) so a chance, in prime time, for the rest of the nation to see Devin Gardner play like he did Under the Lights, to see if Michigan had fixed its issues on the lines, and whether the Wolverines could establish a running game. Business trip, write up the expense report, come home.
Here I go / Playin' star again
I think the consensus reached among Michigan fans were that we'd be happier with Devin Gardner's play if he could solve the turnover issues. This starts with tucking the ball when he decides to run (and the thing is, he can run. He just leaves the ball way out there, begging to be stripped.) Chris Spielman's working thesis last night seemed to be that Gardner was playing too tight and it was causing the turnovers, which, sure, that seems reasonable in that way that color commentary seems reasonable in explaining things that you're seeing without actually knowing. My thesis is this: Devin Gardner spent the last three years of his football life watching Denard Robinson become one of the single most dynamic football players in modern college football history, one who was always willing and perhaps too often asked to put a team on his back and will it to victory. Gardner's stats at Inkster High School remind us that he was a one-man show too many times for the now defunct Vikings. So yes, sure, while he trusts Jeremy Gallon, and yes, he knows that Fitz Toussaint can run, but when push comes to shove, default mode is heroball. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, and all too often this season, it's been an abject disaster.
There I go / Turn the page
Here's what I choose to see out of last night. At a juncture when things could have completely gone Achebe for Michigan, especially after the three and out in the immediate wake of the fumble return for a touchdown, Michigan dug down deep, recentered itself, and moved 75 yards down the field to bring it within a touchdown with still over 20 minutes remaining in the game. Michigan then got a series of fortunate breaks, tipping the scales of the breaks that had gone against Michigan (self-inflicted or otherwise), and kept Blue in the game. A Connecticut missed field goal from 46 yards out. the Desmond Morgan one handed interception just three plays after Devin's attempt to convert fourth down ended on a fumble and a bad spot, Desmond Morgan running with the ball for 29 yards, Fitz Toussiant looking like 2011 Fitz and going for a quick 12 yards and score to tie the game. And all of the sudden, with 9:49 left in the game, Michigan had erased all of the bad things that had happened to that point, was back to even, and just needed to be one point better than Connecticut the rest of the way. A UConn three and out, a Dileo return (which, yes, was wiped out by a STUPID penalty, but still, nice to see Dileo break one a little bit.), a nice time draining drive to get a field goal (no matter how much one would have liked to have seen six at that point). And sure, Connecticut was moving down the field with a chance to win, or at least tie, when Frank Clark gets the 12 yard sack to give Connecticut a seemingly impossible 4th and 29. And while Michigan's defense gave back 26 of those yards, the down mattered more than the distance and everyone could collectively exhale.
You can choose to see a game where Michigan struggled with a team that lost to I-AA Towson and scrapped out a victory is disheartening fashion. That's fair, the narrative pieces are there. I choose to see a young team that fought back to score 17 unanswered points to win a game, on the road, in what was considered to be the biggest game in the stadium's history. Michigan is ALWAYS going to get an opponent's best shot, because if you beat Michigan, your name gets etched in history, next to the Appalachian States, next to the Toledos. It's the burden of being Goliath, and it's the unspoken flip side of what This is Michigan entails.
So sure, it's 4-0 that doesn't feel well deserved, but did 2-2 after four games last year feel like what Michigan's team really was either? You have two weeks to correct the mistakes, to work on the fundamentals, to get back to what made people think you were worthy of the preseason praise. It's much easier to "forgive" a bad win than a frustrating loss. The math says you may run out of rabbits to pull out of your hat, but if you start to play better, you can move on to other illusions.
"For over a thousand years, Roman conquerors returning from the wars enjoyed the honor of a triumph - a tumultuous parade. In the procession came trumpeters and musicians and strange animals from the conquered territories, together with carts laden with treasure and captured armaments. The conqueror rode in a triumphal chariot, the dazed prisoners walking in chains before him. Sometimes his children, robed in white, stood with him in the chariot, or rode the trace horses. A slave stood behind the conqueror, holding a golden crown, and whispering in his ear a warning: 'that all glory is fleeting.'"
Those are the last lines from Patton and they remind me of something. When you have powerful men who trust each other in positions of power to make stupid decisions, there needs to be person in the room empowered to say "No, wait, stop, are you sure this is a good idea?"
Lisa: "What's so special about this game anyway? It's just another chapter in the pointless rivalry between Springfield and Shelbyville. They built a mini-mall, so we built a bigger mini-mall. They made the world's largest pizza, so we burnt down their city hall." Homer: "Heh, heh, heh. Yeah, they swore they'd get us back by spiking our water supply. But they didn't have the guts." Marge:(drinks the tap water) "Ooooh. The walls are melting again."
"Homer Loves Flanders" Season 5, Episode 16
I don't have a degree or background in marketing, so someone is going to need to explain to me how skywriting over a rival school's stadium, during a home game for that school, is positive marketing for your program? Are you going to convince anyone in attendance "Wait, I'm here when I could be a Michigan game? What the hell am I thinking? Thank you skywriting. Thank you!" You've now made the airspace over Michigan Stadium fair game, no? Didn't the FAA and Homeland Security say that was a no no? Are you relying on that to prevent retaliation? All you've done is give your rivals the high ground on this one (especially when they very cleverly turned it into a cancer fundraiser) and pissed off a lot of people in your own fan base wondering why you're spending that kind of money, whatever it is that you spent. This is where someone needs to be able to ask the question: "What's the goal here? Is it worth it? Are we okay with the potential blowback here?"
(Oh, and really, GOBLUE? That was your plan? Seriously, not Δ258? That would have been a mystery and would have at least qualified as clever. But no.)
"Uh, hi, Mr. Meyers. I've been doing some thinking, and I've got some ideas to improve the show. I got it right here. One, Poochie needs to be louder, angrier, and have access to a time machine. Two, whenever Poochie's not onscreen, all the other characters should be asking 'Where's Poochie'?"
"The Itchy and Scratchy and Poochie Show", Season Eight, Episode 14.
Why, exactly, does Michigan need to market itself? I suppose the fact that Akron was the first non-sell out crowd in over a decade answers my question, but for all of the good things that the Athletic Department's marketing arm does (and let's be clear, they do a lot of things very well, starting with their social media presence), it also does stuff where you just scratch your head and yell at people about it. Stick to what has worked for Michigan, try not to piss off your loyal customers while searching for new ones, and for goodness sakes, do not buy the old line that any publicity is good publicity.
It's a win. Let us not lose sight of that. It may have been ugly, it may have been undeserved, it may have been, in the words of AP reporter Larry Lage "The worst win in Michigan's history", but it still counts as one, still leaves Michigan in the ranks of the undefeated, and still puts Michigan halfway to bowl eligibility.
But as I was typing this, Brady Hoke's postgame speech from the locker room was released on MGoBlue.com (as posted by MGoVideo for embedding purposes, with our thanks!)
He wrote the column for me. Yes, you won. Wow, there's a lot of things to work on. Man does frustrated Brady Hoke sound like Matt Foley: Motivational Speaker.
It was a win. The gap between "survives upset bid" or "gets a scare from an FCS school" and losing is a chasm visible from space. We've been on the other side of that chasm, or perhaps more accurately at the bottom of it. Michigan won on a day when they didn't play well.
Yes, it was more tense than it should have been. Yes, it's annoying, especially after the Notre Dame game had us, as fans, dreaming of Pasadena or more. But it's an early season hiccup, one hopefully that will provide lessons which will be learned. No one promises 55-7 routs, no one promises easy victories. That doesn't mean you shouldn't want those things, it just means you need to recalibrate your expectations and understand that sometimes things like this happen. You work to get better for next week, and the next week, and the next week, because it means something to you. You have a right to be unhappy, but only if you do something about it. This is more difficult for fans, because they can only cheer and hope and root. They can't practice harder this week, clean up the fundamentals, work on the decision making. But the players can, the coaches can, and that's what you're left to hope for in this case. That they do learn the lesson here and take it to heart.
On the road to East Hartford, where we hope for better days.
I'd start them young and make the whole thing goal-oriented: freshmen or sophomores can apply to the coaches for a Legend's number, and there's a set of things you must do in spring or fall practice to earn the right to wear it that exemplify the guy who set that number. For each I would also set list of accomplishments comparable to those of the Legend which if you achieve them in your career you earn the right to have your name added to that patch, for example Devin can get his name added to the 98 patch if he wins the Heisman and leads the nation in scoring, and Ryan would need to be a three-time All-American and two-time captain to have his name added to 47. Have a wall at the stadium somewhere that honors all of them and lists the accomplishments, and open it up a bit so there are easier numbers to attain (#7 for a QB who beats OSU three times as the starter, #46 for a QB who leads his team to an undefeated season and national championship, #77 for an OT who's a 4-year starter and two-time All-American, 60 for a DL who does the same, 76 for a guard).
Never one to let a good idea rest, we would like to humbly offer our Top 8 Legends Jerseys that should happen with the criteria needed to earn it. (This will not be a slideshow, only because we have no idea how slideshows work. We're like Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer when it comes to that part of the internet.)
From a September 1989 game by Stephen Dunn | Getty Images
8). Leroy Hoard | #33 | Michigan RB 1986-1989
A running back must average EXACTLY three yards a carry for his first two seasons. No more, no less. EXACTLY three yards a carry.
From a 2008 Michigan Daily photo by Clif Reeder
7). Zoltan Mesko | #41| Michigan P 2006-2009
A punter must achieve any two of the following three items:
a). Average 42.5 yards per punt.
b). Succeed in your attempt to high kick the M Club banner.
c). Prove that you hold domain over an extraterrestrial empire.
Getty Images
6). Marcus Ray | #29 | Michigan S 1995-1998
A safety must achieve all of the following in one season:
a). Intercept at least five passes.
b). Make cover of Sports Illustrated destroying an Ohio State wide receiver.
c). Captain a team of Michigan football players that defeats a team from Michigan's quiz bowl program in an intramural game.
You are still missed Vada.
5). Vada Murray | #27 | Michigan DB 1986-1989
Successfully block a field goal or extra point attempt while a minimum of 18 inches off the playing surface.
4). Jareth Glanda | #54 | Michigan LS 2010-2013
Move anonymously through two whole seasons of football without having your name mentioned, then catch a pass for a first down on a broken play during a bowl game.
3). Mercury Hayes/Martavious Odoms | #9 | Michigan WR 1992-1995/2008-2011
Catch a game-winning touchdown in either the opening game of the season in 98 degree weather or warmer or to beat Ohio State to end a losing streak.
One shining moment.
2). Nick Sheridan |#8 | Michigan QB 2006-2009
As a walk-on quarterback, successfully prevent Minnesota from taking three-year ownership of the Little Brown Jug by playing out of your mind.
Mike DeSimone
1). Ernest Shazor | #25 | Michigan S 2001-2004
Hit a a Purdue ball carrier so hard as to make him regret ever being born.
So a certain somewhat popular Michigan sports blog took a break from its usual obsessing over teenageboys to criticize the settings of our illustrious Borges-O-Meter (on the sidebar over there --> ). Its chief proprietor asks:
What does Al Borges have to do to get Tlon, Uqbar, Orbus Tertius, Hoover Street Rag? Is 41 points and nearly 500 yards without an effective basic running game against a defense that returned seven starters from the #2 scoring D in the country insufficient? WHAT MORE CAN HE DO, HOOVER STREET RAG?
Imagine how upset Brian Cook would have been if we'd forgotten to update it after the game, like we almost did.
To avoid any further confusion, there are at least three feats of co-ordinating derring-do that will permit Al Borges to reach the pinnacle that is Tlön. Those three feats are:
Repeat what just happened against Notre Dame on November 30.
Lead the offense to 41 points and almost 500 yards, with or without an effective basic running game, in Pasadena this January.
Recognize that the primary goal of the Michigan State defense will not be to win the game, but rather to injure his players, and then devise a dominant offensive game plan that never exposes a player to a dangerous Tom Gholston-style cheap shot.
Against regional rivals and other schools of lesser renown, we have no choice but to place higher standards on Al Borges before he can ascend to Orbus Tertius. The minimum standards for each game are:
Akron: Randomly select the offensive players from the student section 20 minutes before game time and lead them to a double-digit victory.
@Connecticut: Nothing. This team lost by 15 points to Towson.
Minnesota: Win the game while fielding an actual brown jug at guard.
@Penn State: Get half of the team's yardage from walk-ons.
Indiana: Indiana scored 73 points against Indiana State. It only seems fair to demand that a Michigan offense be twice as good as Indiana's and put up 146.
Nebraska: What will impress us against a defense that gave up over 600 yards to Wyoming? Wyoming was a little unbalanced; we'll need both 300 yards passing and 300 yards rushing.
@Northwestern: Before putting up 35 points, ratchet up the difficulty level by packing Kyle Field full of Northwestern fans.
@Iowa: Beat the Hawkeyes so badly that they buy out Ferentz's contract the next day. Make Adam Jacobi seem happy about the state of Iowa football for once.
